11 curious and most certainly uninformed men arrived at the Cathedral of the Patron Saint Mary Kay to subject themselves to the whims of an unqualified and unprofessional authority this morning. 1 additional lonely Meat Puppet was convinced into joining the party, as his Meat Puppet friends were home recovering from neck tattoo complications.
This was a non-traditional workout, with 3 teams of 4 each competing for a grand prize of both fame and infamy that would make El Guapo himself jealous. Team Captains were selected by age, who then participated in a moderately embarrassing playground style kickball team draft of which the selection order will remain on the field and in our hearts, but not on the internet. The final results were as follows:
Team Frehley (T 2nd):
Team BLC (T 2nd):
Team Runstopper (winner and supreme champions):
Instructions were fairly simple, select one of the 9 numbered slips of paper from the discarded box of Kirkland’s Signature somethings in the hotbox and complete a task that earns your team an impressive 10 points. Return for another task, and keep it going until we run out of time. The team with the most points wins.
The total gamut of challenges was just over a 4 mile experience, and took our victorious Team C up to the final few mins to complete. The other two teams enjoyed a hard fought battle, but decided to call it quits after 7/9 tasks.
Winning strategy for Team Runstopper employed a combination of A) having Proehl on your team, B) tackling the North Face and Triple Nick tasks first, and C) dragging Boerewors around like a dog chained to a pickup truck bumper on I-77. Boerewors claims to have gone completely numb after the first trip up North Face.
I’m not sure what exactly happened on Team BLC, but they appeared to be getting after it. I think that they probably spent the entire time telling “getting after it” jokes about Jet Fuel and his recent honeymoon, but I’d frankly be disappointed if they didn’t. They appeared to be as disinterested in doing the North Face challenge at least as much as our team was, which I can respect.
Team Frehley hung in there, mostly trying to avoid sweating to death or making eye contact with that awful bloated Cat Tattoo that Hoover has right at human eye level. Seriously, that thing looks like someone buried one of my eyebrows in the Pet Sematary and it came back to life addicted to stale marshmallow peeps. The eyes follow you and everything.
That about sums up everything I experienced today. Saturday beckons, so I’ll end it here.
Madison, Chicken Wing, Retread, CRS, Jock Strap, Cage, Lex Luthor, Horsehead
8 pax, no snax
Run to the Matthews UMC, often confused with RUN DMC, especially by the Plantation Estates crew across the street.
Brief warmup with standard warmup fare.
Three giant Partner loops w/ partner merkins and partner jump squats at each end. What’s a partner jump squat you might ask? That’s a good question. I was looking for something between a Double Dragon jump kick and the Kid N’ Play dance move where one guy kicks over the other guys’ head. Everyone failed. Also note the 2nd old skool rap reference, which really doesn’t fit the John Denver title of this backblast so I’m not sure where this is going.
½ mile Triple Nickel down the Country Road, which was much more fun going down than it was coming back up. After some carnage, we took a vote and decided that two trips up was enough so we headed back to launch. Nobody did the burpees I requested upon passing another pax, but I didn’t want to do them either so meh.
Back to launch, where Madison tried to do some weak QJack shizz while runing around staring at his watch and yelling in efforts to get some precise mileage amount that nobody cares about. After foiling that mutiny, we did a few AYG sprints and then joined the P51 crew for some random wall thing that Slim Fast was trying to kill the last 5 mins with. We then tied Madison to the anchor and dropped in into Davy Jones Locker.
It’s always nice being reminded that you are leading a running workout that you have completely forgotten about. It did prompt a few days of trading snacks for miles though, of which I am thankful for. I have admittedly been pretty low effort with the workouts over the past few months and I’m feeling it for sure. Thanks to Madison for keeping me honest and signing me up to Q.
I’m not sure I’ve ever had the pleasure of posting with CRS, but he was getting after it. Good nickname.
Jock Strap, who does not have a good nickname, was right on his heels the whole time. If you’ve ever worried about scaring off new guys by giving them a terrible nickname, this should assuage your fears a little.
Cage did his typical thing where he appeared out of nowhere. All I can think of is the butler from Mr. Deeds. Sneaky Sneaky.
