Author Archive Ickey Shuffle

The Eagle Flies at Dawn

The latest iteration of Meathead continued the double bell strength program and ten PAX girded up their loins to tackle a midweek meltdown centered around the clean and press.  It was actually eight PAX at 5:30 with Frehley’s Comet and Focker rolling in (separately) during warmups.  As an aside (I tend to go off on tangents) YHC recently learned that to gird up one’s loins means for a warrior to gather up and fasten a loincloth so it does not impede his movement on the field of battle.  Previously, the only context I had for this phrase was Eddie Harris’ pre-game prayer in the movie “Major League”.  Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum.  Is very bad.  As an aside to this aside, have we named somebody Jobu yet?  We should name somebody Jobu.

Warmup: SSH, IW, Sharon Towers

Double Clean & Press Program: 10 rounds of a single rep going heavy on the weight.  Only having single weight bells, YHC paired up with Voodoo and his set of gray, rattletrap bells which he refers to as “62’s”.  I am assuming that 62 referred the pounds that we use in these United States and not the kilograms used by all but three countries on Earth (shoutout to Myanmar and Liberia) since 62 kilograms would equate to about 137 pounds.  Myanmar is currently in the throes of a military coup, which is always exciting, and also used to be (or maybe still is) called Burma.  I’m going to assume that Burma is the home of the Burmese python, which as I learned from living in Florida for a few years, is overrunning the Everglades since people bought them as pets without realizing how big they grow and then release them into the wild.  Because, Florida.

The Eagle: When deciding on the middle part of the workout, I saw something called the Eagle on the second tab of High Tide’s spreadsheet of kettlebell knowledge which is akin to the Necronomicon from “Army of Darkness” as they both bring pain and suffering.  It consists of 8 rounds of 8 double front squats followed by a 20 meter farmer’s carry.  We estimated the 20 meters with 8 parking space lines.  This was about as much fun as a military coup in Myanmar.

5x5x5: The third phase was 5 rounds of 5 reps of deadlifts, swings, rows, sumo high pulls, and merkins.  Finish up with outsourced Mary and we’re one workout closer to the weekend, which is sometimes referred to as “when the eagle flies on Friday”.

The playlist was a bit uninspired as the 2.1 had a late basketball game last night, and after getting the children put to bed the M wanted to catch up on “This is Us”.  It’s a decent show, but I am always a bit unsettled during the parts where they make the lovely Mandy Moore appear old and struggling with dementia.  In YHC’s opinion, MM should always be shown as young and vibrant as she was when she burst into our consciousness in the music video for “Candy”.  Today’s selection was the soundtrack from Rocky IV, mostly because it has been lodged in my head for awhile since I stopped for coffee one afternoon and realized the place was playing the entire album.  Needless to say, that particular Dunkin Donuts has earned my business.  We mixed in some one offs from other movies like “Over the Top”, “Top Gun”, “The Karate Kid”, and “Caddyshack” but there wasn’t an overall theme.  I’ll do better next time.  Maybe my next Q will be a Mandy Moore/Motorhead mashup.

Sonic Surprises and Senior Day at Swole

We are approximately one month into the new strength and conditioning program at Swole, Meathead, and Olympus and today the featured exercise was the kettlebell swing.  Six PAX began their week on the good foot and gathered in the drizzly, murky parking lot of a nondescript office building in suburbia.  With the Q still in a celebratory mood following the Alabama Crimson Tide’s 18th national championship a fair to middling disclaimer was given and we got down to business.

Warmup: 18 SSH, 18 Imperial Walker, 18 Mountain Climbers then onto the heavy swing portion of the workout

Senior Day Celebration:

Ten rounds of six heavy swings every minute on the minute

Next up was a 15 minute AMRAP complex designed to build muscle and highlight the careers of Devonta Smith (#6, Your Heisman Trophy winner and AP Player of the Year), Mac Jones (#10, America’s Quarterback and your Unitas Award winner), and Najee Harris (#22, Your Doak Walker Award winner).

