- QIC: wingman
- Pax: @tuna, base-camp, Limey, O'Tannenbaum, thunder_road
A Nant’an address on Anthropologie rocks, the worst dad joke ever
Date: 2025-12-29 AO: base-camp Q: hoover PAX: thunder_road, Tuna, O’Tannenbaum, Limey FNGs: None COUNT: 5 :us: My fellow pax, good afternoon. As your Nant’an I would like to take this moment to address a crisis in our midst. Look, folks—I inherited a mess. Festivus, which some people, everyone actually, is saying was the greatest CSAUP ever, gave the men of F3 inspiration to take a stand … any stand really, a Christmas tree stand made in the great U S of A as a starter. That stand would support a beautiful unadorned pole of aluminum, or maybe galvanized steel this Festivus season.
But instead we’ve turned to rocks, yes rocks from Anthropologie. Nobody knows rocks better than me. Believe me. I’ve seen a lot of rocks. Tremendous rocks. Strong rocks. Very stable rocks. And now? It’s incredible. We’re selling rocks. Made in the U S of A. For hundreds—sometimes thousands—of dollars. The economy is doing so well that we’re not even pretending anymore. Gone are the days of DEI scented candles, as my administration is moving us past comfortable furniture, beautiful art, and landing us exactly where capitalism always wanted to be: a rock.
Just a rock. No batteries. No Wi-Fi. Doesn’t even do anything. But the crisis in our midst is not the sale of useless rocks. It’s the poor, confused pax looking at this rock on Christmas morning. “That’s a rock.” he would say. Logical. Like clean coal. Strong thinking. Like bringing back West Virginia coal mining for the charcoal filtering that blends notes of Mt Dew, wintergreen Grizzly, and trailer-park levels of addiction into our Jim Beam bourbon. Very rational.
But suddenly his M, his 2.0s, his entire household turns and says, “No dad, no—that’s not a rock. It’s an Anthropologie rock.”
And that’s when poor confused dads know they’ve already lost. When placing a rock on a coffee table says, “We’re doing amazing, financially.” It’s a silent scream of success. A humble, extremely expensive flex.
And Anthropologie—very smart people, by the way they took the rock idea from me—what did they do? They leaned in. Fake ads. Fake online shopping sites. All accepting Hoover-coin for payment. Pretending the rock is sold out. Genius. Absolute genius. That’s marketing. That’s Making America Rock Again by taking a joke, (maybe) polishing it, and charging you $400 for it.
People say, “This is ridiculous.” I say, when our economy is thriving so much that irony itself has become a luxury good. We’re not buying things anymore—we’re buying the joke. And the dad? He’s wondering how a rock beat his retirement account.
So as the holiday season comes to a close, remember—if you’re upset about your family buying an overpriced rock, that means the economy is working perfectly. We’ve won. We’re rich. We’re now so tired of winning that we’re decorating with rocks.
God bless Anthropologie. God bless rocks. And God bless the dads—who still, very correctly, think this is the dumbest thing they’ve ever seen.
And now back to your regularly scheduled backblast … :us:
5 pax got in some upper body work today blended with moderate Monday levels of running. Definitely some Hops approved mileage levels. Writing this backblast and my shoulders are still sore, which will be great for my Q at SIBling Rivalry tomorrow.
WARMUP: Lap around the parking lot and some exercises, textbook stuff
THE THANG: Suicide Ladder across the parking lot – 2 rounds: line up at the benches, 5 dips, run to the first line on the parking lot, 10 squats, back to benches for 15 dips, other side of parking lot for 20 squats, 25 dips, back across parking lot for 20 squats, benches for 15 dips, back to 10 squats, and finally 5 dips. Mixed in some wall sits with air presses. – Move over to the ball fields for 7s on the sidewalk, diamond merkins and CDDs – Rock work at the top of the stairs: 3 rounds of curls, presses, triceps, mary – A quick jog across the parking lot to get Tuna some recon before his Q next week
MARY: she was spotted by Semi-gloss’s office, not surprised she ran off after that.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: – Tuna has the Q next week – New Years Day 15 year anniversary at AG Middle School, 0800
COT: Thunder Road with the take out
But instead we’ve turned to rocks, yes rocks from Anthropologie. Nobody knows rocks better than me. Believe me. I’ve seen a lot of rocks. Tremendous rocks. Strong rocks. Very stable rocks. And now? It’s incredible. We’re selling rocks. Made in the U S of A. For hundreds—sometimes thousands—of dollars. The economy is doing so well that we’re not even pretending anymore. Gone are the days of DEI scented candles, as my administration is moving us past comfortable furniture, beautiful art, and landing us exactly where capitalism always wanted to be: a rock.
Just a rock. No batteries. No Wi-Fi. Doesn’t even do anything. But the crisis in our midst is not the sale of useless rocks. It’s the poor, confused pax looking at this rock on Christmas morning. “That’s a rock.” he would say. Logical. Like clean coal. Strong thinking. Like bringing back West Virginia coal mining for the charcoal filtering that blends notes of Mt Dew, wintergreen Grizzly, and trailer-park levels of addiction into our Jim Beam bourbon. Very rational.
But suddenly his M, his 2.0s, his entire household turns and says, “No dad, no—that’s not a rock. It’s an Anthropologie rock.”
And that’s when poor confused dads know they’ve already lost. When placing a rock on a coffee table says, “We’re doing amazing, financially.” It’s a silent scream of success. A humble, extremely expensive flex.
And Anthropologie—very smart people, by the way they took the rock idea from me—what did they do? They leaned in. Fake ads. Fake online shopping sites. All accepting Hoover-coin for payment. Pretending the rock is sold out. Genius. Absolute genius. That’s marketing. That’s Making America Rock Again by taking a joke, (maybe) polishing it, and charging you $400 for it.
People say, “This is ridiculous.” I say, when our economy is thriving so much that irony itself has become a luxury good. We’re not buying things anymore—we’re buying the joke. And the dad? He’s wondering how a rock beat his retirement account.
So as the holiday season comes to a close, remember—if you’re upset about your family buying an overpriced rock, that means the economy is working perfectly. We’ve won. We’re rich. We’re now so tired of winning that we’re decorating with rocks.
God bless Anthropologie. God bless rocks. And God bless the dads—who still, very correctly, think this is the dumbest thing they’ve ever seen.
And now back to your regularly scheduled backblast … :us:
5 pax got in some upper body work today blended with moderate Monday levels of running. Definitely some Hops approved mileage levels. Writing this backblast and my shoulders are still sore, which will be great for my Q at SIBling Rivalry tomorrow.
WARMUP: Lap around the parking lot and some exercises, textbook stuff
THE THANG: Suicide Ladder across the parking lot – 2 rounds: line up at the benches, 5 dips, run to the first line on the parking lot, 10 squats, back to benches for 15 dips, other side of parking lot for 20 squats, 25 dips, back across parking lot for 20 squats, benches for 15 dips, back to 10 squats, and finally 5 dips. Mixed in some wall sits with air presses. – Move over to the ball fields for 7s on the sidewalk, diamond merkins and CDDs – Rock work at the top of the stairs: 3 rounds of curls, presses, triceps, mary – A quick jog across the parking lot to get Tuna some recon before his Q next week
MARY: she was spotted by Semi-gloss’s office, not surprised she ran off after that.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: – Tuna has the Q next week – New Years Day 15 year anniversary at AG Middle School, 0800
COT: Thunder Road with the take out
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