Lex Luthor is doing some thing where he runs 4 times per hour every 4th hour for 4 mins on the 4th of July. Awesome.
Chicken Wing made the mistake of telling us all about his wife’s foot surgery recovery, to which he was mercilessly heckled about with many assumptions about the subpar support system he provides for his better-half. It was rough, I tell you. I mean, he left her home hobbled like Paul Sheldon in Misery, telling her that the Uber app was halfway loaded on her iPhone and she could “figure it out” , so I’m not sure what you guys were expecting the man to do.
Retread just did retread things. Steady pace, not much chatter. Always there, always watching.
I’ll be looking to trying to get after it a little harder in the upcoming weeks – need to get the fitness up a bit and unchain Princess Leia from my leg. Summer time is the best time to drop a few lbs. Time to get a sweat on. I hear there’s a chocolate milk with my name on it at an upcoming Ghost Runner.
Something about a Grow Ruck, or Glow Ruck? I think you buy a $400 book bag and then pay $800 to have Dredd yell at you for 24 hours. Who’s in?
TR, EE, HH, Beetlejuice
Knowing the tradition of being assigned the Q upon inquiry via the WAMRAP Slack channel, I attempted a foolish end-around via iMessage. Deep down in my little heart I knew what was going to happen, but I’ve been slacking myself a bit lately and needed a good Wednesday workout. So, I texted Alfalfa and “you got it” came back at me pretty quickly.
I got it.
Medium-Large Quatrofish at Traffic Circle #1. Pax choose 20 reps of a Chest, Leg, Ab, and Wildcard exercise at each leg. 5 burpee center. Bonus bear crawl the circle after every cycle. No repeat exercises allowed, so spend those imperial walkers and calf raises wisely.
Slackless EE just shows up and deals with whatever is being dealt. He puts his head down and just pulls the cart. What a man. He has the inlaws staying with him all week, so I think he slept in the parking lot. His phone kept ringing and he looked as nervous as a one-eyed man surrounded by seagulls.
Beetlejuice (Betelgeuse) kept in good spirits, doing a pro-level mod on a few of the legs. The best part was watching his headlamp bounce up and down behind the hedges on Leg #4 like an avant-garde prairie dog of the future with all the right gear but a mild case of speluncaphobia.
TR was a nice surprise, like the McRib he is. What wasn’t a surprise was him skipping pert near all of the exercises. Never even phased me. He was nice and spry on the runs though. Word has it that he’s Boston Ready. Or maybe Boston Market ready? Something like that.
Speaking of TR, apparently he threw down the cake for a new washing machine but wouldn’t pony up the extra $25 for delivery and haul-off so now he’s trying to unload (pun intended) a defunct giant front-loader from his upstairs to anyone gullible enough to haul it away. I think that $25 is going to look pretty good once the wife gets tired of the giant cube in the hallway, but what do I know?
I think we talked about P90X at some point, namely the plyo video where I puked in my bonus room many years ago. That was awesome.
I was thinking about some things. We call the workout leaders Qs, also the name of the head of Q Branch with the British Secret Service (the guy who makes the James Bond gadgets). It also seems to be the name of the mysterious leader of the possum-pelted ruffians who stormed the Capitol and hawked Beech Nut lougies in Nancy Peloci’s secret diary. Qincidence? Hmmmm . . . Strange things are afoot.
There is a 5k to benefit something somewhere.
Also please sign up for the cross-regional-national ironman workout marathon challenge, sponsored by the Calvary Food Pantry. Workout in all of the US time zones in the same day and get a custom shirt designed by some guy from F3 Cleveland, complete with moisture wicking Drew Carey workout glasses.
Voodoo’s BRR team said we had to write moar backblasts, so hear goez.
Actually, I never stopped writing them. I just haven’t Q’d much lately.
