Author Archive Sprockets

Welcome to the Jungle

When YHC got the last minute invite yesterday to SubstiQ for an injured Leprechaun, I immediately jumped to action, assuming he’d hurt himself valiantly while rescuing some innocent creature from some perilous situation. (Nope, he hurt his knee at Carowinds). #wondedwarrior

Nevertheless, ~17 pax gathered to support YHC in his 7th VQ. Everyone was questioning the fanny pack that was suspended securely above my junk (and many references were made to an SNL skit featuring the most romantic gift a man could ever give to his loved one…. In a box). Once fully disclaimed, YHC extended a formal “Welcome” to the pax…. Yes, “Welcome……. To the jungle.” (queue jammy pack). Let’s roll…

  • Mosey to COP
  • 20 IWs
  • 20 LSSs
  • 20 Mtn Climbers

Jam on… to the turf. Karaoke, buttkickers, circle up mid-field for that lesser-known Schwarzenegger film… The Escalator (routine and the following details stolen from that crusty old curmudgeon we refer to as “Champagne”:

Instructions provided slowly and in triplicate to ensure everyone was on the same page.

5 squats, 5 wide arm merkins, 5 heels to heaven, 5 burpees – run to other end of field (approx 50 yards)

10 squats, 10 wide arm merkins, 10 heels to heaven, 10 burpees – 50 yard run

15 squats, 15 wide arm merkins, 15 heels to heaven, 15 burpees – 50 yard run

20 squats, 20 wide arm merkins, 20 heels to heaven, 20 burpees – 50 yard run

25 squats, 25 wide arm merkins, 25 heels to heaven, 25 burpees – 50 yard run

20 squats, 20 wide arm merkins, 20 heels to heaven, 20 burpees – 50 yard run

15 squats, 15 wide arm merkins, 15 heels to heaven, 15 burpees – 50 yard run

10 squats, 10 wide arm merkins, 10 heels to heaven, 10 burpees – 50 yard run

5 squats, 5 wide arm merkins, 5 heels to heaven, 5 burpees – Finished

Solid basic old school meat and potatoes workout this am.  Escalator is no joke and leaves a mark.  A grind from beginning to end.  For those keeping score, it was 125 of all called exercises and approximately 400 yards of AYG.  And (most) everyone was crushing it and pushing themselves. Trifuseniks were in full effect, finishing at the front of the pax in impressive fashion doing “everything but the burpees.” Then again, Puddin’ pointed out to me when Bobby Brown came on that I was playing their theme song… “My Prerogative.” Touché, amigo.

Mary for the 6

Plank o rama

Elbow plankjacks

Jam on… to the bridge

Partner up and grab a rock per couple…. Catch me if you can around the track with the laggard doing 10 CDDs.

Back to the wall for people’s chair… some 1 leggeds, toes on the wall…. Hold… toe taps

Back to start for some Freddy Mercs, Sweat Angels, and 10 burpees OYO. DONE.

·         Moleskin

  • Scratch n Win claims that Appetite for Destruction was the greatest album of all time. (It’s hard to refute)
  • Limey asked YHC if I had 3 Red Bulls this morning. (Nope, just a strong dose of FREEDOM when I woke up)
  • Pop Tart was seen carrying at least 2 rocks at a time around the track, while Hops was seen empty-handed. #teamworkmakesthedreamwork
  • YHC experienced a brief moment of panic while searching for the perfect name for our FNG… a former collegiate swimmer with a nut allergy. Settled on “Epi Pen”, but YHC promptly experienced remorse for a name that is admittedly weak sauce when there were countless Speedo references to be had. YHC consulted with A51 Godfather Hops on the statute of limitations for name changes, and apparently we’re still within the window. While the crowd was clearly pushing for “Banana Hammock”, the name presented far too many syllables. When asked what the FNG used to shave his body, he responded with a “Mach 3” (a solid nickname replacement), but then Hops and I settled on it… the evil step-cousin of the Speedo… the “Slingshot” (yes, the man-kini made famous by Borat, everyone’s favorite Kazakhstanian.) Done. Settled. Immortalized. Welcome, Slingshot.


