Ahh, Horsey Mc F*ck Face, the AO only a mother could love. After selecting the perfect outfit for the occasion, at 5:15, on a downright chilly summer morning, I led the Pax out of the lot to see what the arse had in store this week.
Activities
Nekkid Chatter
One day this past January at Sunday Se7en, just after I took a wrong turn and inadvertently joined F3 Running Club, Fish tells me he is reviving some weird shit down south that they call Horseface or something, but he will rename it Monday McF*uckity, and we will run many hills and be better people. “Sure, sounds great” I say, “but I have a Q commitment on the first Monday so won’t be able to attend. But it is a hill workout you say? Cool, I will find a hill by my AO and we will do some repeaters.” Fish says,”no, you don’t understand, you won’t be able to replicate this where you are”. “Okay”, I say. Inner dialogue, “what the f*ck is this guy talking about? A hill is a hill and you run up and down it a few times and call it a day. To quote Floyd in between honey bear bong hits “Don’t condescend me man, I’ll fuckin kill ya, man”.
So off I go on my merry way until the following Monday when I finally arrive at that godforsaken place at the corner of Sardis and Old Bell (why so far off the grid?!). It’s so cold and so dark and then Blue Ridge and Mountainview and Wilby and Alt Sardis appear out of the gloom and it is terrible. A truly awful place, Where did it even come from? What glacial event do we owe this pleasure? Did I go through a wormhole somewhere around Providence Day and end up in the Swannanoa Valley? Days turned to weeks turned to months of showing up at this shitshow every Monday morning and ruining a perfectly good week. It all culminated in Fish’s Famous 5k which we ran twice for good measure. I think Favrah finished both legs before I competed one. But at least it’s over. I run my race, I finish respectably, and I bury the awful memories.
Fast forward to earlier this month. Chelms aka Tatertots (who is in the running, and the leader in the clubhouse if you ask me, for most bizarre F3 name. Nothing even comes up when you Google Chelms. And tatertots, while delicious, seem rather random as an alias. I also want to call him T-tots but I don’t know if he would find it offensive. While we’re on it, I think Chelms aka Tatertots was #refusenik on the last hill climb today. That’s fair, I think the point was made that this is not a bootcamp so don’t treat it that way. I treated it that way. I am a voracious reader of the comments sections and I saw where Horsehead himself said NO RULEZ EXCEPT FOR THE PLEDGE) sends out the bat signal that Horsey shall return for a 12 week run leading up to BRR. So the whole thing wasn’t a fever dream. This place exists, in real life, and this time I will see it in the light of day… in July… in Charlotte… in 85% humidity…for 12 weeks. IN. Like the Muthaship before it, the only way to conquer one’s fear is to wear that f*cker out. That’s why, yesterday, when Fish gave the Sunday Se7en option to run to Horsey, do a 4 mile loop, and then run back, I said hell yeah I’m in. That was after I realized he wasn’t kidding and that was really the plan. I really thought he was kidding. The only way to flatten out those hills is to take every available opportunity to get after it.
It’s as shitty as I remember.
The mumble chatter when you arrive at Horsey is so subdued. Not sure if it’s because of the melding of different regions in one place, or 5:15 is 15 minutes earlier than 5:30 (fact check please), or if it’s so f*ckin dark in that parking lot that I can’t tell anyone apart from anyone else. I think the real reason is the anticipated shitiness of what the next hour will be. Strong efforts out there this morning. As mentioned up top, the Russian took the lead early and never relinquished it. He will now report back to Putin that the Americans are the weaklings that they assumed us to be. I meant to keep my eye on him during the pledge. I bet he just mouths the words and doesn’t even say them. My man Powell repped for the Sparta crew. I had the pleasure of meeting Powell’s wife and daughter at the farmer’s market on Saturday morning. Bet you didn’t know that YHC has hippie tendencies and buys illegal unpasteurized milk for his children on the blackmarket at said market. Anyhow, Powell told me that, along with some family, he is opening a brewery near the New Bern light rail station in the coming months. Seems like a good idea. The other 427 breweries in CLT are packed to the gills with those damn millennials on their cell phones. I’m sure they can support one more. Also, someone notify the party planner, I am sure Powell would love to offer up the venue for the Christmas party and provide a bunch of free drinks and food. Turkey Leg was out at McFuckity in the winter. Those were all facts right?! It was snowing and uphill both ways every week right? Vouch for me here bother! Tweetsie. Goddamn, what a f*ckin inspiration this guy is. Homey is deep six every week, but continues to put in the work like a stud. I heard he may have had an intestinal episode this morning and that’s why he couldn’t join us at the Alt Lurker. But there he was, running the loop with Snowflake (RESPECTS, I’ll be damned if I am out here with you bozos in another 15 years. Same goes for Chelms aka Tatertots who is ringleading like a champion. I should only be so lucky) when we returned. Ready to rejoin the Pax and pledge it up. Triple claps to you Tweetsie. I am glad Federalist is on my team at BRR or else I would get beat by an old dude. Everybody keeps commenting on Blackjack being Slimjack, but I have only recently met him as thin, fast Blackjack, so pics or it didn’t happen. Chin Music was the first chaser all morning long keeping the pressure on Drago. What a name! From Wikipedia (so you know it’s true):
American street slang[edit]
In American slang, chin music is a term for idle talk. It dates back at least a century: “There’s too much chin music an’ too little fightin’ in this war, anyhow” is a quote from Stephen Crane’s 1895 novel The Red Badge of Courage. It can alternatively be used as a euphemism for punching someone in the jaw.