7 Skunks – one as funky smelling as his namesake.
Funky Cold, Chicken Wing, Smokey, Stone Cold, Baracus, Chubbs, HH
1H Swing to Clean to Clean & Press to Snatch complex
Start at 1 rep each arm, then go up by 1 until 5 (or failure), then back down 10 Burpees
This was one of the original 3 “Vevlar” workouts that we powered through when F3 was shut down exactly a year ago. Stone Cold and I used these over and over to get us through the worst of it. We tweaked them slightly and each variation ended up at right around 45 mins. We tried it on Zoom originally, but working out on Zoom might be worse than actual Zoom meetings at work so we ended up just doing them whenever we could.
The playlist was a random “Ultimate 80’s Hit Songs” that I found on Deezer. We just took in whatever came at us from the speaker.
Smokey kept complaining about wanting to hear 90’s hairband songs. I’ll let you in on a little secret. The Horsehead isn’t really a big fan of the 90’s hairband action. Bunch of guys in makeup and hairspray wearing tight leather isn’t my jam. I’ll take the random fashion and awkwardness of the 80’s, but to each his own.
Stone Cold kept texting me before the workout wanting specific terrain details for footwear selection. We all know he just only wears those Purple Haze knockoff all black shoes that you order from the back page of Prevention Magazines in the doctors office waiting room, so I’m not sure why he tries to put on such a show.
Lois was out. Visor injury. Ice up son.
Funky Cold pre-ran, but apparently did not pre &*!@ since he proceeded to &*!@ all over us during the workout.
Baracus wants to start a chubby hubby 9+min pace running club and I’m all in.
Chubbs is 23 years old. That old Tacoma pickup that I drive to the workouts is 21 years old.
Chicken Wing has the Q next week and promises to write an even better backblast than this.
Word of the Day is Quiddity – 1) The inherent nature of essence of someone or something or 2) A distinctive feature; a peculiarity.
Horsehead’s jovial demeanor is as much a quiddity as his giant eyebrow is.
BLC, Clover, Manziel, Geraldo, Chubbs, Mile High, Orange Whip, Tupperware, Brownout(FNG), Marvel, Wormwood, Stinger, Horsehead
13 Kevlarinians for a Q that was most definitely not made up on the fly. Actually . . .
Tapped for the Kevlar Q this week, which I most gladly accepted. The old Trapper Keeper was out of pre-canned workouts, but I had this one rolled up in the handle of my Rambo Survival Knife. I still remember when my pops got me that jewel from the Florence Flea Market. My buddies and I spent 4 hours trying to cut down a giant oak tree with the stupid little cable saw that hooked to the two keyrings that you put on your fingers and managed to saw through more of our fingers than the tree. The oak tree was right beside my house, so I’m not sure what our plan was anyways for dropping that bad boy right on the roof. It’s probably best that it didn’t work out.
We kept it fairly simple, like the Flipper challenges that keep coming out on Slack. Actually, those things are complicated as all get out. I think that only one person has ever completed one and he ended up finding One Eye Willie’s hidden treasure stash. He was so confused at the end that he only took home a backpack full of Baby Ruths #Sloth and now lives in poverty.
Nice fly by from the TigerBall running crew. TR is looking lean and mean. I think he orders the grilled nuggets at Chick Fil A. Nobody else eats those, they are disgusting. The results speak for themselves though. He looks like the bearded knight guardian of the Holy Grail on Indiana Jones and Last Crusade, but with a little more color. I hear they are making a new movie soon. Harrison Ford is 127 years old and it’s called Raiders of the Lost Remote.
Maybe I should talk about the people who actually came to the workout now that I’m on a roll. Chubbs is getting pretty fast. He’s like 19 years old though. He’s priming up for Site Q material. I wouldn’t answer any texts from Orange Whip if I were him.
BLC is always ready for action. When the white Dodge rolls up we know what’s up. Nobody has any idea what he is saying, but we like it that way. Usually those types of confused stares are reserved for folks listening to me speak, so it’s nice to see it taken to the next level sometimes.
Manziel seemed a bit perplexed by the uneven stairs of death on the hill. For some reason, he decided to keep running up and down them when literally everyone else at the workout was running on the grassy hill . There is a good Polish joke in here somewhere, but I’ll let you guys figure it out.
