Date: 2026-03-02 AO: Swole Q: hoover , PAX: ickey_shuffle, hoover, Pepsi, Unplugged, Uncle Leo, flipper, wildturkey, The Worm, Blanks FNGs: None COUNT: 9 Have you ever settled into the quiet, reverent stillness of a well-lit church parking lot at 0515? The air is cool. The asphalt still holds the memory of yesterday’s sun, but the morning hasn’t yet decided what it wants to be. Two devoted broga practitioners unroll their mats beneath the glow of Calvary’s exterior lights, easing into downward dog with the grace of monks who’ve chosen a blend of polyester and cotton over sackcloth. Breathing slows. Shoulders open. Chakras align more or less in the general direction of fung shway (spelling negotiable). The world is at peace.
A light breeze moves through the trees. Somewhere in the distance, a delivery truck sighs. Brogas transition thoughtfully into pigeon pose, preparing mind, body, and questionable hamstrings for another chapter in the maximized aquatic mammal saga otherwise known as our current kettlebell program.
And then… a vibration. Faint at first. A low tremor rolling across the sacred pavement. Is it thunder? An approaching storm? The rumble of distant societal unrest? No. It’s bass.
Softly at first, just enough to tickle the edge of awareness. A disturbance in the force. The peaceful nirvana of pre-dawn mobility begins to quiver as the volume rises, crawling steadily across the parking lot like an invading army of distorted guitars. Then these lyrics break through the morning air:
“God, what have you done? You’re a pink pony girl… And you dance at the club…”
Not the power pop anthem headlined with the gentle dulcet tones of a young woman who’s clawed her way to the top of the Billboard charts. No, the billboard hit that millions if not billions cherished has been torn asunder and trampled underneath sonic savagery. Enlightenment is replaced with GWAR covering Chappell Roan. Maximum carnage.
What began as a tranquil yoga commune beneath the glow of parking lot LEDs transforms into a sonic uprising. This protestor’s revolution was not heralded by banners or bullhorns. It was delivered through Mazda factory stock speakers and an unapologetic metal cover of “Pink Pony Club.” 0530 had not yet arrived, but a yeti pulling into the parking lot, windows down, and with the volume all the way up ensured that peace had already surrendered.
WARMUP: After blasting GWAR in a church parking lot at 0515, the logical next step wasn’t easing in. It was 100 swings in the warmup. Twenty at a time, over and over, until forearms were lit up like the 24-hour news cycle. A solid beating to establish that this uprising would not be symbolic. No soft launch. No gradual build. Because if the weekend’s geopolitical “turning points” taught us anything, it’s that bold openings require sustained intensity. Sustained intensity = One hundred swings in the warmup.
THE THANG: Today’s theme was Protest. Inspired by yet another weekend of “historic” developments in the Middle East. You know, the kind that gets treated like a season finale but somehow ends exactly the same way every other season has ended for the last 70 years. Different press conference. New Mission Accomplished banner. Same unresolved mess. Untold wealth exchanged somewhere in rooms we’ll never see, for results we’ll never feel. We’re not Fortunate Sons but our playlist is kick ass. So we got that going for us, which is nice.
But alas the workout. Simple, EMOM this b****. There’s some instructions where the Q finds the date and leads the exercises in the block. But see above about protests and revolution, the man was going to chafe after our upstart movement had better ideas. Did we follow the assigned block? Sort of. We’re protestors on the verge of a full blown revolution under constant surveillance by the CMPD and Calvary Church security guards. Following the assigned block to the letter is exactly what they expect you to do, man.
Block A: The Uprising, 3-Minute EMOM Cycle x6 times – Minute 1: Goblet Squats x12 – Deep, controlled, disciplined. Unlike Congress. – Minute 2: Cleans x7 (alternate arms each minute) – Because balance matters. Unlike the geopolitical strategy of “f*** it, let’s see what happens.” – Minute 3: Reverse Lunges x7 (alternate sides each minute) – Forward progress achieved by stepping backwards. Perfect metaphor for global diplomacy.
After 18 minutes where no one complained about the music or the workout move onto Block B.
Block B: Regime Change, 3-Minute EMOM Cycle x6 times – Minute 1: Upright Rows x12 – Pulling weight straight up with confidence. Something Captain Bone Spurs only does with draft deferments. – Minute 2: RDLs x7 (alternate legs each minute) – Single-leg stability. Easier to stand on one leg while balancing cold iron than land a bipartisan agreement to release the files of a dead pedophile while protecting the victims, and by victims I don’t mean billionaires invited to some island. – Minute 3: Snatches x7 (alternate sides each minute) – Explosive. Decisive. Fast. The opposite of Chuck Schumer’s attempts at meaningful resistance.
Somewhere between the squat sets and the Romanian-Snatch-Lifts, the realization hit us: protests and revolutions are exhausting. Not because of the work — but because history keeps rerunning the same script. Kind of like this workout. Your right side catches the beatdown, your left side clutches its pearls knowing it’s next. Your left side is water-boarded with sweat while your right side prays that rest and recovery are just around the corner. And then in the next 60 seconds we’re right back where we started in the parking lot, doing it again.
The revolution is not televised, but it is 45 minutes of hard work at 0530. It’s taking Pink Pony Club out to the parking lot to teach it a lesson. That’s what a revolution does.
Dark Helmet was quoted in the latest F3 state of the union that, “The success of our movement is going to depend much less on what’s happening in the White House, and much more on what’s happening in YOUR house.” So choose not to be upset or to celebrate the decisions of a mercurial administration, choose to better yourself every morning. Get out of the fartsack, silence the warm comfort of being a sad clown, and maybe disrupt a parking lot broga session on the way. It’s simple. Simple like kettlebell swings, squats, cleans, lunges, rows, RDLs and snatches.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: The PROD this Friday, Brew Ruck this Saturday, Q school on 3/28, WTF on 4/18, and stay tuned for the Pepsi challenge
COT: Unplugged took us out