6 Squats and 6 Deadlifts, 10 presses each arm and 10 rows each arm, 22 LBC and 22 Freddie Mercury.  #RTR  #MTAQ

After that the PAX were undoubtedly feeling like Ohio State’s defense trying and failing to keep up with the most prolific offense in the long and storied history of collegiate tackle football.  It’s probably tough to get into playoff shape playing only half of a season however, and battles with such titans as Indiana and Northwestern probably leave little in the proverbial tank.  #SarcasmFont

At this point Sasquatch decided that discretion was the better part of valor and disappeared into the darkness, much like Notre Dame in a New Year’s Day bowl game.  Legend has it that on a quiet night you can still hear the Alabama running backs stampeding untouched through the Irish defense.  We then did three rounds of a strength building complex consisting of 6 one armed chest presses on each side, 10 skull crushers, and 22 flutters.  Fatigue was setting in, but it was time for heavy carries so we pressed on, as champions do.

Finish with three rounds of waiter/rack/suitcase carries, then three minutes of heavy swings, and the hardest part of the week is over.

On the musical front, YHC decided to throw the PAX a curveball.  Instead of the standard fare of hair metal of classic rock, the playlist was straight outta the mean streets of West Chester, Ohio.  If you grew up with the channel called Video Jukebox you were reunited with some old hip hop friends, and if weren’t so lucky, you probably were left with some mixed thoughts about those people who represent the 513.  Either the hip hop genre peaked circa 1993, or YHC has no use for anything in the category after then (except for Nelly of course).  Playlist included Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend”, Sir Mix A Lot’s “My Hooptie”, Rob Base and EZ Rock’s “It Takes Two”, Young and Restless’ “B Girls”, Paperboy’s “Ditty”, Positive K’s “I Gotta Man”, Candyman’s “Knockin’ Boots”, Run DMC’s “It’s Tricky”, Young MC’s “Bust a Move”, and Skee-Low’s “I Wish”.  Voodoo really enjoyed “My Hooptie” for the record.  Unfortunately we didn’t get to Naughty by Nature or Nate Dogg and Warren G, lest things get too turnt as the kids say.  Regarding the Video Jukebox channel, this was a service where you would call a 900 number, pay a small fee, enter in the code for a song and then watch the corresponding music video play.  The smoother middle school boys would talk to a girl in between classes and make sure that the object of their affection would be watching that afternoon and then dial up a romantic slow jam such as Surface’s “The First Time” or Stevie B’s “Because I Love You”.  The Video Jukebox channel was the ultimate wingman.  There was also nothing better for getting hype in 1990 (as the kids say) as when you’d be watching The ‘Box and a call would come in and you’d see the digits 671 appear at the bottom of the screen because that meant momentarily you would be going to the extreme to rock a mic like a vandal and rollin’ in a 5 point 0 with your ragtop down so your hair could blow.  Simpler times.  Word to your mutha.

Tis The Season For #Gainz

Failing to realize that today is a bank holiday, YHC agreed to Q Meathead earlier this week and the dream of sleeping in was dashed.  The one upside to this prolonged house arrest period however, has been the discovery of the post F3 nap.  Knowing that the blissful 6:45-7:30 am slumber awaited, five Pax tackled a strength and conditioning workout in the friendly confines of Calvary’s hotbox, since the Q had less than zero interest in standing around swinging kettlebells in the rain.  Today’s playlist had the potential to be controversial for an 11/11/20 workout, but seemed to be well received.  I decided to go with Christmas music this morning even though normally I am in the not before Thanksgiving camp.  With all that has happened this year, the opportunity to spread joy and good cheer needed to be seized.   Also, my Spotify Christmas playlist had already been created years ago and required no additional effort.

Warmup: Not a fan of them

Round 1: Alternating Swings & Merkins from 10 reps down to 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 then 25 LBC to catch our breath

Round 2: Alternating Swings & Squats from 10 down to 1 then 25 LBC

Round 3: Alternating Swings & Wide Arm Merkins from 10 to 1 then 25 LBC

Round 4: Alternating Swings & Deadlifts from 10 to 1 then 25 LBC

Round 5: Alternating Swings & Diamond Merkins from 10 to 1

That got us to 275 swings.  Or 265.  Or 250.  Or 270 depending on who you asked.  After Ernst & Young verified the results we did the remaining 25 swings to get to 300.  Next up was three rounds of split squats and dips and we were joined briefly by the Anvil Pax led by Ductwork and his eight tiny reindeer.  One minute of elbow plank and we were finished and now we can move on to naptime.

