Let’s cut to the chase (or is it chaise?) here, Cinco de Mayo is about as much of a holiday as Administrative Professionals day. No offense to any administrative professionals reading this backblast. I’m sure you do an exemplary job of being some over-paid executive’s work spouse and/or legal guardian but to offer up a holiday to you and not to say first responders, teachers, and/or the dude stocking your groceries in aisle 11 is a bit of ball tap IMO. But I digress.
Cinco de Mayo is not a real holiday, settled. But we Americans are loathe to pass up an opportunity to appropriate someone’s culture, bastardize the hell out of it, and then somehow claim it’s about freedom and independence. Yeah, well you put a man on the moon six times and all those countries using the metric system can suck it. So what is the reason to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? One word, losers.
Settle in for a brief history lesson here kiddos. You see, back in 1858 two political parties in Mexico couldn’t get along. They were named, wait for it, the liberals and the conservatives. I shit you not. Since these groups couldn’t get along, they decided the only way to settle their differences was through
kumite civil war. IMO, roshambo would have been a far more efficient way to get things done but what does a middle-aged white guy in America with the power of the internet know?
Getting back to it, wars are expensive and like any self-respecting country you take out loans you’ll never repay. The post-civil war Mexican president placed a moratorium on Mexican debt payments after the civil war which upset the loan sharks known as Great Britain, Spain, and France. All three converged on Mexico like a bunch of fat kids at an ice cream buffet. Great Britain and Spain were cool with just getting paid later and worked out an agreement to that effect. But France had a different idea.
Like the ole bait and switch tactic that Napoleon III used to go from being elected president to declaring himself emperor. France stated their intentions were X and then decided to do something else. Like invade a country with the intent to install a monarchy. What could go wrong?
As one might assume, this went over about as well as the Q calling burpees at Hydra.
Enter May 5th, 1862 or Cinco de Mayo if you haven’t been following along. France has gone from loan shark to invading army, with a fighting force now at the metaphorical gates of the city of Puebla. The French general approached the city and, dismissing the opinions of his men, attacked from a weaker position. By mid-afternoon that day, the French fighting force at Puebla had exhausted all of their reserves, in both men and material. The French general fled the battlefield by 4 PM that same day, having taken a beating so bad he would return to France in disgrace.
Therefore, Cinco de Mayo is not about Mexican independence, but instead about the French losing one battle to the Mexican army.
But not the men of Hydra, no losers out there today. No sir-ee. Here’s what went down.
Warmup: IW, Merkins, Mt Climbers, Peter Parker, Parker peter, low slow squat
Run to the church, partner up. Grab one lifting rock for both of you
Partner 1: run the loop around the church
Partner 2: called exercise
Curls/Tricep Ext/Presses/Squats/Good morning
Go back to the school, line up abreast at the end of the parking lot just past the trees, on your bellies,
AYG to the other end
People’s chair, 25 air presses IC,
20 jump squats
Mosey back to the trees
We did this twice
Mosey back to launch for some Murray.
17 was the magic number and a good crew today. It should be noted YHC flummoxed a perfectly
regurgitated rehearsed disclaimer, and we had an FNG (poor guy). Sprockets was also back in town #kotters(?). YHC must have done something right during COP, because 100% of the pax did the first exercise. Imperial walkers, but still it was 100%. #winning
The nonsense at the church was a true time killer, but YHC also was able to AMRAP each exercise with the distance of the loop. Either that or my partner was just slow. Brandy and Foghorn were on fire today, lapping just about everyone of the pax.
Our FNG was named Marty. After the actual Marty from Ozark because he’s a financial planner. And I’m sure he launders money for the Mexican
government cartel to keep the loan sharks French away.
Thanks to Cottonmouth for the take-out
Post credit scene: Upon the return of the French general to France, he urged Napoleon III to withdraw from Mexico, cut losses and consider the dream of the second Mexican Empire dead. Eventually, Napoleon III listened. But only after 30,000 troops were dispatched, a puppet monarch installed, and the U.S. began providing political and military assistance to Mexico to expel the French (which meant we were about to go full Mike Tyson on a plane f*ck around and find out mode). The installed monarch was eventually defeated, captured, and executed. Losers.
It should be noted that this was the last time any army from another continent invaded the Americas. Because, you know freedom and independence. (and tacos)