Raging against the machine

Balrog 2016

The SOB region’s first #CSAUP event arrived and left an indelible mark on the 33 PAX that stepped up to the challenge.  5 workouts at 5 different Ballantyne / Indian Land AO’s, with over 15 miles covered in 4 hours for those that ran the full course.  Here is how it unfolded.

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PAIN STATION 1: The Cave (parking deck just south of Wal Mart in Indian land)

Q: Pebbles

Pebbles:

YHC was honored to kick off what was the best event of 2016 to date.  A field of crusty eyed and stiff limbed PAX assembled at the mythical Indian Land AO “The Cave”.  The Cave (a four level parking deck) is a AO used during times of foul weather by the tribesman of Indian Land.  Not because we’re too prissy, but because we take our training seriously and don’t have time to mess around with puddles.

After a few quick words from Tuck welcoming all to the Balrog, YHC gave a quick introduction and led the PAX on their first few steps of a legendary adventure.

Warm up

Gentle lap around pond – Not too long, but long enough to hear some bitching about “too many miles”, whatever that means…..

The quick run ended at the bottom of the Cave and the PAX launched into 20 seal jacks and 10 merkins.

The Thang

Starting at the base of the parking deck, the PAX were instructed to run each level of the deck and complete the following exercises:

Lvl 1 – 5 burpees

Lvl 2- 10 merkins

Lvl 3 – 15 squats

Lvl 4 – 20 LBCs

After all the PAX reached the top, YHC had the group mosey back to Lvl 3 to complete the next evolution:

Run the ramp to Lvl 4 and complete 10 merkins

Run back down to Lvl 3 and complete 5 pull-ups on the steel joist.

Repeat for 3 rounds.

At this point the PAX were really complaining about the running.  So being the compassionate person that I am, I decided to launch into the final exercise (and challenge) at The Cave stop.

Beginning at Lvl 3 the PAX were instructed to reverse bear crawl up the ramp to Lvl 4.  If the PAX needed to rest or stop, they were disqualified and were required to lunge walk the remaining distance.

It was hard for me to see who was dropping out at what points.  All I could focus on was Mario on my right side putting in a really strong effort and hearing several PAX cheering him to victory; however, YHC was able to turn on the afterburners a pass Mario before reaching the top of the ramp.

After receiving a few congratulatory pounds and (some snide remarks about designing the competition around my strengths), the PAX headed out of The Cave for a for a memorable morning.

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Mosey 3.5 miles from The Cave to the Foxhole / Fat Camp AO (Elon Park Elementary School).

PAIN STATION 2: ELON PARK ELEMENTARY

Q’s: Loogie and Chanel

Loogie:

Circle up, find a bell that suits you.

20 Swings, OYO
10 Clean each arm, OYO
15 Goblet Squats, OYO
20 more Swings, OYO

Gear Relay, divide into two teams.  Continue swings while you wait for your turn.
10 Heavy-bell Deadlift
Hair burn to box jump
Box jump – 5 for taller box, 6 for shorter
Slam ball throw down to cone and back to box
Hair burn back to start

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Mosey 2.3 miles from Elon Park ES to the da Vinci AO (Blakeney Shopping Center)

PAIN STATION 3: Blakeney Shopping Center

Q’s: Paper Jam and Mic Check

Paper Jam:

Station 1 (main fountain area near playground):
Decline Merkins 3 x 15
Curls (using patio chairs) 3 x 15
Heels to Heaven 3 x 15
Station 2 (courtyard near sign that plays videos)
Regular Merkins 3 x 15
Flutter 3 x 15
Station 3 (far fountain with no water in it)
Dips (using the benches and around the fountain) 3 x 15

6-inch Challenge:

Circle up.  On your 6, with feet 6-inches in the air.  If your feet hit the ground or raise more than 6-inches, your out.  Once out, plank up.  Last man with feet in the air wins.  After at least five minutes, it came down to Mr. Bean, Pom Pom and Mic Check.  The final two, Pom Pom and Mic Check, battled it out for another minute or two before Pom Pom relented and gave Mic Check the triumphant home court victory.

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Mosey 2.7 Miles from Blakeney to The Maul / Rebel Yell AO (Stonecrest Shopping Center)

PAIN STATION 4: Elmstone Park next to Stonecrest

Q’s: Strawberry, Heartbreaker, Wingman, Commish

Strawberry:

“Battle of the Five Armies”

As the 27 Brave souls traversed Northward towards the Crest of Stone and down the Eastern Face of the mighty MurderHorn; YHC set up the challenge and awaited the arrival of the Five Armies.  Visual confirmation of arrival; Que music (Swiss Mtn. music); ready hydration station; welcome Pax to The Maul and Rebel Yell’s calling card – The MurderHorn.

The Battle Plans:

Break into teams of 5 — match up by height: Hobbits; Dwarves; Elves; Men; Ogres.

– First two teams pick up a 12” 6X6 pole; staggering Pax diagonally down each side of pole.

– While other 3 teams wait:

Both teams race up the MurderHorn to the last light pole and back. (See below for

correction).

Half Pax grab 2 brick pavers; and take a place along the fence for People’s Chair/brick

raises.

Other half of Pax get on six for LBC.

– Single count cadence for both groups to 30. Switch pax between stations, and 30 more (single

cadence)

– When both teams arrive back; next two teams up on poles for race up the MurderHorn and

back. Remaining Pax split into People’s Chair/brick, and LBC station for 30 counts.

– Last team runs course by themselves. #selfmotivation.

Moleskin:

– Correction to the instructions given for the MurderHorn races. YHC had no idea how terrible a

trip up the MurderHorn carrying the poles would be. So all were thankful ‘The Brave’ chose

wisely and stopped at the stop sign.