Now for the part you people actually care about…the Christmas playlist clocks in at 3 hours and 35 minutes and is chock full of auditory presents.  The elves of random shuffle gave us The Royal Guardsman’s “Snoopy’s Christmas”, The Jackson Five’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, The Angelic Whitney Houston’s “Do You Hear What I Hear”, Robert Earl Keene’s “Merry Christmas from the Family”, Bryan Adams’ “Christmas Time”, Billy Squier’s “Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You”, The Ramones’ “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”, Alan Jackson’s “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas”, Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” and of course Mariah.  This is the time of year where Mariah awakens from her yearly slumber ready to dominate the next month and a half.  Some of the gems we didn’t get to include “Mamcita Donde Esta Santa Claus”, “Dominick the Donkey”, “Christmas in Hollis”, “Mele Kalikimaka”, and Weezer’s version of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”.  The weather may be warm and muggy, the trees may still have most of their leaves, and the Big 10 may not have had their front-runners drop games to lesser teams in embarrassing fashion, but this morning we officially rang in the Holiday season.  It’s been a pretty messed up year, so in YHC’s opinion we should go nuts for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s.  If something is worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.  Buy too many presents for your family, cook a second turkey, break out the good wine, play Christmas music, put up more lights than are tasteful and necessary.  Let’s make the next seven and a half weeks memorable.

 

Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Swole

Eight pax gathered to start the week off on the right note, by swinging iron and celebrating the music of America’s greatest rock and roll band, Van Halen.  This was YHC’s first Q since Eddie Van Halen passed away earlier this month, so I wanted to pay tribute to the band that has provided the soundtrack to many of life’s best moments.  The playlist consisted of YHC’s favorite song from each of the band’s studio albums.  Live albums, best of albums, and one offs from movie soundtracks were omitted.

The warmup was basically ceremonial and lackadaisical due to the Q’s general indifference to warming up.  We jumped in to the main event consisting of sets of 20, 15, 10, and 5 swings paired with merkins, then deadlifts, then curls, then triceps extensions, then weighted crunches.  Some various core exercises were interspersed to break up the rounds.  Following five rounds, we had completed the requisite 250 swings, but since you can find an extra gear and do anything while listening to Van Halen, we did an extra 50 swings.  I hope Eddie would’ve liked that.  Next was three rounds of goblet squats and clean and presses.  Some weighted carries and bonus swings were enough to get us to 6:15 without having to do the dreaded elbow plank and hollow body hold.

If it seems like YHC rushed through the portion of the backblast about the workout, then that is correct.  I really just want to write about Van Halen, my favorite band and one who’s music has brought me massive amounts of joy throughout my life.  I remember the first time I heard a Van Halen song like it was yesterday, even though it was in 1984 and I was about six years old.  It was a Sunday morning and I was watching a music video weekly countdown show on broadcast TV (we didn’t yet have cable).  The video for Jump came on and it was like nothing I had ever heard.  From that moment on I was hooked and would devour everything the band ever recorded.  In junior high and high school my pregame hype music was Van Halen.  When I got my driver’s license the first CDs I played in the car were Van Halen.  You can hit 90 mph in a Toyota Tercel when Panama comes through the speakers.  The morning of my wedding I played Van Halen II a couple times through.  I think we all have that band or singer that resonates with us for some reason and sets off a tuning fork in our souls.  It’s incredibly sad that Eddie is gone, but any opportunity to celebrate the music left behind makes for a good day.  Rest in peace Eddie, and thanks for everything.

Playlist:

Runnin’ with the Devil (Van Halen I)

Dance the Night Away (Van Halen II)

Take Your Whiskey Home (Women and Children First)

Hear About It Later (Fair Warning)

Where Have All the Good Times Gone (Diver Down)

Panama (1984)

Summer Nights (5150)

When It’s Love (OU812)

Poundcake (For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge)

Can’t Stop Lovin’ You (Balance)

Without You (Van Halen III)

Tattoo (A Different Kind of Truth)

Swing Sammiches

What you are about to read is called a Backblast.  It is something that used to be written and posted to the world wide web that would summarize a workout, possibly make the reader laugh, and sometimes impart nuggets of wisdom.  Currently, backblasts are as rare as finding flour, toilet paper, and ground beef on a single Harris Teeter run.  Unless they come out somewhere called “Waxhaw”, which I’m not even sure is a real place that exists.  “Waxhaw” sounds like a karate instructor from Mississippi trying to teach a pupil to block punches by rubbing turtle wax in a circular motion on  and off a fleet of classic cars.