  1. Bring coats
  2. Christmas party is before Thanksgiving this year, and we’re inviting a bunch of SOBs
  3. Shameless plug for WAMRAP

It was truly a pleasure this morn. Shout-out to Scratch for the solid send-off!

She’s a brick. (duh-duh-duuuuh-duh) HOUSE

14 brave young soldiers tested the elements of trench warfare and battled through the morning to complete another session of the RockZero. Here’s how it went down…

  1. Mosey west for COP. Gummy  
    1. Straight-leg toe touch kicks
    1. Peter Parkers (Gummy commented that this order of events was a bit random. YHC assured him that things would get much more random before the morning ended)
    1. Merkins  
    1. LSSs
    1. 10 burpees OYO
  2. Mosey to the NW field for the onset of trenchfoot. YHC warned that things were about to get sloppy, but could never anticipated the level of bellyachin’ that would ensue. McGee led the lobbyist group to pursue drier turf and implored to learn why YHC would select such a moist venue. (as if aggravating McGee isn’t reason enough for such an act). Plank for instructions… 4 Corners with 20 reps of each exercise and 5 burpees b/t each round
    1. Merkins
    1. Jump squat
    1. CDD
    1. WWII situps
  3. Mosey backward uphill to the hotbox and grab 2 bricks each. Repeat the following set 3X
    1. 1 min Wall sit with brick shoulder presses in cadence
    1. 10 American Hammers with the brick
    1. 10 low slow abyss merkins with hands on the bricks
    1. 10 reverse flies with bricks…. Then hold for 10ct
    1. Front raise (hold) for good measure
  4. Mosey to the rock pile and grab a respectable 20-rep rock, then line-up abreast in the lot and repeat the following 3x
    1. 10 low slow curls in cadence
    1. 20+ presses in cadence (YHC may have accidentally doubled the first round and failed prematurely. Oops. You’re welcome for the extra value to your morning)
    1. 10 tri extensions in cadence
    1. Lunge with rock to the median
    1. Mosey a lap for some active recovery
  5. Mosey to the goose field and plank up for instructions on the patented “a$$ wrecker” combo (repeated 3X. For those of you who’ve attended a Hawks Nest post under my Qship, you’re well familiar with this)
    1. 20 SMCs
    1. 20 Bonnie Blairs
    1. 20 Mtn Climbers
    1. Run to the wall and back (admittedly longer distance than it looks to the naked eye)
  6. Mosey back to start for some flutter, LBCs, and 10 burpees OYO. DONE.

Announcements: Prayers for Strange Brew, who’s suffering from meningitis.


  • Geraldo, thanks for the online promotion leading up to the morning and advising people “not to touch my M”. Much appreciated
  • O’Tannenbaum, great to see you again this morning. Thanks for mentioning that the last time you posted, I was Q’ing. Either you’re stalking me, or you need to post more often. Looking fwd to the next.
  • Double E & Boxtruck, great to meet you both. Come back soon.
  • BLC, thanks for the suggestion about the Knolls. I’m always open to feedback, and as you can see, I rarely acknowledge or act upon it.
  • Baywatch, thanks for accompanying me on the scouting. I promise to add more Olympic style lifting and 4-minute rests next time (see note above about about feedback).
  • Witch Doctor, solid work today with nary a word of gripe, and thanks for letting us know about Strange Brew.
  • Boerewors, I’ll talk to the M about your business request, but as noted above, no touching.
  • Horsehead, thank you for demonstrating leadership by leveraging the disclaimer “modify as necessary” to the hilt. Someone told me you did a 4-6mile pre-run, so I suppose that gives you leverage.
  • Boondock, thank you for being the most mature of the entire pax
  • Hops, thanks for the solid send-off.

Beware the Bonnie Blair!

