On 12/7/19 Briarcrest hosted the 3rd annual EFFEE Awards at their
Convention… Assembly…Tiny Clubhouse Big Living Center. The night began with a little socializing among the 30+ pax who were in attendance around the hor d’oeuvres. This year Tupperware was kind enough to include a queso spread, but unfortunately we were unable to park the car inside of the hall shed, so pax had to bring their chips outside to enjoy the queso off the backseat of dad’s car. Similar to last year some of the pax wore their Sunday best for the event. Some of the highlights were:
- Chicken Little trading in the feathers from last year for a festive holiday suit
- Gerber with a candy cane jacket that made him look like an extra from Miami Vice
- Zin ditched the tux from year ago and instead was ready to break bread with the family this year dressed as Cousin Eddie
- Goodfella brought the crowd to a good cheer with his angry elf outfit, some fashion pax took notice though that the inseam was a little long and have offered to tailor it for next years event for proper fit
As we approached 8:30, Zin gave the announcment for all pax to find a seat as the show was about to begin. And once all pax were tucked (even more then Recalc’s t-shirt into his jeans) into their seats we kicked off the 3rd Annual EFFEEs. We covered a non-standard DCCS to again reiterate to all of the pax that tonight’s events were to be similar to the Dundie Awards from the Office and created in all fun. At no point should anyone get offended, and if any pax does to please see Smithers as he has the official “Butthurt Incident Report” that can be completed. With that Zin gave a brief opening and we went straight into recap of GroupMe stats.
GroupMe Stat Summary – started the year off strong with good YoY performance vs. last year, but when we came into August our typical peak season, our performance was down vs. year ago. Unfortuanately in 2019 from August – November we were unable to eclipse the 2500 post mark that was set in 2018. When checking with key analyst we believe this is attributed to a couple things:
- 2018 in September we had massive uptick due to “thong-gate”
- 2019 we had a loss of key contributor Moneyball
- Deadwood wrecking ball entrance in 2018 where a 600+ post per month average came in quickly declined as 2019 he exited the Playhouse
- Turnbuckle entrance though helped to increase frequency of posts was just a little late in year and unable to counteract the softening market
So overall we are looking to bring back Foley in 2020 to provide some additional motivational speeches and to increase the chatter for next year. So with the conclusion of our GroupMe performance we jumped right into the awards. Here is a quick recap of each:
- The Soap Box Award presented by Briarcrest Beef Hotdogs, won by ZIN
- Many thought would go to Dancing Bear, but was won by Zin for his ability to get on his soap box daily and provide a good rant. We provided him a free 5 min, but he quickly conceded after about 2 mins.
- Top 10 Modifications brought to you by Chainsaw’s Soundproof Underwear, won by Deadwood
- The list included Aussie Burpees, Deadwood’s weinke, Moneyball’s Memorial Day remembrance for all that served in ware and are still alive in his family, modification of GroupMe into Slack, modification of GroupMe into NextDoor app by TB, but there was no denying #1 modification of Waxhaw rezoning Briarcrest to include Deadwood’s property
- Freedom Pax CD brought to you by Rudy’s Unplung’d App –
- CD available that includes many top hits by our local pax including Summers of 49 by Recalc, Six is the loneliest number by Fuse, I will walk 500 miles by Dana, and I will run 500 miles by Rubbermaid. The song even included a bonus GroupMe song performed by Zin to the tune of Under the Bridge
- Before Picture Award brought to you by Centerfold’s Extreme Couponing, won by Chastain
- Highlighted by his ability to not even have tennis arms, but ping pong arms, and always being the pax others want to stand next to feel better about themselves. In the end we were able to provide Chastain with his 1st ever after picture
- The New Sexicon brought to you by Cocainios
- List of potential new entries into a very special Lexicon that was loosely based on pax’s names
- The Cheerleader EFFEE brought to you by Goodfella’s Soy Sausage, won by Easy Button
- Covered his ability to not only be a fully supporting Cheer Dad at home, but also able to inspire the pax to perform. Even included a special cheer made up just for the EFFEEs – My Name is Easy Button, I am not afraid of nothing, Except when I see Frack, or when Damascus puts his balls on my back. Go Mountaineers!