Back to the matter at hand.  Nine of us gathered this morning to pursue strength and knowledge while not running a single step.  The current program’s core element is 250 swings per workout supplemented with other kettlebell and bodyweight exercises, and now that we’ve been at it several weeks, the pressure to come up with new combinations was weighing on me.  Also weighing on me was the pressure to come up with a playlist that would motivate, entertain, spark conversation, and elicit appreciation for the artists.  My last playlist was curated around my first love, Sunset Strip Hard Rock and Heavy Metal, and was pure auditory bliss.  Not everyone has the proper reverence for this era however (I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed), so I went in a different direction for today.  Play button pressed, we jumped right in to the first of five rounds of the swing sandwich, which is 20 swings (the bread), 20 weighted crunches (the cheese), 10 clean & press (the meat), and 20 swings (the other bread).  In between rounds we mixed in merkins, chest presses, flutters, and deadlifts.  With 200 of the 250 swings now complete, we topped it off with a final set of 50 swings so we could move onto some personal favorite exercises.  Next we did three rounds of overhead squats and three rounds of the Sots Press, which is a wonderful exercise that is as awkward to perform as it is difficult.  I noticed a lot of “modify as necessary” on this part.  I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.  A handful of core exercises capped off the morning as dawn was breaking and the geese were defecating.  A threatened/promised fly by monkey humping from Spackler and the Anvil crew never happened, so they must’ve been having too good a time over on Five Knolls.

Today’s playlist focused on alternative rock hidden gems from the mid-nineties and seemed to be well received, I even had some requests to share it so I’m calling it a win.  We didn’t get to the selections from Letters to Cleo, Buckcherry, and Goldfinger though, so I enjoyed those on the drive home.  The next playlist may involve professional wrestling entrance themes, but the idea is still percolating.  Only a handful of announcements including the upcoming blood drive being spearheaded by Mighty Mite and Beetlejuice.  At least I think that’s what Mighty Mite was saying, it’s hard to make him out from 45 feet away.  There’s a happy hour tomorrow at the cougar bar in Ballantyne, I can’t remember the name, but you know the one.  There’s an Iron Pax challenge going on, and undoubtedly every rep of every exercise will be done with perfect, Chelms-esque form. In closing, let’s recommit to writing quality backblasts (insert jokes about starting that right after this particular backblast) so we can read about places other than Waxhaw, or Narnia or whatever it’s called.

Thank You For Being A Friend (#BlameVoodoo)

We find ourselves midway through the eighth week of the twelve week strength program, and today’s workout was particularly awful.  The program currently has us in the throes of snatches, several rounds with little rest in between.  Six of us bid adieu to our Anvil friends and got to work as they disappeared into the South Charlotte fog.  This morning’s workout consisted of:

5 rounds of press ladders (1, 2, then 3 reps per arm)

5 rounds of puke inducing snatches (10 reps per side) with a scant 15 seconds of rest in between (#Absurd)

4 rounds of 90 second farmer’s walks (Old McDonald can kiss YHC’s posterior)

60 second plank hold, 60 second hollow body hold, 90 second glute bridge hold

Swings until our Anvil friends return

 