Good to have Stinger out, even though he missed the memo and parked at the old lot. He pulled an OT and ran around for a while before he caught up with us. If this were a Metro workout, we would have purposely left you but it’s all hugs and shrugs down here in the South.
Welcome First Time Kevlar poster Tupperware and FNG Brownout. Come back out and see us.
That’s all I have time for today. I’m petitioning for Pluto to regain planet status so I’ll probably be cancelled soon. It was nice knowing you.
One, two princes kneel before you
That what I said now
Princes, princes who adore you
Just go ahead now
One has diamonds in his pockets
That’s some bread, now
This one said he wants to buy you rockets
Ain’t in his head, now
Who it was:
Madison, Chicken Wing, Full House, Cage, OT, Christmas, Retread, HH
What it was:
How it was:
It was cold, that’s how it was. I’m not sure I ever warmed up. Parts of my body may never be seen again.
Not a ton of chatter out there . . . friendly group. All of the hate must funnel over to the Colony Place Teeter on Thursdays for the DST workout, because this is a pretty nice group of chaps.
It was nice working out in the Rona Testing/Vaccination parking lot for a bit. I think I’ll burn my shoes now.
Fun Fact: In 9 years of syndication, Hamilton Burger only defeated Perry Mason twice in court.
Gotta run – date night at Showbiz Pizza, where a kid can be a kid. This neckbeard ain’t gonna comb itself.
Baracus, Hoover, Smokey, Cage, Madison, Lex Luthor, Yeti, Header, Tweetsie, Lois, Chicken Wing, Horsehead
A rowdy dozen braved the chilly air for Groundhog Day Skunk, where we all eagerly anticipated the reaction of Puxtawny Phil, who was nestled deep in the warmth of Hoovers multi-colored beard. When he finally emerged, he saw his own shadow and peed himself, so we had to end the workout with the same thing we started with.
Short BB today due to work and spending too much time at the Fahrvergnügen dealer. Just a few nuggs.
Spackler on Q next week. The game is afoot.
Blood Mile coming up at SCMS. Give a pint, run a lap. Bring the kids.
Manziel, Whip, Rhapsody, Geraldo, Chubbs, Spyglass, Pine Tar, Honeymoon, Lex, Chopper, Posse, Horsehead
13 at the Kevlar for 12 Days of Christmas Music, set to “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, by the Vince Guaraldi Trio. Well, at least the first part.
You know the deal, or at least you do now. 12 Day of Christmas – run it through and add a day each time. Lapsody and OnYourLeft Whip did a bonus round while we finished up.
Some boys from “The Haw” (which was apparently nicknamed by Junior Samples) rolled in to get their Passports stamped. While we ran around in a lighted parking lot, Posse donned a full safety ensemble, with a codpiece geiger counter and a suit of armor fashioned out of aluminum foil. He didn’t like the Charlie Brown music either, but I think it was just the ill-fitting codpiece talking. Something was mentioned about NPR radio, but ever since Garrison Keillor got cancelled for penning dirty limericks I’ve been out of touch.
After Charlie’s football was snatched away, we moved on to some “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses (Geraldo request) and then some Burl Ives, Dean, Frank, and who know what else came on while the phone was unattended. Don’t tell me I’m not a man of the people. Next year, I’ll bring in a pouty chanteuse to sing Santa Baby for everyone while passing around a jug of Tigerball.
There was discussion at the COT as to whether the countoff should be done Clockwise, or Widdershins. I know that Metro is seated vs. A51 standing, but I’m (surprisingly) agnostic on these things. Chime in with your thoughts on this.
Lots of Holiday Convergences, with all sorts of unnecessary time shifting and random late-day happenings, so be sure to check all of the proper internet channels to track these things lest you end up alone in a parking lot at the time when real workouts are supposed to start.
I would interject some more Beaufort T. Justice quotes, but they are not as funny with the substituted $%*!@ symbols they require. Jackie Gleason was a pure comedy master. We named a guy Beaufort T. once, I think. It was over at Joust when it used to be a real workout. Wonder what happened there? Not to Joust (we know what happened there), but to the guy?