- The Hall Monitor EFFEE brought to you by Deadwood’s Weinkee Inspections Services, won by Ackbar
- Highlighted all of the great monitoring of Newschannel and Playhouse, but in the end went to only the deserving pax who was able to garner actual news coverage for his monitoring – Ackbar. In 2020 he will be employed to monitor the pax and any violators will be labeled with trademark phrase – It Just Sucks!
- Gone But Not Forgotten EFFEE brought to you by F3 Aquatics Team, won by Banjo
- As this appeared to be a runaway for Moneyball as he departed the region, the actual voting turned out that another pax won by a hair (or lack of) and was presented to Banjo for his ever increasing bald spot. This bald spot currently has ability to live in Lawson, but by end of 2020 will definitely adhere to BC standard lot size requirements.
- Educator of the Year EFFEE brought to you by Shake’s Substitute Services, won by Posse
- Highlighted all of his great work with Q School and Site Q School and even included some of his courses for next year on proper sign language and ability to sign “blessed” or that it is “ok” to use your butthole kaleidoscope at workouts. Award even included a skit performed by Foundation (Posse), Deflated (Fuse), Zin (Recalc).
- Waxhaw Challenge Award EFFEE brought to you by GroupMe Police Relief Association, won by Kid Rock & Swimmers
- Thanked both for their ability to push the pax and either participate in IPC challenge or share their Hope Story. During the event Deflated shared his Hope Story about IPC in that he hopes all of the complaining about how hard it was, form, other regions that cheated, etc. would stop in 2020
- Most Improved EFFEE brought to you by Big 10’s Jeep Emporium, won by Hollywood
- Given for his incredible improvement in GroupMe posts from 2019 vs. 2018 that was a +5000% jump which was determined to be caused by change to high fiber diet changes. Either way Hollywood made promise to further uptick in posts for 2020 to ensure we do not have another “soft” year per our analyst when reviewing our stats next year
- 3rd Annual Cat Pee on Carpet EFFEE brought to you by Alltech Frankenstein Lab, won by Catfish
- As Xerox’s company has grown he has had to fire past technicians Dancing Bear and Frack, but found a new tech in Catfish. Additionaly noted that he is no longer being docked pay for smoke breaks.
- Q of the Year brought to you by Zin’s Costume Emporium, won by Goodfella (on behalf of all F3 Waxhaw)
- Hands down easiest award to find a winner for based on the success of F3 Launchvergence. Well done boys!
- Career Path EFFEE brought to you by Old Posse’s Farmers Almanac, won by Gerber
- Applauded Gerbers ability to recover from double hip surgery and come back into group and be promoted to Site Q to Board Member. As part of presentation award covered some of his responses from his interviews which included when asked about being a Gazelle and how he rates his speed. Gerber noted to give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose …And a panther
- Clutch Performance EFFEE brought to you by Banjo’s Male Clinic, won by Rudy
- Award highlighted not 1, but the #2 reason that Rudy is known throughout F3 Waxhaw. We got to see his Kershawish performance at Floater where he was King of the Throne and then come late in season when at Commitment his double check clutching peformance that just ran a little foul. Award was present posthumously as Rudy had to make an Irish Exit as he replicated the Deadwood of 2018.
- Proctor of the Year EFFEE brought to you by Blue Screen’s Morse Code Machines, won by Mad Dog
- As we learned of Mad Dog’s fame during the IPC challenge this award not only honored him for that day, but provided Shake the opportunity to test some of Mad Dog’s new material for 2020. With many of the tag lines taken from Full Metal Jacket and customized to F3 this was fun to watch.
All in all it was a great night and lots of laughs to be had. We always enjoy the moments to relax and have a little fun even if it at the expense of each of us. But truly believe this is what makes this such a great group that we can push hard in the gloom and find a way to stay in contact and connect with others throughout the day. Until next time, remember always be on the look out for an EFFEE award nominee and be sure to submit to Deflated or YHC and look forward to next year’s awards.