Now for the part of the backblast that people will actually read.  Fair warning however, there will be some tangents as there are several subjects I have thoughts about.  First of all, while I love kettlebell workouts, why on Earth are we doing a program designed by the Russians?  Did we lose a war?  It feels especially wrong this week as we celebrate the 40th anniversary of the Miracle on Ice, when a group of scrappy American college kids defeated the Soviet Union team who for all intents and purposes were professional players who had not been defeated in twenty years in Olympic ice hockey.  As an aside (you were warned) Kurt Russell was absolutely snubbed for Best Actor for his portrayal of Team USA coach Herb Brooks.  I can’t be bothered to research who actually won the award that year, but I’m just going to assume that it was some artsy highbrow schlock that nobody actually likes.  Probably foreign too.  If you can watch the pregame scene where Coach Brooks tells the team that they will not only skate with the Russians on that particular night, but they would do the unthinkable and beat them, and not want to run through a brick wall, then I suggest researching real estate in Toronto because you don’t have a patriotic bone in your body.  Anyway, back to the Russian designed workout thing, again I’m not going to actually do any research, but I hope the person who designed this program defected from the USSR, because it feels like an insult to the great Americans who helped topple the Soviet communist regime such as President Reagan, Hulk Hogan, and Rocky Balboa.

The #BlameVoodoo portion of this backblast’s title stems from the fact that our New Orleanian friend was not among us this morning because of his travels home for Mardi Gras, then to Las Vegas.  While the rest of us did rounds of snatches.  With 15 seconds of rest in between.

The other portion of the title is inspired by Unplugged’s wardrobe choice this morning.  About midway through the workout, Unplugged peeled his outer layer to reveal a Golden Girls t-shirt.  Not just a shirt with text that read “Golden Girls”, but a picture of Blanch, Dorothy, whatever Betty White’s character was named, and whatever Estelle Getty’s character’s name was.  To take my mind of the multiple rounds of high rep snatches with little rest in between (which Voodoo missed because he was gallivanting among New Orleans and Las Vegas) I tried to recall as much as the theme song as I could, and I think I got about 80% of it.  I’m solid on the first and last verses, but the middle has a couple lines I’m not sure of.  Anyway, another aside…

What happened to the TV show theme song?  If you’ll allow me an Old Man Yells at Cloud moment, the TV show opening theme song has been relegated to the dustbin of history, and in YHC’s opinion, society is poorer for it.  Theme songs used to either provide the viewer with some background and context about the show through it’s verses (sometimes to the point of overkill, think the older dreck before most of our time like The Brady Bunch or Gilligan’s Island) or laid down a sweet instrumental track that set the tone for the viewing experience.  Into the dark recesses of my mind (a truly horrifying place) I went, trying to think of some examples of top quality TV theme songs, and here is what I’ve come up with (again, you were warned):

Cheers: Perhaps the gold standard, balancing a lively piano riff with poignant lyrics

Hill Street Blues: I don’t remember much about this show other than my dad watched it, but I do remember that piano groove interspersed with an electric guitar solo that didn’t really fit, but was required by law in the 1980s

Growing Pains: Decent lyrics, decent melody, and Alan Thicke, so a solid option

Full House: Recently my 7 year old has been watching the Netflix show Fuller House, and I have to say that DJ Tanner still has her fastball

Night Court: The sax interlude made this theme much funkier than it needed to be, which we were all richer for

The Facts of Life: A home sick from school staple for YHC, a bouncy beat and fun lyrics with the added bonus of spurring one of the great debates of our time.  I firmly believe that men can be separated into one of two categories, Blair or Jo.  #TeamBlair

Perfect Strangers: I don’t remember much about this theme, but it had Balki and the Dance of Joy

Family Ties: Alex P. Keaton is one of the great protagonists in television history, as he was the moral compass of the family, which aside from him was comprised of filthy hippies

The Golden Girls: As mentioned above, an absolute banger of a theme

Married With Children: Al Bundy plus the Chairman is a winning combination

Friends: A serviceable though unremarkable Rembrandts song, it fit nicely with the show’s aesthetic

The Office: Perhaps the last show with a memorable theme

I’m sure I have forgotten several, and I’m also sure I will remember a couple immediately after hitting the Publish button.  I expect to see you all on Saturday as we continue our kettlebell workouts at Olympus.

Thursdays with Lemmy

Summer is running season in Area 51, so any opportunity to swing bells instead of grind miles is welcome. Nine PAX gathered in humidity that made the air as viscous as chicken pot pie to get some strength and conditioning work in. The Amazon Basics bluetooth speaker was fired up to serenade us with a carefully curated 45 minute long playlist of some of Motorhead’s finest work, striking a playful balance between original songs and covers.