Baseball[edit]
In baseball slang, it means a pitch that is thrown near the batter’s face. The pitcher‘s intent may be to cause the batter to move “back” such that it is more difficult to hit a future outside pitch, to frighten the batter into a poorer batting approach, to intimidate opposing batters, or to actually hit the batter with the pitch. If the umpire suspects the pitcher of either of the latter two intentions, he may eject the pitcher immediately or warn both teams that any similar pitch will result in automatic ejection. The pitcher’s manager may also be ejected or warned if the umpire believes the manager ordered the beanball.
In the late 1800s, at baseball’s inception, the phrase “chin music” was used to describe razzing or heckling from the fans. It began being used as a synonym for a brushback pitch around World War II.
I assumed it was an inside pitch reference but it seems our Chin Music could be a guy that rambles on about nothing, knocked somebody the f *ck out, or delivered or received some inside heat? Either way, I’m jealous, beats the hell out of Thin Slice. Anne & Hope seems to have an uncanny ability to know where all Pax are at all times. “Is the six in?” “No we have two more out there.” He is also nominated for the bizarro name prize, even after the internet tells me that he may be named after a Rhode Island gift and garden store or a ship lost at sea off the coast of Rhode Island. Did he go to Brown? I heard they have the naked parties there and don’t give out grades. Tell me more. Spooky Jon had to split before COT but it was great to see him. Every time I see Spook I am reminded of one of my favorite F3 moments ever. I was probably about 3 or 4 months into posting. Saturday morning at the Worm (the Metro’s finest 6 am workout), and Spook had the Q. We were working Tranquil off of Selwyn. I believe the instruction was, “we are gonna run up and down this hill until time is up”. Well after about 25 minutes of that suckiness, me and Spooky make the turn at the bottom and he announces this as the last trip up. And so I look at him and he looks at me and there’s really not much to say, there’s two of us here, one hill, and one of us is gonna get to the top of it first. We busted ass up that hill as hard as we could. I think Spook edged me out, but when we got to the top, as Spook tried to call the next exercise, all he could get out, in the most dignified tone he could muster, as if he were addressing the bench, “THE Q NEEDS A MOMENT”…. f*ck yeah, I made that guy have to take a moment. Maybe this awfulness is paying off and someday I won’t be the six. I couldn’t tell if Hollins was pulling my leg at the Caffeine run announcements when he said he would be at Horsey after my shameless plug. But to be fair, Fish plugged Diamondhead first and pre-blasted so I had to do something. Thanks for the support Hollins #paaxsupportingpaxtheyhardlyevenknow. Or you just like Horsey regardless of the Q. Either way works. When filling out the list of Pax I remembered everyone without even having to go to the recording device. So proud of my memory, which used to be razor sharp before these kids, and when I still smoked cigs, but now is like mush. Maybe I should check the device just in case. ALF! Fudge, the one guy who introduced himself before the workout and I forget him. Is there a more 80’s thing than ALF. They made 102 episodes of that show. Again, we go to Wikipedia for all truth in the world to find out that little people labor starts to add up:
While a puppet was usually used for ALF, there were some shots of the tiny alien running or walking around. This was accomplished by the 2′ 9″ (84 cm) actor Michu Meszaroswearing an ALF costume. This can be seen in one of the series’ intros, which concludes with the Tanner family getting their picture taken; ALF (played by Meszaros) walks over to be part of the photo. However, Meszaros’ services became too costly as well as time-consuming, and the full ALF costume was abandoned after the first season.
Let that be a lesson to you if you planned on midget wrestling at your next holiday party. Looked to Stinger for the takeout, because Stinger is one of the guys who I will always look to for the takeout. It’s Double Nickels at Sparta, it’s Little Baby Jesus when he is available, just because I like saying Little Baby Jesus whenever I can, reminds me of the Talladega Nights scene. Stinger had some wise words last week in his Sharktank bbast. From the Tclaps, looks like most of you have seen it already. Reminds me of a Calligraphy print piece we have hanging in our home by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thích Nhất Hạnh, Love is being fully present. Try that on for size after a long day’s work when your kids are trying to tell you about their day.
Announcements
Metro July 4th Convergence at 6 am at Freedom Park gravel lot followed by the American 4 Miler where Speed for Need makes its first official debut.
Church on the street, Sunday mornings, early, feeding folks that need it. Chelms has the details.
Prohibition makes his 2017 Horsey debut as Q next week.
Enough of this. Thanks for hosting fellas, this workout is the worst. See you in a couple of weeks when I get back from vacay..
Thin Slice