~17 pax gathered to support YHC in his 6th VQ. The temperature was well above freezing, but we centered our theme on ice (like the water running through Hammer’s veins)

  • Mosey to COP

o    Some I.W.s

o    Some L.S.S.s

o    Some True Americans (hand-release merkin plank jack)… apparently Hops is the only person who can handle a 6-count exercise… the rest of the pax were utterly befuddled.

o    Hacky Sack.. this is the time on Sprockets when we dance! (Or when everyone stands around and watches YHC dance)

·         Mosey to center of the cushy turf field

o    YHC asked the pax which 4 U.S. states comprise the 4 Corners nat’l monument. Hannibal nailed 3 of 4 (NM, AZ, CO), and thankfully someone bailed us out with a “Utah!” or we’d all still be in high plank. The jam went like this…

o    5 burpees before, b/t, and after each set

o    Merkins

o    Jump Squats

o    CDDs

o    Big Boy Situps

o    Bear crawl or crab walk to the corner, mosey back to center (diagonals got LONNNNNGGGG by the 3 round!)

·         Mary at center field

  • Bridge (hold!) –
  • Take the scenic route through enchanted forest to the track and circle up for some more Mary

The patented “a$$ wrecker” (I told everyone they’d know why it’s called that tomorrow morning when they go to sit down on the toilet)… I heard some raucous laughter from the pax and realize…. That’s not exactly what I meant, but whatever.

o    20 SMCs

o    20 skater lunges (“Bonnie Blairs”)… (5 time Olympic gold medalist and native of Champagne, IL, Hops’ hometown)

  • 20 Mtn climbers
    • Run 400
  • Repeat 3 times with mary in b/t

Line up on the waterfall line… just enough time for 400 AYG, then back to start.

5 burpee OYO (yes, while YHC goes to get his phone)

·         Moleskin

Puddin’ felt the need to bring into question Bonnie Blair’s $exual orientation. (But then again, many of us question that of Puddin’)

Welcome Homer! (Hawks Nest 1st-timer)

·         Thank you, Sardine, for keeping me informed of when the 6 was in

·         Thank you, La-Z-Boy, for initiating the 400, or we’d all still be on the line

·         Pop Tart clearly sandbagged for 57 mins, b/c he crushed the 400… the kid’s got wheels when we wants to

·         Floorslapper, I don’t know when or how you found us, but glad you did

·         Hopper for informed us that his PT said CDDs are the “dumbest exercise on earth” (cool, I’ll be sure to double them next time)


  1. Hopper is taking on co-site Q of Hawks Nest
  2. Paintball ain’t happenin
  3. Beer mile is happenin
  4. Prayer for Goonie’s sister whose unborn baby is facing a serious medical condition

It was truly a pleasure this morn. Shout-out to Hops for the solid send-off!

Double Coupon Thursday

22 Pax showed up on this humid May morning
The Thang:After a warmup up lap around OPES, i dropped the tailgate on Big Red to reveal 6 coupons (oak and maple logs).  Broke down in groups of 4 and 5 pax and ran down Rea carrying the coupon, handing off to other PAX as necessary, until we reached the canon.  Dropped the coupons at the top of the hill.-50 LBC-Top of hill, 5 each side reverse lunge, run down the hill to canon, 5 jump squats, rinse and repeat 4 times

Pick up coupons (Semi gloss was upset someone dropped his coupon in the wet grass) and started running down the hill, hang a left at the stop sign and up Castle Gate to to next stop sign and dropped coupons.
50 mtn climbers
Picked up coupons. Left on Knightswood, right on Foxworth, stopped at the end of Foxworth where we weren’t likely to get run over by a car.  Dropped coupons.
-Mini Merkin Death Spiral: 10 merkins, rest, 20 merkins, rest, 30 merkins, rest, 20 merkins, rest, 10 merkins.

Pick up Coupons and head up Windyrush, right on Rea back to OPES.  Deposited coupons back in Big Red.  Walked over to the school entrance.
-Peoples Chair (alternating air presses and derkins)
Announcements:June 7th, Beer mile, details to come
June 8th Paintball, details to come
Nice job on the take out Sprockets!
Observations:-No one carries a coupon on their shoulder like Puddin’ Pup.  Nice Work!-Gummy is not afraid to volunteer a time check..Guess he was in a hurry-like the new site Qs, bigly job so far (keep it up, you’ve got biglier shoes to fill [shout out to Queen and Marge] ).  

