Author Archive Agony

Van Buren Boys Take to the Street

BLUF: Happy President’s Day (First to correctly tweet answers to all these trivia questions, Kirk will hand deliver you four cans of his Hopcakes.)

1. Which President was shot while giving a speech, but finished the speech with a bullet still in his chest?

Pregame: Golden Mule and YHC arrived in the lot assuming the others would be wise enough to stay home. Yet a dozen men arrived on time (while 1 nameless pax…coughSWIPERcough…treated it like he was attending Waypoint Community Church and showed up late)

2. Which President was the head cheerleader at his high school?

The Thang:

3. What President skinny dipped every day?

Mosey to Carmel Pres (0.5miles)

  • SSH, Merkins

The Loop (.25 miles)

  • 100 Sumo Squats-The Loop (People’s Chair)
  • 90 Dips-The Loop (Plank)
  • 80 Full Situps-The Loop (V-sit)
  • 70 Broad Jumps-The Loop (People’s Chair)
  • 60 Dry Docks-The Loop (Plank)
  • 50 Holes to Heaven-The Loop (V-sit)
  • 40 Step-Ups-The Loop (People’s Chair)
  • 30 Hand Release Merkins-The Loop (Plank)
  • 20 Russian Twist-The Loop (V-sit)
  • 10 Turkish Getups-The Loop (People’s Chair)

Run Home

4. Which President taught a parrot to curse?


5. What President was arrested while in office for running over a woman with his horse?

Do people still read these backblasts? By now haven’t we all sort of fallen into a pattern of behavior. Swiper farts. Kirk refuseniks the exercises. Orlando encourages. Aqua tries to hold the DMZ together. Swiper farts again. Uncle Phil, Bout Time, One Eye and other actually do the full sets. Bushwood doesn’t show. Kirk sprints by on the final lap wondering why everyone is so tired. Tclaps to Hamlet…pushing the pace on the loops.

6. Which President had the telephone number of 1?

Prayers–BoutTime and 2.0; Benny.

7. When creating the executive branch, how many presidents did Madison want to serve simultaneously in order to distribute power?


(Disclaimer: Its highly likely that the cans will be empty, but Kirk will still deliver them.)

Old School

7 men arrived on time to #DMZ.

The Thang:

Warmup run to Carmel Prez Parking Lot

Warmup: SSH, Squats, Mtn. Climbers

Mosey to Benches

Partner 1: Run .25 (x3)

Partner 2: Jump Squats (x2); Wall Sits

Partner 1: Run .25 (x3)

Partner: HandRelease Merkins, Bentarm planks

Mosey to Playground

10 “toes to bar” while Partner holds boat

Mosey to Benches

COM: LBC (x25), Dolly (x25), WWII Situps (x15), Holes-To-Heaven (x15), Boone-LBC (x20), 30 sec Boat

Mosey to Parking Lot

100 yd sprints (x8)

  • Kirk–LBCs
  • BoutTime–Flutters
  • PotHole–Mtn Climbers
  • Hannibal–Dolly
  • Aquafresh–Merkins
  • Hamlet–Jerkins

Way Home: Catch-Me-If-You-Can-Burpee


  • I guess most men stayed up too late watching the Bachelorette that they failed to post.
  • There is no good place to do pull-ups or bar exercises in this AO. Plus after the ant attack from the rock pile, my creativity is really hampered.
  • But Toes-To-Bar is by far the best new workout.
  • Tclaps to Kirk for being the chaser in the run home, knew his competitive spirit would mean he left it all on the course.
  • My boys goal yesterday was to fart 37 times in honor of their mom’s birthday…I think Kirk’s one bomb trumped their 37.


Agony’s Playground: Dirty Thirty

Aye…20 Pax posted with the thoughts of putting some long hard miles in pre-Thanksgiving.  But Santa’s sled, disguised like every other middle aged man in southpark, a volvo wagon, made an early appearance with some toys for the pax.