– All armies fought Bravely and conquered the mighty MurderHorn from #TheMaul and

#RebelYell. On to the final battle and victory for the conquers of the Balrog 2016.

– Thanks to all for allowing me to challenge each. I hope it was enjoyed.

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Mosey 2.3 miles from Elmstone Park to the Bagpipe / Swift / The Brave / Stonecrest AO (Ballantyne Corporate Park)

PAIN STATION 5: Ballantyne Corporate Park

Q’s: Fire Hazard and Mario

Fire Hazard:

1 Q fail and 1 Q Triumph equal out, right?????

The tired and ragged Balrog crew streamed into the parking lot by Lochness to the refreshing taste of ice cold Gatorade. Q Triumph!!!!

After a bit of refreshment, we headed down to the fitness trial. There each team would complete 3 rounds of the following:

5 – Dips

5 – Pull-ups

10 – WWII sit-ups

10 – Jump Squats

Then the crew headed back to the car for a little more refreshment and the Sally up and Sally down challenge (Youtube it if you don’t know what it is). YHC had everything ready but the music wouldn’t start. Oh wait, there it goes. Everyone started and Q FAIL! then the music stopped. Son of a ……. Lots of ridiculing started as the Q fixed technical difficulties. Then the challenge was underway. Champagne was the big winner, with Pom Pom placing 2nd once again. After this is was all that you have left up to the top of the Ballantyne Village parking deck to the completion of the Balrog.

Mario:

Naked Moleskin:

It was rumored that YHC would end up taking over the Q at the final pain station, but it wasn’t until after da Vinci that the rumor came to fruition. Bringing up the 6 while pondering what would bring about the fewest moans and groans, the Murph came to mind. However, YHC decided to proceed with some alternative workouts. This is the point in which the second wind hit.  As the PAX stood in a “circle” around YHC, the thought of burpees was heavy on the mind. After further review of the faces of the strong men gathered around, the 15 miles had taken a toll, and we wouldn’t want to hear any excuses for the challenge!  The PAX drove hard through the 3 rounds, MT’s cadence count echoing throughout all of Charlotte, with none of his followers really knowing which rep they were on. Many jump squats faded into squats, and WWII sit-ups into almost naps… The PAX could smell the beer and burgers, and gathered around the puzz….no wait we’re waiting until we get to the…ok no let’s just do it now PUZZLE!! 15 miles to capture the 8 pavers, bearing the F3 logo.  As the PAX circled around, many insults were thrown towards Fire Hazard, who was unable to solve the impossible scenario of using his car radio. After he finally figured it out, the PAX assumed the plank position, and we were off…for about 15 seconds until Hazard’s car decided there would be no winners this day and screeched a fantastically annoying sound. As he struggled to solve the issue at hand, YHC stepped in to see what the deal was, to the surprise of a mighty fine looking yogi on the screen. But hey, what happens at the Balrog stays at the Balrog..right? Finally, the car was abandoned and we made it through the challenge, with Champagne having no issue whatsoever and claiming plank dominance. He dominated Sally? To each his own.  To end, no one wanted to race YHC to the top of the deck. Especially Pebbles.  This event was huge for the SOB’s, and definitely for YHC. I’m honored to have had the opportunity to be alongside you all, nonetheless to Q.  Please remember to keep our brother Man Down from Tradition (MECA) and his family in your thoughts and prayers, as he begins the battle with chronic lymphocytic leukemia. #ISI

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Tuck’s Moleskine:

It was a huge honor to help put this completely stupid and utterly pointless event together.  There were many hands that helped shape it into the awesome event that it was.  Thank you…

• Wingman, Mario and JRR Tolkien for helping to plan out the structure and other details.
• Wingman for designing our phenomenal t-shirts
• Pebbles, Loogie, Chanel, Paper Jam, Mic Check, Strawberry, Heartbreaker, Commish, Wingman, Fire Hazard and Mario for Q-ing the workouts and providing water at each workout (extra credit for Fire Hazard for bringing Gatorade)
• JRR Tolkien for making an effort to run despite logic
• Fire Hazard for biking the route (achilles) and taking pictures
• Madame Tussauds for the idea to pick up bricks at each workout and carry them to the end (in addition to the 6 shovel flags were hauling!) and assemble them like a puzzle, revealing the F3 logo
• Squid for the solemn prayer
• Kid Rock for finding my car key!
• All the PAX that came out to participate in this event, despite not having a good idea of what to expect. Thank you for your trust and enthusiasm.

Some of our favorite moments…

• The countless cars that supported us along the way by honking
• Cheddar swinging a baby bell at Foxhole
• Pom Pom silvering twice.  What a competitor.
• Madame Tussauds disappearing for a few minutes and then re-emerging, lets just say a few pounds lighter, and much happier
• The sight of Loogie jogging out to meet the PAX as they arrived from The Cave
• Pebbles commandeering Fire Hazard’s bike
• Paper Jam crushing his Q (his third ever Q, YHC believes)
• Mic Check defending his home turf and taking home the gold in the 6-inch challenge.  Dude was in the zone.
• Squid refusing to give up the flag and refusing to stop running.  Man or machine?
• Fire Hazard trying to get his phone to play Bring Sally Up.  Watching him crack the code was highly entertaining.
• The great turnout and fellowship at Duckworth’s.  That first beer was insanely good.  So were the rest.

If you’ve made it this far, now hear this.  Balrog 2017 will be bigger, badder, stupider and even more pointless.  See you there!

-TUCK

2016 Course Approximation