Announcements:June 7th, Beer mile, details to come
June 8th Paintball, details to come

Sacky Hackin’

The 5:29am PSA that YHC would be substit-q-ing for A51 Godfather, Hops, was met immediately with 20 forlorn looks of concern, confusion, and disappointment. Not sure what to make of all that (and rather than unpack everyone’s true feelings on the matter), we mosied.

1/2 way up to the COP, Scratch n Win casually mentioned that he plans to jump out of a plane on his 40th birthday (because clearly there’s nothing worth living for after that point). Being duly uplifted, we circled up…

  • SSHs = 40, in exponentially accelerating fashion, demonstrating that things only gain speed as we approach that arbitrary number. (Deep. Metaphorical. ponder that one)
  • Mtn Climbers = 20 (life is a mountain… climbing to our peak at 21?)
  • Hand Release Merkin – getting down close to mother earth (ok, that’s a stretch… it was asphalt)
  • Hacky Sack X 10 (more on this later… it’s too soon for me to re-live at the moment)
  • Mosey to the Turf Field
    • Lap around the field with karaoke, buttkickers, highsteppers
    • bear crawl to the 50, lunge walk to the end (thanks to all who refuted the hacky sackin’)
    • Find a partner of similar


and Line up for partner plank-a-thon

  • Plank for instructions (or disregard me completely and take off like a bat out of heck. Whatever)
  • Partner Plank Curls (15)/flapjack… run across field. Repeat/return
  • Partner Plank Merkins (15)/flapjack… run across field. Repeat/return
  • Partner Plank big boy situps(15)/flapjack… run across field. Repeat/return
  • Partner Plank jumpovers(15)/flapjack… run across field. Repeat/return

Mary at center field (thanks to whoever led the effort here)

  • Flutters?
  • H2Hs?
  • Freddy Mercs
  • “reverse plank” aka “Bridge” (hold!) – you and your back have my 5-year-old’s gymnastics instructor to thank for this one
  • Mosey to the Track for a “miracle mile”
    • Plank for instructions… or, if you’re Puddin’ Pop, correct my mention of “yards” with “meters” (Listen here, communist, here in America we don’t put up with logical international units of measure! You probably like the kind of “football” where people use their FEET to move the ball, don’t ye!?. Best check your citizenship, fool)
    • Run 100 + 10 air squats
    • Run 200 + 20 air squats
    • Run 300 + 30 air squats
    • Run 400 + 40 air squats
    • Run 300 + 30 merkins
    • Run 200 + 20 merkins
      • It was right about here that Charlotte native and NASCAR aficionado, PopTart, slung out of Brushback’s slipstream into the passing lane and sprinted to the finish line. Well played. Now you get to plank longer than anyone.
    • Run 100 + 10 merkins
    • Plank-o-rama
  • Wall w/ Rock
    • 20 presses in chair
    • Toes on wall (20 hipslappers)
    • 20 curls in chair
    • Toes on wall (20 hipslappers)
  • Return to start:
    • Freddy Mercs
    • 10 burpees OYO


  • Revlon nearly ran me off Providence Road en route to his favorite parking spot. (That’s the kind of competitive spirit I like to see at 5:20am!)
  • Deep Dish continues to hold vehemently to his personal 40-degree rule (Hey, you do you, Iceman. You’ve got me excited for spring… great to see you this morning 😉
  • Semi-Gloss and Prohibition continue to subscribe to the same Stitch Fix consultant (#twinsies!)
  • Mad, it was an honor meeting you and sharing an inordinate amount of physical contact with you. Hope to see you back soon.
  • Daylight Savings Time seems to have affected Purple Haze’s watch by not hours, but minutes. Fast Twitch joined us somewhere b/t 6:17 and 6:18. By that time, Bugeater and Billygoat had already started in on their 2nd bloody marys.
  • The debut of the “hacky sack” exercise was met with a wide variety of reactions and near-injuries. Leprechaun seemed to take to it like the Irish jigs of his motherland. Meanwhile, I caught Rachel staring at me like I had a cucumber growing out of my head (perhaps he’s still nursing that shoulder, and this is off the PT list). Regardless, this is the time on Sprockets when we dance! Expect many more exercises in this genre. Next time… the worm.