The Thang: 

Mosey with KBs and WallBalls through the hole infested back side of RTS

Dirty Thirty (30reps)

  • Hand Release Durkins
  • KettleBell Swings
  • Lunge Walk
  • SitUps
  • Dips
  • Wall Ball
  • Donkey Kicks
  • Tire Flips
  • Shuttleruns
  • Burpees

Equalizer: Plankorama, Mary: LBCs, Dolly

Repeat above at 20reps

Equalizer: Mtn. Climbers, Russian Twist

Repeat above at 10reps

Mosey home: Team weighted individual fartlick runs in a line


  • A post-race season workout that as the hibernation kicks in focused on muscle than speed.
  • Some pax took to doing the worm rather than handrelease durkins
  • #Cobains to the ‘hood for the tireflipping-thuds at 5:45
  • Discovered the YMCA no longer will allow their trainers to call them “Indian Runs” or “Suicides.”
  • Cuda was priming his med alert bracelet during the first circuit of donkey kicks, but pushed through.
  • PAX–you are no stronger and prepared to carry in the frozen turkey (or Tofurky)


  • Dunkin Donuts and Bible time at Rally Point
  • Thanksgiving Day convergences–check the website
  • A running race in Jan–check the website
  • Area 51 Christmas Party–check the website

PreBlast: Agony’s Playground

For those who read preblasts still…you are in luck.  Start memorizing, as there will be punishments for forgetting.

  • HR Durkins
  • KB Swings
  • Lunges
  • Situps
  • WallBall
  • Dips
  • DK
  • Flips
  • Suicides
  • Burpees

See you at 5:30am in Carmel Parking Lot…you late you will be left

Playing Catch Up

The Thang:

Eyes Open and Focus on the clock saying 5:21am.

Jump squat out of the bed and into short shorts and singlet.
Sprint to the car, realize you left your keys, sprint back into the house, Rinse&Repeat.

Single leg lift as driving while putting on shoes; Flapjack.

Fly into parking lot while the rest of the PAX are doing SSH.

Run to Carmel middle, stopping at each driveway for Agony’s Exponential Merkins:

  • 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, 27 (Mathmeticians have calculated for me that was 137 merkins)
  • AirSquats as Agony gets his morning pee in the bushes.

Mosey to the track

Rest while Agony ties his shoes.

Timed Mile–Kirk taking the tape in a 6:07.

Partner up

Partner Durkins (15); Shoulder–Frontal, Lat, and Presses (15); Partner Durkins (15)

Partner Mile–while 

Jack Webbs to 10

Mosey Home

  • Wall Sits
  • 20 Dips

Native American Run Home


> Regardless of popular opinion, I dress myself.

> Realized this workout turned into a tribute workout: The MerkinMile was a tribute to SwampFox, The TimedMile was for OneEye, the unnecessary JackWebb was for RunStopper.

> Good work from the PAX to push themselves.

> Unfortunately, the PAX missed the initial call as I parked my car for 10 Burpees as Kirk had Qed the waiting for sleepyhead.  Grateful though cause it would have ruined my Burpee Free Guarantee.



Embrace the Cold Big Ball

[LOOKs like we are still banned from adding images, so google “Tongue stuck to a pole” for the image that would be embedded here].

The bravest of the brave arrived in the Carmel parking lot for their final workout prior to being iced into their homes.  10 pax peeled themselves out of their seat warmers to discover that Agony was on the Q and as the disclaimer clearly states, “not a professional.”

Lining up, the 10 PAX proceeded to run the fabled Indian  Native American Guy-in-the-back-runs-to-the-front Run.  However to add a bit of a twist–literally–an 18lb medicine ball was passed back, and then the man in the back sprinted to his front carrying this ball.

After surveying the course at Church at Charlotte, the PAX entered the hallowed courtyard to warmup (SSH and Mtn Climbers) and begin the #OldHundred with a sprint around the Church between each round, which at one point it was mandatory that you carry the big ball.

  • 100) Squats
    • Recovery: Low Slow Flutters
  • 90) Wall Sit Air Presses
    • Recovery: Dollies
  • 80) Stepups
    • Recovery: BackStratchers (the Waxer)
  • 70) Dry Docks
    • Recovery: LBCs
  • 60) Jump Lunges
    • Recovery: Holes to Heaven
  • 50) Dips
    • Recovery: Russian Twist
  • 40) Box Jumps
    • Recovery: Plank
  • 30) HandRelease Merkins
  • 20) 180 Squat Jumps
  • 10) Burpees

Running low on time we were not able to complete the second round so modified on the fly

  • 25) Squats
  • 20) Wall Sit Air Presses
  • 15) SetUps
  • 10) HandRelease Merkins
  • 5) Burpee Box Jumps


Though there were a few bankers and econ majors among the PAX, counting seemed to a bit challenging.  Plus it limited the mubblechatter.  Though we did discover a new tag line for Waypoint, “Don’t do what I say, do what I meant to say.”

Much of the hot air was used on debating the naming of Big Easy or Who Dat?  In concession as he seems to gravitate to BigEasy, I do declare that during the name-o-rama, the PAX must respond to Big Easy with a “Who Dat?” call.

Glad to see my EHs of two new FNGs were completely disregarded as they continue to fartsack.

