Sit Biscuit Poisoning

  • When:07/07/14
  • QIC: Tiger Rag
  • The PAX: Horse Head, Spackler, Boutique, Prohibition, Chanel, Stone Cold, Stump Hugger, Swiss Miss

Sit Biscuit Poisoning

While Whiplash enjoyed warmed blankies and Hydrox cookies on L&D (#ExcuseBag) your local meatheaded, smokehooved yogi took the Q. Clinical jargon and surgically precise movements were replaced with a blunt force trauma approach: “Stretch until your arse splits open or you rupture a disc.”  If ever a workout needed a disclaimer it was this one.

Having recently learned what the hip flexors are and that professional sitting men have a rather shabby pair, the goal was to loosen them up a bit.  For the uninitiated, the hip flexor is the muscle that connects the lower anterior abdominus area with the upper flabby thigh region.  What happens is this: when you’re on the sit biscuit all day working, driving, watching the telly and whatnot, the hip flexors are in a near-permanent state of flexion (what the pros call “scrunched up”). This results in deactivated glutes, a forward-tilting pelvis, lower back pain and tight hammies, among other things. Functionally speaking, the chair is killing your squat form and/or your ability to take a poop in the woods (or, if you’re Splinter, front yards in Piper Glen).

If I’ve learned anything from Byron, it’s that you never go on TV dressed as a pirate:  I’ve also learned that you should work opposing body part–so, in addition to the hip flexors, we worked the hamstrings.

The WARM UP was something along these lines:

  • Hokey Pokey Leg Shakes  (This one is tricky because it creates a situation where all your testosterone leaks down the planted leg into a puddle on your yoga mat)
  • Hip Circles
  • Prying Squat
  • Grounded crane pose (crane pose, but don’t lift feet)
  • Windmills
  • Standing hamstring stretch

THANG (more or less, and probably not in the right order)

  • Deep lunge (on knee)
  • Twisting lunge
  • Hurdler hamstring stretches
  • Standing hamstring stretches (deeper and longer)
  • Pigeon pose variations – a crowd pleaser
  • Seated hamstring stretches (L / R / Both). Use the straps/bands if needed.
  • Cobbler pose
  • Supine 3 way strap stretches: Hamstring, groin, IT band (or whatever that thing is that hurts so bad on the outer part of the hip).
  • Repeato but push against the pull.
  • That P90X move where you lay on your stomach, grab your ankles behind you and then push them away, causing the chest to rise up off the ground.
  • Up dog, down dog
  • A quick deep lunge to finish up


  • If you see a rogue barge adrift on the Catawba, talk to Stone Cold about returning the rope used to tie it up.
  • Whereas most of the pax could barely reach past their knee caps on the standing hamstring stretch, Chanel’s 84″ reach, combined with his 26″ inseam, allowed him to go palms to the ground. It was as freakish as it was impressive.
  • It’s just a matter of time before Horse Head snaps clean in two. As brittle, and white (I might add) as a saltine cracker.
  • Chanel and Spackler battling for biggest truck in 51.  Horse Head vying for smallest. #ThingsINotice
  • Still reeling from knowing Haze would rather run the Muthaship–on his recovery day, no less–than post at Flex with me on Q. Guess this is payback for all the youth size jokes.


Only one: sign up for the Mud Run by July 15.

About the author

Tiger-Rag author

Notify of
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Purple Haze
9 years ago

Not a personal affront…just a terrible decision.

9 years ago

What happens at The Devil’s Turn does not stay at The Devil’s Turn. #Iknowwhatyoudidlastsummer


Whatever that thing was where I felt like I was trying got eat my foot . . . I almost had to press my LifeCall button. I couldn’t tell whether or not Stone Cold had a life preserver on his rope to toss me and I was definitely stuck in that position for a period of time.

Stump Hugger
9 years ago

Who knew? – I would guess a Pigeon pose to be a bird pooping on a park bench.

9 years ago

Seeing HH in a pigeon pose was by far the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in quite awhile.

Reply to  Spackler
9 years ago

Pot-kettle. You looked like Gumby on Viagra

Reply to  Horsehead
9 years ago

I last for 4 hours but anything over that I will seek immediate medical attention.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x