  • Hops pulled a calf, and Runstopper’s wife, Jenae, has surgery this week. Prayers for quick healing for both.

Go pound sand!

With New Years Resoluters around the globe fartsacking in Februraury, 20 pax rolled out to prove their commitment to selves and support YHC in his Rock Zero VQ. Flipper quickly educated me that there’s technically no such thing as a “site VQ”. I quickly educated him that he could technically kiss my gluts and lead these yayhoos himself.

Extra long mosey… scenic route to the roundabout including some karaoke and backpedaling.


  • SSH in accelerating fashion
  • IW
  • Mtn climbers
  • LSS
  • Merkin surprise (Surprise! We’re doing a Merkin pyramid)

Partner up and grab a (pre-ordained) rock

20 big boy situps, locking feet and passing rock to partner (you aND your chiropractor have Runstopper to thank for this one)

No “running with rocks”. That’s unhealthy and stupid. Instead, we mosey with the rocks to the playground sandpit.

Thing 2?

Independent circuit… 7 pullups, 7 kneeups, 7 SMCs, and take a lap out to the Clemson flag and back. (3 x all of the above)


20 more partner rock situps (awful)

  • Rock thrusters while partner takes a lap (flapjack)
  • Rock slams with rock while partner takes a lap. (Fill shoes with 5 lb of sand)
  • 20 more partner rock situps (miserable/idiotic)… fill shorts with 5lb of sand

Mosey to hotbox

People’s chair while passing rock back n forth

BTTW… hold …20 toe taps

People’s chair with rock bak n forth… twice

20 donkey kicks oyo

Mosey to the turf… 4 legged starfish… 20 LBCs, my climbers, squats, merkins

Someone irked me, so we added 5 burpees before and after each leg

Grab the rocks and mosey back to pile, then to start… finish strong with dolly, hth, and Flutter to the bell.


Someone better be going to confession this week due to blatant unsportsmanlike conduct. The Clemson flag (my WIFE’S alma mater) was used as a beacon to guide you all through this mornings gauntlet, and you disrespected it (and Mrs. Sprockets – a saint!) By repeatedly unplanting it. Rumors flew of bitter Tide alums and someone who rhymes with Tackler, but I make no accusations. Confess your sins, and you will be washed clean.

Id missed the past few weeks, so Great to see some new-ish faces like Elsa, Dora, Floorslapper. Great to have you.

Thanks to Gummy, Ductwork, Stone Cold and others for helping keep the pax together. Appreciate the teamwork.

The official coronation of our new site Qs transpired with a riveting speech from the outgoing Hoover. Thanks to him, Borewors and Flipper for leading RockZero past, and to Nemo and Geraldo for RZ future.


Joe Davis run 3/9? No RockZero that day.

Prayers for our fallen brother this week… pleas e continue to support one another on and off the field. We’re all in this together.

It was a true pleasure today. Enjoy the weekend.


A strong quorum of 22 pax rolled out either to fulfill New Years resolutions, or they were lured under false pretenses that they’d be supporting YHC in his VQ. Either way, the environment was festive, largely because Cheese Curd offered to do a Flashdance performance when asked about his legwarmers (don’t tease me, bro!) Speaking of Curd, he won the Eskimo award by dressing more appropriately for a snowmobile tour than a bootcamp workout, but whatever. The boyz looked chilly, so off we ran…

Arrived at the turf unscathed (though we could’ve used nightvision goggles to navigate the bleachers), and searched in the dark for Surprise #1. It was at this point, 2mins into the workout that Gummy yelled out “the wheels are coming off, Sprockets!” (Thanks for the vote of confidence.) Then I located it… a rusty old football gauntlet last used by the OP Elementary PeeWee league of ’72. We singled up, gained some speed, lowered our shoulders and plowed through it like Chris Farley through a coffee table (or it least some of us did… the ones with pelotas).