With the dedicate crew of 10 PAX appearing in 25 degree weather, I am wondering if the #Ferns give out little hand-warmers with their free lollipops.

Hops closed us out with a strong prayer–impressive recall of the PAX facing challenges and in need of prayer.

PS-Property Committee at Church at Charlotte you all have a slight slope in the foundation that rolls the big ball into the Q as he does his LBCs.

To Infinity and Beyond

24 PAX appeared out of the gloom to spur one another on.

The Thang:


:30 AUG (all you got)/:30 Mosey
1:00 AUG/1:00 Mosey
1:30 AUG/1:30 Mosey

Partner Pushup Pyramid

  • 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
    (Hold plank during partner reps)
  • Active Recovery: LBCs & Dollys


:30 AUG (all you got)/:30 Mosey
1:00 AUG/1:00 Mosey
1:30 AUG/1:30 Mosey

Partner Shoulder Press

  • Front/Lat Raises (15reps x 3 sets)
  • Active Recovery: Wall Squat


:30 AUG (all you got)/:30 Mosey
1:00 AUG/1:00 Mosey
1:30 AUG/1:30 Mosey

Jack Webbs

  • Handrelease pushup (up to 8)
  • Airpress (up to 16)


:30 AUG (all you got)/:30 Mosey
1:00 AUG/1:00 Mosey
1:30 AUG/1:30 Mosey


  • LBCsx32
  • Roselitax16
  • RussianTwistx15
  • Dollyx12
  • Merkinsx10

Mosey to ShovelFlag


  • Strong running circles around Church At Charlotte.  If you want to get faster, than run with faster guys–or stand near Swiper and his fumes will make you push more.  Knew we would get strung out because each man was pushing himself past his limits.  But good communicae through the ranks kept everyone going.
  • The midwifery was in full force during partner pyramid pushups; and questionable stance selection by Cuda during partner lateral raises.
  • The naming of an FNG:  “What was that astronaut’s name?” “You mean Buzz?”  “Yeah Buzz Lightyear.”  (Mumbled under his breath: I meant Buzz Aldrin, but LightYear it is).

I’m Not a Professional but Follow Me

Adding to the things I learned category this week, old-school shepherds Qed by getting out in front of the flock and calling them forward.  So, 26 PAX followed YHC into the gloom this morning as we went through an agonizingly “strings of pearl” workout.  Wondering what a SoP is you can read about it here.  Come to think of it, it may be too tough for you, I did it, but I am not sure you can handle it (page 99 of Freed to Lead)


#BarrySwitzer (more like a #JoneJunes): TheDisclaimer

Mosey to FireAntField

Warmup: SSHx25; EmperialWalkersx20; Merkinsx20; MtnClimbersx20

Mosey to TennisCourts

SidelineSuicides with 5+5+10 reps of Merkins, JumpSquats, DryDocks, and Burpees

Mosey to C@C corner lot

  • Pearl1: 20xMerkins; 25sec Air Squats (5sec rec); 25sec Air Squats (5sec rec); 25sec Jump Squats (5sec rec); 25sec Jump Squats (5sec rec); 1MiniLap
  • Pearl2: 20xMtnClimbers; 25sec plank walks down hill (5sec rec); 25sec plank walk up hill (5sec rec); 25sec plank walk downhill (5sec rec); 25sec plank walk uphill (5sec rec); 1MiniLap
  • Pearl3: 20xDips; 25sec partner lat raises (flapjack); 25sec partner frontal raises (flapjack); 1 MiniLap
  • CubicZaronia: 10xDownhillBurpees; CatchMeIfYouCan Backwards run–audibled after collision

Active Recovery: WallSit

  • COM: LBCx33; Dollyx17; KneeUpx15; RussianTwistx??
  • Indian NativeAmerican OriginalLandOwners Get in a line and have the guy in the back run fast to front-Runs