Warmup: 20 swings, 20 SSH (one refusenik, on jumping jacks…Gummy’s influence is spreading like the plauge), 20 swings, 20 IW, 20 swings, 20 mountain climbers, 20 swings, 20 LBC

Swing & Merkin Pairs: Sets of 25, 20, 15, 10, 5

Goblet Squat & Freddie Mercury Pairs: Sets of 25, 20, 15, 10, 5

Sumo High Pull & Russian Twist Pairs: Sets of 25, 20, 15, 10, 5

Two rounds of 20 swings, 10 clean & press, and 5 goblet squats

Two rounds of 10 snatches and 10 deadlifts

Finish up with 100 swings and a sprinkling of Mary

Moleskine: A Thursday post is a rarity for YHC since it is the M’s day to work out, and a Thursday Q for YHC happens about as often as the Hornets make a sensible roster move. Sometimes the stars align however. The family is down in Florida for the week leaving a quiet house with a lot of hours to fill. On Tuesday Voodoo reached out and asked if I could fill a just vacated spot this week. Also on Tuesday, I met Hoover and Voodoo after work for the Wooden Robot brewery run. After a three mile jaunt trying our best not to melt into the pavement of the Rail Trail, we had post run beers (Hoover drinks on a 2:1 ratio to normal sized humans) then walked over to some hip millennial oriented ramen restaurant that I would misspell if I tried to type its name. To my pleasant surprise, this establishment played hard rock, both classic and contemporary instead of adhering to the modern convention of playing teenage girl oriented pop rubbish. When going out for a nice meal, I just don’t understand why establishments, especially upscale establishments, insist on assaulting their patrons’ ears with Rihanna and Katy Perry. There is simply no good reason to play any “artist” with “DJ” or “Lil” in his or her name in that setting (or any setting truthfully). Anyway, while discussing plans for Thursday’s Meathead workout, we noticed that the serving staff were all wearing black t-shirts with the name of the eatery emblazoned on them, but in font/color combinations that closely resembled famous rock bands. When a server in a t-shirt styled after the font and iron eagle design of Motorhead brought out bowls of noodles, we had our theme and playlist. As an aside though somewhat on topic, a childhood friend of YHC lives in Los Angeles and works in the music industry. When asked if it was true that Lemmy (rest his soul) used to spend his non-touring days sitting at the Rainbow drinking Jack Daniel’s, my friend chuckled and explained that yes it was true. Apparently you could go to the Rainbow bar & grill on the Sunset Strip anytime during operating hours and find Lemmy sitting alone at the end of the bar on the patio with a Jack and Coke in hand. I don’t know why, but this nugget of knowledge makes me really happy. Mumblechatter was low this morning, which was disappointing in some respects, but will be taken as a complement as to the difficulty of the workout. It was good to see the regulars and irregulars of Meathead, and I hope to make it back out there before year end.

“I Stepped in Pee Twice This Morning”

Now that I have your attention, please allow me to regale you with a summary of this morning’s happenings at Anvil, arguably the flagship midweek workout in all of Area 51. Nine gentleman convened to better themselves on a late spring morning that was downright pleasant, and like clockwork, at 5:29 am, Mermaid became visibly antsy that the festivities had yet to begin. While waiting for the time to actually reach 5:30, YHC provided a disclaimer that can reasonably be classified as fair to middling and we embarked upon our fantastic voyage.

Run to the fake grass pavilion for COP, which consisted of SSH, merkins, IW, wide arm merkins, mountain climbers, and diamond merkins. Now, there are not many things in this world YHC can claim to be good at. The list of my talents mainly consists of grilling and smoking meats, mixology, writing Backblasts, and having impeccable rhythm (due to being a drummer). That being said, while my workout leads may not be great, my cadence is flawless and metronome-like. Whilst leading the group in SSH (which nobody refusniked because Anvil is a man’s workout) YHC noticed that Hammer and Magoo were literally and figuratively marching to the beat of their own drums. Hammer is a Clemson man, so the inability to sync the body’s movements to a simple four count is understandable. YHC will have to work out with Magoo more to learn what his excuse is.

