Horsey Pre-Preblast: The Eight Belles Ladder Match

  • When:08/28/2017
  • QIC: Ickey Shuffle
  • The PAX: Whoever wants to be the Man


Horsey Pre-Preblast: The Eight Belles Ladder Match

Alright everyone gather round, take a knee, and listen up.  Monday morning concludes the horribly named running workout in Sardis Hills for 2017, and that day we will crown the season champ.  Before I start to get into the particulars let me address the question that I am sure you are currently asking yourself.  Yes, a meathead who runs slower than a three legged turtle high on Quaaludes and codeine is leading a running workout.  I assure you there are reasons for this aberration.

First of all, it takes a meathead to make a running workout interesting.  Running workouts generally consist of something like “OK guys, run down this street for awhile, then turn onto another street and run down it for a bit, then come back here.  Repeat that a couple times, and go”.  Monday will be a different animal.  Speaking of animals, this particular workout (I try to use the official name as little as possible because it is just simply atrocious) is a big dumb animal.  Therefore, since this big dumb animal is due to be put down, another big dumb animal should be entrusted with taking it behind the woodshed and giving it both proverbial barrels.

Secondly, I have just enough malice in my heart toward this beast to mercilessly pull the trigger.  I will joyously snuff the life out of this thing  just like the grunge era joyously snuffed the life out of rock and roll.  Spare me the nonsense about Nirvana, Soundgarden, etc.  Rock and roll was big, loud, fun, and awesome when its spiritual home was on the Sunset Strip.  Once the epicenter moved to the dreary northwest it became whiny and un-fun.  This directly led to rock taking a backseat in the hierarchy of popular music to hip-hop dreck , bubblegum pop, and electronic gibberish and we’re going on two and a half decades of new music being generally awful.  Anyway, back to the matter at hand…Horsey is a far drive for a lot of us, even in the predawn hours, which makes it annoying.  It starts at 5:15, which is also irksome.  The neighborhood where it resides, is just a cornucopia of weird.  There is a flagpole wrapped in neon lights, and more than one house on the mean streets of Sardis Hills display their addresses in neon lights.  This is South Charlotte, and we have aesthetic standards down here.  Get with the program Sardis Hills, pride starts at the curb.  There is also a resident who wanders around the neighborhood talking to multiple dogs and telling them not to be scared of the hoards of invaders running around.  I am one hundred percent certain this lady has more conversations with animals than she does with humans.  Then there is Chester.  If a laboratory were to distill the weird/creepy elements of Phil Spector, the ShamWOW guy, Richard Simmons, and the guy from Sling Blade, you would basically be left with Chester.  He’s like when Major Blood created Serpantor, only with creepers.  It will be my pleasure to euthanize this creature.

So about Monday morning: as I said earlier, we will be crowning the 2017 champion.  The exact rules will be laid out in a pre-blast sometime on Sunday.  Yes, I am pre-blasting a pre-blast.  Some things deserve the hype, and writing provides me a creative outlet to keep me sane since I am about to go sit through a ninety minute meeting on a Friday afternoon with some Big Four blowhards.  Take the weekend to mentally prepare yourself to gird up your loins and take the field of battle.  This is winner take all and as the Clan McLeod taught us, there can be only one.  It’s all fine and good to have trained with somebody else all summer long, but remember, Shawn Michaels never won the big belt until he threw Marty Jannety through the window of Brutus the Barber Beefcake’s studio.  Monday’s effort will require not only running prowess, but the capacity for strategic thought and cunning.  The title of this rambling is a clue to the format, and I will give you another clue right now.  I will be playing the role of the Pace Car, a.k.a. the lumbering ox.  Once free of the Pace Car, your job will be to hunt the lumbering ox.  More to come on Sunday.

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10 Comments so far

Chelms aka TatertotPosted on5:29 pm - Aug 25, 2017

You win award for the best pre pre-blast of the year (also get last place since you were the only entrant). I like what your doing – will you be site Q for Horsey FY18? Starts in early June and your only job is to line up 13 Q’s and show up for most of them (or do what Prohibition did and don’t do shit).

JRR TolkienPosted on5:32 pm - Aug 25, 2017

I remember Shawn Michaels throwing him in BBB’s studio. Wow. It was right after Jimmy Superfly Snuka jumped from the top ropes onto Ricky the Dragon Steamboat, but before Kamala the Ugandan Giant beat Tugboat in a pasta eating contest, and before a 20min entrance by The Godfather and his extended HO-Train.

Chelms aka TatertotPosted on7:36 pm - Aug 25, 2017

Will guy in 2nd place get both ankles smashed and have two compound fractures? Will you put him down? Holy crap – this could get real

JetFuelPosted on1:02 am - Aug 26, 2017

Although I have no dog in this Horsey fight, I would be remiss if I did not issue the following ruminations regarding Ickey Shuffle’s glorious Pre-Blast.

1. How is it possible to cite so many legends of professional wrestling, yet omit the following? The Nature Boy Ric Flair, The Midnight Express, The Rock n’ Roll Express, The Minnesota Wrecking Crew… mystifying and sad.

2. Thank the Good Lord above that Nirvana and Pearl Jam sent those 80’s hair bands to the scrap heap of music history. Poison, Cinderella, and Ratt could not collectively sniff Cobain’s jock strap. Listen to “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”, wipe the blood from your ears, then cleanse yourself with Pearl Jam’s “Animal” and tell me which era kicked more ass.

Although we may differ on musical genres and the greatest professional wrestling league, we can agree on one these incontrovertible facts:
a) Bama takes the field in just over 7 days.
b) Bama has 16 National Titles in college football, by far the most of any institution.
c) Bear Bryant walked on water (while drinking Jack Daniels)

RTR

    Ickey ShufflePosted on1:43 am - Aug 26, 2017

    1. The area of the country I grew up in was WWF centric, we didn’t get that much NWA programming.
    2. Erroneous. While often derided for the visual aesthetic, the hard rock and heavy metal of the 1980s and early 1990s was both melodically and harmonically superior and the era featured many legitimate virtuosos on their instruments. Additionally, what sounds like a more fun time: riding motorcycles with Motley Crue to the Pink Pony, getting in fights, and losing days at a time to whiskey and Peruvian marching powder, or sitting in a basement listening to some flannel clad loner droning on about how melancholy life is?
    3. Roll Tide

    Chelms aka TatertotPosted on4:04 pm - Aug 26, 2017

    d. Bama lost there last game to an ACC team / the decline of Rome is at hand

      Ickey ShufflePosted on6:53 pm - Aug 26, 2017

      *their
      Alabama played 95 snaps on defense in the 15th game of the season and there was not a single offensive penalty called. The running back who scored two touchdowns in the first half broke his leg early in the third quarter. Alabama still came within 1 second of being the first team in college football history to win 15 games in a season. The decade of dominance continues in 7 days.

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