  • As advised by my attorney, tried to start the Workout with the BarrySwitzer to go over the waiver and disclaimer but the boys of DMZ huddled up like a girls lacrosse team, so I think I managed “I am not a professional, and you know what you are getting yourself into.”  Hope that holds up in a court of law.
  • Personally, I love the FireAntField for Warmups as it is the only place in the city of Charlotte where I have actually been able to see stars.
  • Arriving early, I saw a PAX heading over to the tennis courts.  Thought he was getting some warmups in until I heard the classic sound of the port-a-john door slam shut…and then watched him double back a few minutes later.  Those easter hams can rip right through you. Luckily for him, it was too dark to see who precisely it was–maybe Santa Maria
  • For future references, “Air Squats” are just regularly squats, unless you are Swiper where your AirSquats have a nitrous-burst to push you back up.  We miss you Swiper at DMZ–hope the Walmarts in Winston-Salem have increased their TP supply while you are up there!
  • Snoop texted from the UrgentCare that the wait time is only 3 hours and 12 minutes after getting run over by Skywalker and slamming his forehead into the pavement.  See folks that is why we need to read the disclaimer…no jury will convict me.
  • Um…what else? SantaMaria (not sure which spelling generates his auto filter to spam him this back blast)
  • Ever since being crammed in the van with FilmFestival, I had been wondering where his accent originated from.  I just couldn’t quite place it until this morning when he shared that he’s french!
  • Best line afterwards: “Are you really a pastor in town?  I thought they were just mocking you the whole time.”  Aye…not mutually exclusive…both are true.
  • Greyshirt between SilentBob & Snowflake, I missed your handle…Some reason I heard DannyTanner of FullHouse fame, but was more distracted by SilentBOB’s beard; give shoutout below.  CheeseTurdCurd can tell you I sorta makeup my own names for folks.


F3Golf tees off at some point and will cost $90/PAX, $360 for team of 4 (Sorta like the NCStateFair ticket sales discount: 4 tickets for a $1, 80 tickets for $20)

Climbing Down #Old100

Having designed a Panther victory workout, I was forced to return to an old standby for our workout. The beautiful thing was that it forced us to keep count in our heads, thereby reducing the mumblechatter and bellyaching. So I took my frustration out on the PAX.

The Thang:

Mosey to the Carmel Fields
Warmup: 25xSSH, 20xSquats, 20xMuddyMerkins

Mosey to ChurchAtCLT campus
The Old100 (1 mini-lap after each set)
90–Mtn. Climbers
80–Walking Lunges
70–Windmill Planks


Mosey to the CaC courtyard
40–dry docks
30–Knee ups
20–Handrelease merkins


Halftime: (No Lap)
45–Mtn. Climbers
40–Walking Lunges
35–Plank Windmills
10–handrelease merkins

25xLBCs, 20xDollys, 20xRoselitas, 6inch

When I grabbed my shoes this AM, I discovered they were still soaking wet from the awesome Saturday Murph workout. So I had to go dig up my mud run shoes.

The last arrival redirected our initial launch out onto the fields of Carmel Park. From the mumble sounds like Hamlet found some residual puddles to do merkins in.

Rerunning this workout south of the border, the PAX of Area51 were more focused on the counting then the hecklers at Bandit.

I was impressed by the PAX who pushed themselves through this beatdown style of workout. The laps and high reps begin to add up, but everyone pushed hard.

In fact, I O2-deprived myself that I during COT when a guy introduced himself as “New Guy” I assumed that was his nickname and was about to close up shop. Thanks to Hops for the arbitrary 80s TV show recall when #NewGuy announced his name to be Blair (well we know who Hops had a crush on from FoL).

And don’t worry Skywalker, I won’t call you out for fartsacking this workout.

Run N Gun launches at Carmel Middle School. Paced 5k plus Tibata.

Drive-Thru Nativity & a Big Gulp

17 PAX continued my repurposing of church campuses, we hit Carmel Presbyterian.  Lots of good areas to play.  Not much on the creativity side of things, but this was a good old fashion high-heart-rate downpainment.  Keep them moving.

The Thang:

Mosey to CPC
Warmups x20:

  • SSH
  • Emperial Walkers
  • Merkins

Bear Crawl up the ramp to pain station

Painstation (20reps+1lap)

  • Dips
  • Durkins
  • Carolina Dry Docks
  • Merkins

NMLB Planks

  • Partner Resist Front/Lat Raises

11s: Box Jumps & Jump Lunges
Active Recovery: People’s Chair

Mosey to playground: 10 pullups, 20 merkins, 30 squats

Mary: LBCx20; Dolleyx21; RussianTwistx16

IndianNative AmericanOriginal Americans…Run-from-back-of-line Run home.


  • A bear crawl audible is always necessary when DREDD posts at my Qs
  • After the fourth lap, I overhead the whispered…”That’s why they call him agony.”
  • Missing the DMZ realtor–Skywalker–it took the PAX a while to figure out what neighborhood we were running home through: Town & Country.  And the lack of street lights, suggested its a bit more country than town.  Not to mention the F150 on blocks.
  • Our laps took us past the scenery set up for Carmel Presbyterian’s drive-thru nativity scene tonight and tomorrow at 6pm.  Get the full Christmas story without ever having to leave your car…BigGulp not included.
  • 958 on my HRM–still shy of the illusive 1k mark.