Circle up!

  • 50 SSHs in exponentially accelerating fashion
  • 20 IWs
  • 20 LSSs
  • The “Merkin Surprise”… an experimental pyramid of merkins and planking 1…7, 7…1 = 56
  • Flutter? (30)

Then I made more friends… 10 burpees OYO, followed by a pass through the rusty gauntlet and run back to plank

30 Rosalita

10 burpees OYO, followed by another pass through the widowmaker

Mosey down south across Rea to the corner of Windy Rush and something.

Plank it up for shoulder taps

Partner up… run the block. Upon encounter, Partner 1 does 15 big boy situps, Partner B planks on partner 1’s feet. Run back to start and flapjack.

Plank for hip touches (your OWN hips, Puddin’ Pop!)

Partner up… run the block. Upon encounter, Partner 1 does 15 derkins atop planking partner. Run back to start and flapjack.


Run to the church, grab a 20-rep rock, carry overhead to assigned line.

Lunge walk with rock across parking lot to the grass.

  • 20 curls IC
  • 20 rows IC
  • 10 thrusters OYO

Lunge walk with rock back across parking lot

  • 20 curls IC
  • 20 rows IC
  • 20 thrusters OYO
  • Deposit the rock

Run back to the Eastsiiiiide (motel) of the school and find some wall.

  • Chair with 30 air presses
  • BTTW …. Hold…. Hold…. 20 toe taps. Recover.

Return to start.


  1. Spackler and Semi-Gloss were not present to complain about the absurdity of the gauntlet, but thankfully plenty of other pax were. However, One Eye and Runstopper hit that mutha like a boss!
  2. Scratch n Win, per your request, I still owe you the name of my coke dealer.
  3. Hopper’s reckless abandonment of Grecian Formula is praiseworthy. Lookin’ good!
  4. Jet Fuel, thanks for canceling your 3rd trip of ’19 to Bahrain to be a part of the festivities.
  5. Queen continues to try out for the next Rocky movie with his dark training sweatsuit. Solid.
  6. Great to see guest appearances from Baywatch, Tilda, and others. You’re always welcome at Hydra.
  7. Lewinsky is on Q next week, and he verbally promised twice the enthusiasm of YHC
  8. Formal respect to Fry Daddy, but all pax get my respect for showing up this morning. It was a pleasure to suffer with you all.
  9. Flipper, thank you for the solid sendout.


  1. QSource:  6:30am Thursdays at Eggs Up Café… studying Language of Leadership. Multiple other locations on various days and times studying same material. Contact Flipper for details. Come one, come all.

Buns of Steel

19 real American heroes were in the Nest (of the trust tree) this morning, undeterred by temps at which water transforms to a solid. Hops gave me some pushback on the start time, but then confessed that he doesn’t actually wear a watch. (Apparently he has Kramer-esque internal alarm clock skills). Regardless, the boyz looked chilly, so we gots to movin…

Thing 1:

Found a random parking lot (with lights this time) and circled up to get the blood flowin:

  • 50 SSHs
  • 20 IWs
  • 20 LSSs

Mosey to the track…


Warmup lap with some karaoke, leaving the inner 2 lanes open for fellow civilians. (Several Geometry majors in the group seemed remarkably upset by this suggestion, realizing they’d have to put in at least another dozen steps this morning.)

Then (back by unpopular demand), the patented “a$$ wrecker” combo… sure to get your buns rock hard like those ballerinos in the Buttcracker Ballet:

  • 20 SMCs
  • 20 skater lunges
  • 20 Mtn Climbers.
  • Take a lap, Plank for the 6 and repeat. 3 sets total.

Plank-o-Rama. Hold at 6″ until Revlon gets his fill.

Head to the turf…

Thing 3:

Mary circle at centerfield:

~30 LBCs

~25 Flutter

~20 HTH

Thing 4:

Line up abreast on the 50

Drop n gimme 20 merkins, run to the goal line (which is apparently farther away in soccer than in ‘Murican Football)…19 merkins, run back to the 50, wash rinse & repeat… 18, 17, 16, 15… finish back at the 50 yd line (or at least that was the idea.)

