What did you do when your parents went out of town for the weekend and abandoned you at home with a bag of Doritos, some frozen pizza, and vague threats not to let them find out you did something stupid? You throw a raging party like the abandoned children that you are. Find 21 of your closest friends, get a keg, put on some loud music, and hope the cops don’t show up.
This is an accurate representation of what happened in the parking lot of Calvary church for the Meat-SACS-vil convergence. 20 men showed up to a plethora of bells, bags, a keg, and assorted gear. They endured lots of bad ideas from the three-headed Q of Unplugged, Wild Turkey, and YHC. Floorslapper finally showed up in the middle of COP to make it a legal drinking age, 21.
The plan was simple, and hatched by Unplugged while he was “teaching” (i.e. playing a VHS tape to his high school class, and making sure they weren’t lighting fires with the Bunsen Burners in the back of the classroom). Since our rival site Q’s (Voodoo and Cheese Curd) were DR it was time to question how said rivalry was hatched up. Likely this was to keep advertising single digit attendance workouts that consist of Dora’s Pathfinder WODs or a spreadsheet that changes names just not content every 6 – 10 weeks. Both of these serve as the perfect excuse to not come up with an original weinke which is a win-win for anyone unlucky enough to be cornered in a dark parking lot and asked to Q next week before the sun rises and you’re still seeing stars.
As readers of YHC’s non-existent online journal, which YHC refuses to call a “blog” because it sounds like something that lives on a riverbed and communicates through farts, will attest; these Wednesday workouts have created an effective contrast. Like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear. One Wednesday you’re standing still holding heavy objects listening to the flatulent sounds of an old man bark about how bad the music selection is and asking yourself “Why am I here?” and the next Wednesday you are walking around a dark track with a heavy object on your back listening to stories of “this one time at GoRuck” and asking yourself “Why am I here?”
Of course, if you’re a regular pax at Anvil this is one of those situations where you’ve decided the convergence would be a healthy alternative from the series of frying pans and fires that are your typical boot camp.
But back to the lecture at hand, this workout flowed better than the clunkily strung together Thanksgiving Turkey hand collage found on the wall of a kindergarten classroom. It started with a little COP from Unplugged who taught everyone how to lift a kettlebell by clapping their hands. No seriously, you should try it one day. Just put your hands on your hips and clap in cadence. Now you’re a professional strongman, go pick up a Volkswagen Beetle. All of our collective lower backs are are still trying to figure out when after clapping you actually lift something heavy. It was during the
clapping lifting lesson that Floorslapper decided to grace us with his presence.
Wild Turkey was up next, using EMOM to crush pax under the heel of 20 reps per minute of the foundational kettlebell exercises. No snatches to Mighty Mite’s vocal disappointment, but he may be used to that by now (the no snatch part and the disappointment that accompanies it. #Boom #MicDrop) The fun part here was that our plethora of bells acted as “stations” where we shifted every minute to a new weight. And by “fun”, YHC means you were either lucky enough to get 20 reps of goblet squats with a trailer hitch of a kettlebell or unlucky enough to have single leg lunges with the 70 pound “Large Marge” bell courtesy of Unplugged. The groans of the un-initiated gear pax were only barely audible over the rocking sounds of YHC’s bluetooth speaker, until they weren’t because the “battery died”. Lucky for the pax, YHC is always prepared and had a backup. Frehley’s Comet was so relieved.
After the Wild Turkey special, pax were instructed to move the kettlebells to a parking space, lest unsuspecting visitors to the church decide that these were newly installed speed bumps that must be thoroughly tested. YHC was now in charge. Pick up all the rucks, sandbags, the keg, Twig, BOS, and both sets of twins. All pax had to carry something and move to a designated point. At said point, rotate coupons to a random fellow pax and do a called exercise. Then keep moving. Pax all moved in the direction of the Hot Box with one more swap before arriving. At our arrival, pax unceremoniously dumped their coupons on the ground and took a seat against the wall. YHC, having planned nothing, decided that the coupons needed to move from their current location to the other side of the Hot Box. But please, gentlemen, stay in your seats, we can and will do this while seated. And remain seated we did. 19 of the 21 coupons made it from one side of the Hot Box to the other. Then YHC realized the error of his ways and had all of the coupons trucked right back to where they started. The pax were pleased, especially Turkey Leg who is still recovering from his Philly Marathon. Nothing says easy marathon recovery like burning quads. Once coupons were back in their original position pax recovered grabbed their gear and headed back to the cars.
Unplugged took the reins for his second run at Q, because clapping wasn’t enough to get the pax blood flowing. But sprints on the other hand … let’s just say there’s a reason Meathead is a 0.0 workout. Running sucks. High Tide tried sprints once and pax are still looting and rioting in the streets because of that bad decision. But of course if you’re an Anvil or SACS regular you know covering distance is expected. So sprints were on the menu, preceded by some called exercises. After which it was time for some Murray (for overweight middle aged men) as opposed to Mary for single guys still sporting at least a 2 pack in the abs department. And that was the best hour of your week right there.
It was, by all accounts, the best convergence in Area 51 all week. It will be followed by two other convergences on Thursday and Friday. Neither of which will have as many Q’s or as much useless stuff packed into the trunks of their cars.
Thank you to all the pax for showing up today. YHC wasn’t expecting so many pax but was honored to be part of the leadership of this
train-wreck well thought out and expertly planned convergence. Here’s to hoping all pax have a Happy Thanksgiving.
On a very personal note, YHC is thankful for this group and for all the Hallmark Holiday card reasons that accompany it. But above all others, no matter how rough life outside of F3 is going, this group of men is a constant beacon. YHC can show up anywhere in the gloom and find others who have shed the trappings of our daily lives to put in work and enjoy 45 – 60 minutes away form it all. Thank you, men.
In the background of all this madness, were the kick-a$$ sounds of a stellar playlist curated by YHC:
Kiss: Detroit Rock City
American Sharks: Overdrive
Motley Crue: Kickstart My Heart
Living Colour: Cult of Personality
Airbourne: Back in the Game
Red Hot Chili Peppers: Higher Ground
AC/DC: Let There Be Rock
Clutch: Fortunate Son (Creedence cover)
Pink Floyd: Run Like Hell
MC5: Kick Out the Jams
The Clash: White Riot
Neil Young: Rockin’ In the Free World
Coheed and Cambria: No World for Tomorrow
Ozzy Osbourne: No More Tears