Mosey to the Avenue of Trees for sets of 20/15/10/5 merkins, squats, and LBCs punctuated with runs up and down the avenue. Proceed to the snack shack/hot box. Three sets of Bulgarian split squats, dips, and incline merkins, which were lovely. Run to the rock pile near 51 and select a rock with character. Three sets of overhead squats, curls, and triceps extensions, with two island run with lunge walk back in between each. Follow that with three sets of Sots presses, good mornings, and weighted crunches interspersed with island sprints.

Mosey back to the launch lot, stopping at the fake grass pavilion for some diamond merkins, then continue back to the launch lot for outsourced Mary, culminating in an on time finish at precisely 6:15 am.

Fueled by Tito’s and sarcasm, Spackler was out front most of the morning, which undoubtedly contributed to the mumblechatter not picking up until after COT. We learned that Mermaid has a new puppy at home, and he was not planning on working out today, but since said puppy awoke early, he decided that spending the pre-dawn hour with us was a preferable to feeding and walking the pup. This spurred the quote that inspired the title of this backblast. Magoo informed us that he has an older dog at home, and had stepped in pee twice that morning. Condolences. During the workout, Hammer (a Clemson Tiger) and Spackler (a Gamecock) were overheard civilly discussing football, which is why YHC can’t take that rivalry seriously. Ohio State fans would be ridiculing Jim Harbaugh’s inability to actually coach college football, and Michigan fans would be ridiculing Ohio State fans’ inability to actually spell college football. Alabama fans would be reminding Auburn fans that the Iron Bowl actually used to matter and was once more than just a nuisance to be endured the week before playing for the SEC Championship. Auburn fans would mumble incoherently and drool. Texas and Oklahoma football fan discussions would involve gunplay and deep frying various foodstuffs YHC can only assume. Not many announcements this morning other than a clandestine event this Friday evening at South Charlotte Middle School involving laps and lagers. Enjoy the rest of your week.

Eliminate Unwanted Bra Fat

Single digit attendance at Centurion this morning was quite a surprise this morning, especially when the weather was downright pleasant. The most likely cause was that pax were terrified of the savage beating YHC was prepared to lay down. Other possible explanations include early departures for a long weekend and/or Valentine’s Day celebrations spilling over into the morning. Unlikely, but possible. The six pax who decided to show up and put in some work on a Friday morning were treated to a disclaimer that was equal parts eloquent, efficient, and effective. The workout then began in the launch lot.

SSH, Mountain Climbers, Imperial Walkers, and Plank Jacks, all called in perfect cadence and performed with questionable form by the Q. We then departed for Carmel Commons at a civilized pace.

Once arriving in front of Amelie’s it was explained that we would be running an ABC pattern focusing on two foundational exercises, the squat and the merkin. ABC in this case stands for Amelie’s, BB&T, and Cabo’s. Start with ten reps of each exercise, run to the next stop and do nine reps, run to the next stop and do eight, and so on and so forth. Since YHC runs with the swiftness of an elderly, handicapped sloth, only bits and pieces of the mumblechatter were heard. Scabby and Mermaid were overheard discussing literature which is a testament to the caliber of man who regularly posts at Centurion. Also overheard, a massive fart that sounded like the celebratory discharge of an AK-47 during a wedding in a third world country.

After finishing, we ran across 51 to the other shopping center which most likely has a name containing the word Carmel and some combination of Shoppes, Promenade, Pavilion, or whatever else is popular with real estate developers. Here we did another round of squats and merkins in the ABC pattern, consisting of Audibel Hearing Center, Bonefish Grill, and CoolSculpt Spa. Since the runs between stations were shorter at this plaza, we upped the reps to begin with fifteen and working down to one, as well as mixing in wide arm and diamond merkins. In the parking lot someone noticed a car with a F3 sticker, which was determined to belong to Turkey Leg. There was ensuing debate over whether our comrade was exercising at 9Round or Be Yoga, then due to hearing his name spoken aloud, he appeared out of the darkness much like Beetlejuice. It turns out he was just out for a long run.

After finishing up the set, YHC checked the trusty Garmin and discovered that we needed to make for the launch lot immediately. Once arriving back YHC explained that we had been scheduled to head to Charlotte Aquatics to do sprints, monkey humpers, and lunge walks, but alas, there would be no time. Check that, there is always time for monkey humpers, so we knocked out twenty. We were about to start a bit of Mary to wrap things up with when a pickup truck came into the lot, causing us pause. It was the long lost Hairball, who had decided to join us for a few minutes. We wrapped with a handful of core exercises and some planks.

