The final box score reads 14, including 1 FNG. The presumptive Q was MIA with at T minus 1, so the assumptive Q, hoping for some stair and ramp work at the deck anyway, grabbed the conch before anyone could protest.
Mosey next door for a quick Conspicuous Warm Up, thus signalling tardy pax to join us (we are not always so congenial):
- We picked up one: Jamboree, who would later blame city planners and traffic engineers for his failure to leave his house on time;
- We expected another: #wombfish, presumed tangled in the tuna nets on Johnston, but who later tweeted that his tummy hurt upon awakening;
- We unbeknownstingly (#makingupwords) missed a third: the appropriately-named Glitch, who, after missing the Conspicuous Warm Up, drove around a bit then took a nap–in the upright and locked position–in the parking lot until we returned for COT. This, mind you, while his EH’d FNG was out there sucking gloom through every orifice that could possibly suck gloom.
We did some flapping about to warm the muscles and lube the joints, then proceeded to Loch Ness for 11s, consisting of wall jumps and derkins. Then we moseyed a quarter lap for more 11s, this time with wall jumps and dips. Some little baby jogs, a hill sprint, and a half-bridge lunge walk later, we arrived at the deck that is PROHIBIDO during the week but is ALLOWEDO on Saturday.
From here, we did stair work.
- We alternated flights of Bunny hops (not the two pax, Bunny and Hops; the exercise of Beclownment that is equally tough on heart rate, the Achilles and the ego) and triple step ascending lunges (just walk up the flight, using every third step). Planks and such up top and rumble down to the bottom for Round 2.
- More Bunny hops, but stronger bunny: skip a step. Alternating flights: the quad-step ascending lunge (skip 3 steps). This proved to a challenge for the tight-groined and short-stemmed pax. Assorted planks, then back to the bottom for another crack at it.
- Again with the Double Bunnies. Alternating flights: backwards, skipping a step. This most closely resembled old people cautiously backing away from rabid animals or computers. Once at the top, from your six, hold six inches. The pax were encouraged to demonstrate proper form: flexed quads, locked knees, cankles together, core tight, and –this is key–feet in dorsiflexion.
Mosey back grade level for ramp work:
- The pax were instructed to perform 10 perfect squat jumps. With butt down and chest up, touch the sides of your shoes, then, to discourage Little Baby Jumping, jump to touch the pipe overhead. Sprint to top of ramp and circle up for Pax-Choice Heavy Breathing Mary. First up, LBCs x 30. Mosey over to bottom of next ramp.
- Backwards stop-motion lunge walk to gum up the legs, then backwards sprint up the ramp. More Pax-Choice Heavy Breathing Mary. Heels to heaven x25 on the broom-finished concrete, leading to a bruised, chafed and grated sacrum. Regretful pax or M’s are hereby informed that two vigorous sets of Fireman Ed’s Parking Deck Heels to Heaven will buff that #TrampStamp right out. Which reminds me of a LOL! tweet from this week: “There’s a big difference between a bad-arse tattoo and a bad arse tattoo.” Aye.
- With our sixes freshly buffed, we moseyed to the next ramp. Walking merkins from wall to bottom of ramp and carioca to the top. Note we did carioca, not karaoke–there was no singing. It’s a common mistake and possibly too ingrained to change but it’s a fascinating back story. The residents of Rio are called Carioca. National dance of Brazil? The samba. The short of it is that that we’ve effectively been doing a sideways samba in the gloom all these years. Check the video and decide for yourself: What you think you look like: http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/carioca-quick-step What you really look like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbB2TNhhDpQ
- Quick aside: I also discovered a dessert called karioka, or deep-fried coconut rice balls. Also known as Filipino Chewy Balls. Mr. Schwetty may have met his match.
- Back to the workout….I think we did some flutters here, but memory fails. Then ever upward to the next ramp where we did the walking merkins and carioca-ed (past tense?) but facing the other way. More Mary of some sort. Then down the stairs, pointing towards home.
Moseys and Sprints two light poles at a time back to the 4-lane, then run it back to the house. Had a nice conversation with Grass Stain (really? who is naming these people?), a flat-bellied, semi-aerobic #HateHate training for the Spartan Beast at his brother’s urging. Keep chasing 40 year olds around the next six weeks and we’ll get you most of the way there.
Turns out we still had about 4 minutes for some one-legged and other-legged flutter and dolly. Harder than it sounds, especially when appropriately dorsiflexed. Small controlled movements are the key.
Number-Rama and Name-O-Rama, then name our FNG. He’s in medical imaging, from Hershey, PA, and got abandoned by his headlocker. Plenty of source material but it went down the X-Ray trail and settled on Backscatter (which means, “one who backscats”). It’s here that our FNG pointed out Glitch in the car and I say to myself: “You know what would be comical? If 14 grown men encircle the car, hold hands and pray together. But–and here’ the funny part–the headlocker stays in the car, looking straight ahead but pretends not to see us.” Turns out it wasn’t as much funny as it was uncomfortable. We all kind of slouched away, trying to avoid eye contact with one another, the pax no doubt thinking this is what it would be like if Michael Scott led a workout.
He who has ears let him hear.