New Waxhaw workout starting at Porter Ridge HS, which is not in Waxhaw. Figure it out.
9 skunks with frozen bells in their trunks
Smokey, Chicken Wing, Lois, Yeti, Madison, Victoria, Lex, Horsehead, missing 1
Warmup run to the old parking lot and back to check for stragglers.
Warmup COP – every KB exercise the Q could muster plus some bonus
Swing / Run (m)
7s on the Lacrosse Hill – squat thrusts / frosty merkins
Swing / Merkin
Out of time
Since we are closing this year out with a flaming fart, here’s a list of 11 things I hate:
I’m not going out like that, so here are 12 things that I do like
As for the workout, it was pretty fun. We all got a good sweat on and kept the heart rates elevated for the most part. KBs are cold. So was the grass at the top of the hill.
Next week is the annual Skunk who Stole Christmas. Don’t miss out. If you don’t know what this is all about, you just need to show up and find out in person. Be prepared for a slight twist this year to make it a little more fun for everyone.
PS: No passports were harmed during this workout
10 Frozen Turkeys, falling like bags of wet cement (or Anvils) from the sky. Oh, the humanity!
Geraldo, Point Break, Jet Fuel, Floor Slapper, Mr. Magoo, Lorax, Red Baron, Clover, Boondock, Horsehead
Warmup COP in one of the giant parking lots. Standard bootcamp fare – nothing exotic. Full pivot cadence with higher-than-expected audience participation.
P1 run to the traffic circle by the stupid rocks
P2 do 25 merkins, 25 LBC, 25 step ups, 25 Runstoppers
Note: this was timed to perfection, even though the rep count was a huge shot in dark.
7s on the hill – burpees/merkins
Suicides at the lampposts – more merkins (variety pack)
Pinball run back to launch. This is a group AYG run to a distant object, with a mosey back for the six while we all regroup and prepare to hit the next distant object. It’s much better than the Indian Run, as the fast guys can really blow some steam off here. It’s also not on the list of banned exercises, which matters deeply to me. I think that Harry Potter and Catcher in the Rye are also banned now, but I’ll have to check.
Decent crowd, given that many had the day off and were possibly pre-medicating in preparation for a Thanksgiving Microsoft Teams meeting or whatever such obscenity that 2020 has prepared for your loved ones.
Jet Fuel continued with the full tuck, leaving only a meager tease of exposed bright white upper knee area that would have been viewed as scandalous in a previous time, but now I guess it’s just how people dress.
Lorax has reverted back to Dave Ramsey Baby Step #1 after dropping a significant amount of cheese on some Mopar LED Headlights. Think of all of the energy he is saving though. The man is basically a Green New Deal on Wheels. His math is a little shaky though.
Geraldo likes to walk around dragging giant bookbags filled with rocks, but he has a terpsichorean spirit when unburdened. The big man is light on his feet and dances across the campus, outpacing his group while (surely) doing all of the requested reps.
Clover has a good heart, but a somewhat odd sense of humor (pot/kettle). He’s the guy who makes this awesome suicide Polar Pop at the Circle K, but then puts a large squirt of blue Powerade at the end just to gross everyone out. He is also obsessed with evening soap operas from the 1980s.
Red Baron keeps getting faster (and smaller), just like the crappy pizzas. He’s a pilot though, not a pizza, and actually related to Joe Cool and Snoopy.
Point Break learned everything he knows about acting from Gailard Sartain and Gary Busey, who used to work together before they really hit it big. I’m not sure he has ever seen Hee Haw though. Sa-lute!
Dang it, now I have to keep going and write something special about everybody.
Mr. Magoo is awesome. My 2.0 Boondock likes to call everyone by “Mr.” and then their F3 name. So I guess he is Mr. Mr. Magoo.
Floor Slapper is shockingly on time these days. I think he takes turns with OT.
That about does it.
The purple airbrushed Horse Head shirt was my gift to you all. Things are so serious these days that I figured I might as well let folks have a laugh at my expense. That’s about the best I can do.
Reach out to somebody who you haven’t seen in a while. People are hurting this Holiday Season and need human interaction. Isolation is unhealthy.