Author Archive Sprockets


A strong quorum of 22 pax rolled out either to fulfill New Years resolutions, or they were lured under false pretenses that they’d be supporting YHC in his VQ. Either way, the environment was festive, largely because Cheese Curd offered to do a Flashdance performance when asked about his legwarmers (don’t tease me, bro!) Speaking of Curd, he won the Eskimo award by dressing more appropriately for a snowmobile tour than a bootcamp workout, but whatever. The boyz looked chilly, so off we ran…

Arrived at the turf unscathed (though we could’ve used nightvision goggles to navigate the bleachers), and searched in the dark for Surprise #1. It was at this point, 2mins into the workout that Gummy yelled out “the wheels are coming off, Sprockets!” (Thanks for the vote of confidence.) Then I located it… a rusty old football gauntlet last used by the OP Elementary PeeWee league of ’72. We singled up, gained some speed, lowered our shoulders and plowed through it like Chris Farley through a coffee table (or it least some of us did… the ones with pelotas).

Circle up!

  • 50 SSHs in exponentially accelerating fashion
  • 20 IWs
  • 20 LSSs
  • The “Merkin Surprise”… an experimental pyramid of merkins and planking 1…7, 7…1 = 56
  • Flutter? (30)

Then I made more friends… 10 burpees OYO, followed by a pass through the rusty gauntlet and run back to plank

30 Rosalita

10 burpees OYO, followed by another pass through the widowmaker

Mosey down south across Rea to the corner of Windy Rush and something.

Plank it up for shoulder taps

Partner up… run the block. Upon encounter, Partner 1 does 15 big boy situps, Partner B planks on partner 1’s feet. Run back to start and flapjack.

Plank for hip touches (your OWN hips, Puddin’ Pop!)

Partner up… run the block. Upon encounter, Partner 1 does 15 derkins atop planking partner. Run back to start and flapjack.


Run to the church, grab a 20-rep rock, carry overhead to assigned line.

Lunge walk with rock across parking lot to the grass.

  • 20 curls IC
  • 20 rows IC
  • 10 thrusters OYO

Lunge walk with rock back across parking lot

  • 20 curls IC
  • 20 rows IC
  • 20 thrusters OYO
  • Deposit the rock

Run back to the Eastsiiiiide (motel) of the school and find some wall.

  • Chair with 30 air presses
  • BTTW …. Hold…. Hold…. 20 toe taps. Recover.

Return to start.


  1. Spackler and Semi-Gloss were not present to complain about the absurdity of the gauntlet, but thankfully plenty of other pax were. However, One Eye and Runstopper hit that mutha like a boss!
  2. Scratch n Win, per your request, I still owe you the name of my coke dealer.
  3. Hopper’s reckless abandonment of Grecian Formula is praiseworthy. Lookin’ good!
  4. Jet Fuel, thanks for canceling your 3rd trip of ’19 to Bahrain to be a part of the festivities.
  5. Queen continues to try out for the next Rocky movie with his dark training sweatsuit. Solid.
  6. Great to see guest appearances from Baywatch, Tilda, and others. You’re always welcome at Hydra.
  7. Lewinsky is on Q next week, and he verbally promised twice the enthusiasm of YHC
  8. Formal respect to Fry Daddy, but all pax get my respect for showing up this morning. It was a pleasure to suffer with you all.
  9. Flipper, thank you for the solid sendout.


  1. QSource:  6:30am Thursdays at Eggs Up Café… studying Language of Leadership. Multiple other locations on various days and times studying same material. Contact Flipper for details. Come one, come all.

Buns of Steel

19 real American heroes were in the Nest (of the trust tree) this morning, undeterred by temps at which water transforms to a solid. Hops gave me some pushback on the start time, but then confessed that he doesn’t actually wear a watch. (Apparently he has Kramer-esque internal alarm clock skills). Regardless, the boyz looked chilly, so we gots to movin…

Thing 1:

Found a random parking lot (with lights this time) and circled up to get the blood flowin:

  • 50 SSHs
  • 20 IWs
  • 20 LSSs

Mosey to the track…


Warmup lap with some karaoke, leaving the inner 2 lanes open for fellow civilians. (Several Geometry majors in the group seemed remarkably upset by this suggestion, realizing they’d have to put in at least another dozen steps this morning.)

Then (back by unpopular demand), the patented “a$$ wrecker” combo… sure to get your buns rock hard like those ballerinos in the Buttcracker Ballet:

  • 20 SMCs
  • 20 skater lunges
  • 20 Mtn Climbers.
  • Take a lap, Plank for the 6 and repeat. 3 sets total.

