Date: 2025-07-19 AO: chicken-run Q: tuck PAX: midriff, Green Label, Franky, soft_pretzel, turkey_leg, woodson, bratwurst, wingman, Hippie FNGs: None COUNT: 10 This week at :chicken: :man-running: we pulled off the most sophisticated and elaborate bank heist in history. Or should I say bank heists. The targets: 18 19 banks in the Ballantyne area, all located on a 10 mile route. The plan: get in, get out, and run to the next. While the cops were chasing their tails we’d already be hitting the next spot. Before they figured out the pattern we’d already be cooling off, hiding in plain sight right where they least expected it: enjoying a delicious chicken breakfast in Blakeney where the whole damn thing started :sunglasses:.
To pull off a job of this magnitude I knew I needed the right crew of 12 specialists, each filling a critical role in the master plan. But not just any ragtag group of thieves would do. For this to work, these guys needed to be the best. After months of interviews and secret meetings I had done it. I had assembled the greatest crew since 2 Live Crew took the hip hop world by storm in 1984. 1) tuck: the mastermind 2) woodson: the locksmith (aided by his unusually small hands) and logistics 3 & 4) bratwurst & Franky: IT (hacking into security systems, downloading blueprints- you know the drill) 5) wingman: drone surveillance 6) turkey_leg: the grease man (uncanny ability to fit in small places like air ducts, garbage cans, etc.) 6) Green Label: the inside man (posing as a bank teller to feed us inside information) 8) Hippie: the pickpocket (quick hands, versatile hair) 9) soft_pretzel: the financial backer 10) madison: the cantankerous old pro who comes out of retirement for one last job to cash out and pass along tricks of the trade before sailing off into the sunset with his beautiful calves 11) kirby: money laundering at various tire shops and recycling centers, comic relief, CSO- chief seduction officer when necessary (enabled by ‘rizz and perfect bone structure) 12) midriff: CDO- chief diversion officer; can create a distraction whenever necessary by showing his belly and dancing and/or singing
Now you might be thinking, doesn’t all of what I just stated amount to a written confession? Listen, if the trail of DNA (sweaty footprints) I left from crime scene to crime scene didn’t get us caught, nothing will.