Pax: TR, Purell, Hoover, Voodoo, Young Love, Plasma, Stone Cold, Tulip, Bulldog, Soul Glo, Chin Music, Header, Turkey Leg, Smokey, Horsehead
13 unsuspecting souls, plus a man with an unwavering plan, and a token Q with a suspect playlist. How could this go wrong?
Somehow, I mistook “Bring your speaker, scullion” as “Will you Q Meathead Thursday?” and it went downhill from there. Nevertheless, we completed Day Whatever of the awful squat pyramid workout. For those following along, this is a M/Th/Sat strength program that alternates press/squat days. It was my first day with the double 20kg squats, which was not pretty. Early finishers did cleans and RDLs, followed by 5 mins of snatches for the group. The whole thing was sandwiched between two sets of rectum swallowing planks, all set to an inspiring Weird Al Yankovic greatest hits soundtrack.
The Pax are getting this thing together, and I’m seeing a lot of improvement. The swings are looking a little less Charles Barkley and more Tiger Woods (except on Thanksgiving 2009). I think only 50% of the group soiled themselves during the squats today, which is a 50% improvement. I only soiled 50% of myself and it was 50% into the workout, so that figures in somehow. Basically, dudes be getting swole up in here. Bulldog has been carrying around dual gallon jugs of BROrotein mix with his sleeves rolled up that he can simultaneously ingest and curl throughout the day. Smokey had to go up a hat size after only one workout. Turkey Leg flat busted out of his GI Joe onesie and it was a little uncomfortable at first, but we just went with it.
In order to deal with this massive swolishness, I think we are going to have to step up the eating. I’ve been watching this British Baking Show on Netflix and they call cookies biscuits over there. So, if you go home tonight, smack the M on the arse and tell her to “fetch you a batch of biscuits” she’s likely to punch you in the mouth and not bring you Oreos instead of Bojangles from what I understand. Give it a run and text me.
Speaking of texting and getting punched by someone’s wife, It seems that Header finally upgraded his Blackberry 47, to a limited edition Jerry Fallwell skinned Iphone 3 with the Teletubby case. A bonus is that somehow his 4:30AM texts to his best Bro Chin Music are actually going to Chin’s M. I can Only Imagine the awkwardness. #MercyMe. It was good to have them both back, however. When they didn’t show on Monday, I thought that they had gotten raptured on Sunday evening and we were all living in a Tim LaHaye book. Turns out they were in a dispute over whos role was supposed to be played by Kirk Cameron, which ended up in some heated texts between Header and Chin’s M. Nobody got any biscuits.
The Weird Al stuff is fantastic. It’s weird, that’s a given, but also genius. I was blasting “White and Nerdy” in the garage while soldering a new power circuit into a 1976 Fender Champ tube amplifier last night and it was both catchy and incriminatory. The amp needs a properly matched driver, as someone butchered it with an 8 ohm Radio Shack special that is causing the tubes to overwork. The power switch was shorted to ground and someone had installed a 15A fuse instead of the 1A which was not a good idea. I’m off on a trail here, but once the glue on the tolex repair sets and the new Warehouse Guitar driver comes in we will have something special that can’t be replicated by solid state electronics.
Speaking of Tiger Rag, master of puppets, he’s back in full force. I think he is the McRib of A51. You don’t know how long the limited time offering will last, but it sure is good when it’s here. Let’s hope it sticks around for a while. I’m stocking up.
It’s time for some lukewarm Hawaiian Punch in the metal can and a Moon Pie.
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