Thing 5:

Grab a shmediumish rock and head to the bridge, find a piece of wall and settle into people’s chair for another experiment that “looked good on paper”.

  • 20 curls in the chair
  • Drop the rock and decline with toes on the wall… 20 hipslappers.
  • 20 presses in the chair.
  • 20 donkey kicks.
  • 1 more chair. (Attempt to) hold rock out in front of you while Hopper gives the 10ct.

Drop the stupid rock and tell yourself the workout’s over and that you’re running back to parking lot…

Thing 6:

Instead of actually returning to start, follow YHC, who (in his first official full-length Q) clearly suffers from poor time mgmt skills and flounders to kill another 5 mins. Find a dark slab of icy asphalt. Bear crawl to 1st median, run to 2nd. Turn and repeat. (If your hands hadn’t already gone numb while holding the cold rock, this should certainly do it!).

Return to origin for ~25 Rosalita and 50 Freddy Mercs.

Some idiot noticed we had 30 secs left, so 10 burpees OYO rounded out the post.


Upon commencing the polar bear crawls, I believe I heard Semi-gloss “call an Omaha”. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I believe it’s where you stand around while you watch other people exercise. (Sounds inviting… I’ll have to add that to my Weinke next time)

Hammer shaved a good 100yds off the workout by arriving at 5:31 and parking on the route toward our warmup circle (clearly a veteran move… I’ve still so much to learn!)

Doc McStuffins and Runstopper went for extra credit by knocking out another 14 merkins at the end of the merkin suicides. (For Doc, something was clearly lost in translation. For Runstopper, he starts his Merkins so close to the ground that I guess he needs the extra reps to make them count.)


Please keep Cooter and Huggy Bear in your prayers as they both face surgery today.

Hops encouraged us to consider reaching out a brother this season… a simple call can make all the difference in a man’s life.

Thanks to Hops for his leadership in this group, for asking me to lead this morning, and for trusting me not to screw it up (too bad). And thanks to Pastor Purple Haze for the solid sendoff.


The 40-Year-Old Virgin

A group of 21 very experienced ladykillers took this VQ under their wings this morning to see me finally become a man. I told them I wasn’t a professional, but I went ahead and decided to make them pay.

First stop was a shady dark utility lot for some warmup. SSHs, Imperial Walkers, LSQs, and some windmills limbered up the limbs and we headed to the track for an easy lap including some Karaoke and backpedaling. 

Then, the fun began…


20 Sister Mary Catherines

20 Mountain Climbers

20 Skater Lunges

Take a lap and make it count on the backstretch

Wait for the 6 in an “Al Gore” seated position and like it

(Repeat all of the above 3 times)

Hand the keys to Champagne and mosey to the turf…


4-legged starfish with 5 double-merkin burpees in center field between each leg…

10 Merkins

10 Wide-arm Merkins

10 Diamond Merkins

10 Carolina Drydocks

(Repeat all of the above twice)


Grinders (‘nuf said)

Mosey to the lot for a new world record 200 flutter kicks and cash it in


Susan G Komen Race for the Cure is this weekend. Speed for Need is pushing 8 cancer survivors and looking for volunteers. Contact Tolkein (aka “Token”) to get involved. (Doc McStuffins gave a heartfelt testimony for “Heathers’ Heroes”. You can have a tremendous impact on the life of a survivor by giving them a unique raceday experience)


Apparently, One Eye needs to be renamed One Ear, because he completely failed to hear my instructions on the track and took off like a Sooner in the Oklahoma land rush of 1889.

A big shoutout to Hops and Champagne for challenging me to lead today, as well as Revlon, Mermaid, Alf, Hopper, and many others for coaching me on my VQ prep. It was also great to catch up with Mall Cop today, since he’s the dirty son of a gun who gave me this awful name.. As many of you know, I moved to town 3 months ago without really knowing a soul, so this group has been a true blessing to me, and I am sincerely grateful. As Doc McStuffins would say, “Moochos Grassyos”.