Plank-o-Rama. Hold at 6″ until Revlon gets his fill.

Head to the turf…

Thing 3:

Mary circle at centerfield:

~30 LBCs

~25 Flutter

~20 HTH

Thing 4:

Line up abreast on the 50

Drop n gimme 20 merkins, run to the goal line (which is apparently farther away in soccer than in ‘Murican Football)…19 merkins, run back to the 50, wash rinse & repeat… 18, 17, 16, 15… finish back at the 50 yd line (or at least that was the idea.)

Thing 5:

Grab a shmediumish rock and head to the bridge, find a piece of wall and settle into people’s chair for another experiment that “looked good on paper”.

  • 20 curls in the chair
  • Drop the rock and decline with toes on the wall… 20 hipslappers.
  • 20 presses in the chair.
  • 20 donkey kicks.
  • 1 more chair. (Attempt to) hold rock out in front of you while Hopper gives the 10ct.

Drop the stupid rock and tell yourself the workout’s over and that you’re running back to parking lot…

Thing 6:

Instead of actually returning to start, follow YHC, who (in his first official full-length Q) clearly suffers from poor time mgmt skills and flounders to kill another 5 mins. Find a dark slab of icy asphalt. Bear crawl to 1st median, run to 2nd. Turn and repeat. (If your hands hadn’t already gone numb while holding the cold rock, this should certainly do it!).

Return to origin for ~25 Rosalita and 50 Freddy Mercs.

Some idiot noticed we had 30 secs left, so 10 burpees OYO rounded out the post.


Upon commencing the polar bear crawls, I believe I heard Semi-gloss “call an Omaha”. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I believe it’s where you stand around while you watch other people exercise. (Sounds inviting… I’ll have to add that to my Weinke next time)

Hammer shaved a good 100yds off the workout by arriving at 5:31 and parking on the route toward our warmup circle (clearly a veteran move… I’ve still so much to learn!)

Doc McStuffins and Runstopper went for extra credit by knocking out another 14 merkins at the end of the merkin suicides. (For Doc, something was clearly lost in translation. For Runstopper, he starts his Merkins so close to the ground that I guess he needs the extra reps to make them count.)


Please keep Cooter and Huggy Bear in your prayers as they both face surgery today.

Hops encouraged us to consider reaching out a brother this season… a simple call can make all the difference in a man’s life.

Thanks to Hops for his leadership in this group, for asking me to lead this morning, and for trusting me not to screw it up (too bad). And thanks to Pastor Purple Haze for the solid sendoff.


The 40-Year-Old Virgin

A group of 21 very experienced ladykillers took this VQ under their wings this morning to see me finally become a man. I told them I wasn’t a professional, but I went ahead and decided to make them pay.

First stop was a shady dark utility lot for some warmup. SSHs, Imperial Walkers, LSQs, and some windmills limbered up the limbs and we headed to the track for an easy lap including some Karaoke and backpedaling. 

Then, the fun began…


20 Sister Mary Catherines

20 Mountain Climbers

20 Skater Lunges

Take a lap and make it count on the backstretch

Wait for the 6 in an “Al Gore” seated position and like it

(Repeat all of the above 3 times)

Hand the keys to Champagne and mosey to the turf…


4-legged starfish with 5 double-merkin burpees in center field between each leg…

10 Merkins

10 Wide-arm Merkins

10 Diamond Merkins

10 Carolina Drydocks

(Repeat all of the above twice)


Grinders (‘nuf said)

Mosey to the lot for a new world record 200 flutter kicks and cash it in


Susan G Komen Race for the Cure is this weekend. Speed for Need is pushing 8 cancer survivors and looking for volunteers. Contact Tolkein (aka “Token”) to get involved. (Doc McStuffins gave a heartfelt testimony for “Heathers’ Heroes”. You can have a tremendous impact on the life of a survivor by giving them a unique raceday experience)


Apparently, One Eye needs to be renamed One Ear, because he completely failed to hear my instructions on the track and took off like a Sooner in the Oklahoma land rush of 1889.

A big shoutout to Hops and Champagne for challenging me to lead today, as well as Revlon, Mermaid, Alf, Hopper, and many others for coaching me on my VQ prep. It was also great to catch up with Mall Cop today, since he’s the dirty son of a gun who gave me this awful name.. As many of you know, I moved to town 3 months ago without really knowing a soul, so this group has been a true blessing to me, and I am sincerely grateful. As Doc McStuffins would say, “Moochos Grassyos”.