Now for a bit of explanation regarding the title of this backblast. The original title was going to be “The ABCs of S&M” as a reference to the ABC structure of the workout and the Squats (S) and Merkins (M). While a pretty good title (admit it, you would have clicked) YHC was slightly concerned with the type of traffic it might bring to our wholesome cybergloom. Thankfully Scabby took the time to read the promotional words on the glass door at CoolSculpt Spa during the festivities. The vague and legally dubious claims included slimming the thighs, firming the skin through Botox, and ridding oneself of unwanted bra fat. The lead group of Scabby, Mermaind, Brilleaux, and Snuka ran off discussing the aforementioned bra fat. A far cry from the literary discussion that had taken place earlier. Perhaps F3’s marketing department needs to start using CoolScupt Spa for inspiration? Also covered this morning was the topic of the Jack in the Box at Carmel Commons, and how none of us could recall ever seeing more than a single car in the parking lot. We wondered how it survived as a going concern. We can only surmise that it is sustained via the overnight hours from inebriated revelers in suburban South Charlotte. Announcements: Joe Davis run 3/6/19. If you are reading this you should be registered by now. Speed for Need will be at the Dash for Down’s Syndrome 3/23/19 at Blakeney, reach out to Scabby if you’d like to push. Enjoy the long weekend.

Step Away from the Air Conditioner, Law Enforcement is En Route

Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, the gone but not forgotten Saturday workout known as Olympus lived again, albeit only for a day at Ascent.  YHC arrived early to set up the gear that would be used and pulled around the school to the basketball courts.  Upon stepping out of the car, a loud and stern voice made me jump out of my skin.  After taking a moment to compose myself and appraise the situation (looking around frantically and hoping nobody saw) YHC realized that an automated message was playing repeatedly  warning that somebody or something had wandered too close to the coils on the air conditioning unit by Rea Road and that YHC needed to (“step away from the air conditioner” because “law enforcement is en route”).  Now it was decision time, abandon the location set up somewhere else, or press on and risk the possibility of having to explain to the cops why I have a sledge hammer and some rope in my trunk.  Not hearing any sirens, YHC decided to press on.  YOLO, as the kids say.

Warmup:

20 SSH IC, 2o Imperial Walkers IC, 20 kettlebell swings, 20 mountain climbers IC, 20 kettlebell swings, 20 LBC IC, 20 kettlebell swings, 10 merkins IC, 20 kettlebell swings, 20 Freddie Mercury IC, 20 kettlebell swings.

The Perfect Pair:

Kettlebell swings and merkins: rounds of 25, 20, 15, 10, 5 of each exercise.

Olympus Portion:

Several gear stations placed around the basketball courts set the stage for a high intensity sufferfest.  The timer was a jump rope where each PAX would take turns getting to 100 reps while the others rotated through the stations.  The menu consisted of slam balls, sandbag thrusters, wall balls, battle rope pull ups, and kettlebell deadlifts.  After three rounds through each station we moved on to desert consisting of a merkin mashup where we did regular merkins, wide arm merkins, and diamonds in rapid fire sets of 5 reps each, 4 reps, 3 reps, 2 reps, 1 rep.  A few minutes remained which we filled with Mary and plank work.  The final exercise was to mule the gear back to YHC’s car which had been moved to the regular launch lot.

NMM:

It was good to lead a gear workout again.  Olympus used to be my favorite workout of the week.  My first or second week in F3 I gave the workout described as kettlebells and gear on the old website and was way out in Matthews a try.  My first time there we smacked huge truck tires with sledgehammers, cleaned barbells, dragged sleds, and did other awesome stuff.  As I became a regular there I got to pull pickup trucks with a harness, flip tires, experiment with homemade squat racks and yokes, and have a blast while not having to do much running.  Maybe one day we’ll get a regular gear workout back in the region.  It will take a group effort I believe though, since loading and unloading all the equipment gets old fast, especially on cold and rainy mornings.  Thanks to the good people of Ascent for the invitation to bring my trunk full of nonsense out to play for a day.