I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be an evil villain with minions, or perhaps just a few go-to henchmen. Big ugly ones like Beastman and Trap Jaw who follow your every whim without (too much) questioning. Let’s find out.
21 at the Peak, if you count the two #walkerstalkers dressed in black – Geraldo and Dora. We’ll take the numbers. They looked evil enough.
Follow me, minions . . .
Snake Mountain mosey weaving around the parking lot. I just kept turning to see if the big train would keep following. Evil henchman conga line – perfect.
Now we circle up for some cruel exercises. Gather round my evil underlings.
SSH X 20
Squat X 20
Mountain Climber X 20
Fire Ants X 100 (minions followed until they figured out it was not an exercise)
Crawl around X 50
Peter Parker X 20
Leave the scene of the crime
Death Star-fish in the parking lot – burpee center with merkins, lbcs, mary catherine, & jump squats in the corners. Repeat until I release my command. That’s right, my evil powers cross the bounds of Filmation and LucasFilms.
Some jibber jabber from Slim Fast about the Mary Catherine technique. He had already tied one hostage to himself with a towel, so I backed away. Can’t risk a mutiny.
7s on the hill – situps and burpees. More talk of mutiny, but I held it together by threat of force lightening.
Partner up for (evil) Alabama Slamma – decending merkins. Slim again with the lip, but we threw him in the snake pit. Rumor is that he has already recruited a BRR team from within the other captives.
What’s left? Time to show your loyalty to the evil master. Suicides. One set until folks started to stagger, then a 2nd set to seal the deal. Flying monkey march (got that one too) back to the getaway vehicles. Somebody led some mary while I circled back to taunt the stragglers from my evil and strangely self-propelled flying chariot.
Other notes from Snake Mountain:
Two of my scariest and most evil henchman have taken it upon themselves to become less-scary skinny versions of themselves. Bullwinkle and Shake & Bake have lost nearly 100 lbs between the two of them. This is unacceptable – we need you back as fat evil villains. Don’t let it happen again.
Benny was named after a group of New Jersey people who are somehow more offensive than the rest of the New Jersey people. I like it, in an evil way.
Lumberjack kilt him a bar when he was only three.
Lois reminds me of the kid who had 100,000 baseball cards. We broke into his car and replaced them with Garbage Pail kids. Much more evil. Used some of them as stickers too.
We need to name somebody Ram Man. He was the best He Man character. Would have been even better if he were evil.
PSA:
If you watch one terrible sci-fi movie on Netflix, you pay for life. All of the “suggestions” keep coming in with more terrible choices, serving as a constant reminder of the transgression. It never stops. Just think about that before you click on anything with Sharks, Monsters, or Ian Ziering in it.
Announcements:
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
Hate,
Skeletor
15 plunged into the depths of the sea of knowledge, and emerged with pearls of wisdom (and possibly some fresh calluses)
THANG:
Warmup:
20 Swings + 10 Merkins, repeat X 5
Swing / Clean / Hi Pull / Snatch combo – continuous movement
Repeat x3, x6, x9, but not x12
RDL / Goblet Squat / F Lunge / B Lunge – continuous movement
Repeat x3, x5, x9 (sketchy), and most definitely not x12
Partner Up:
Teabag x 10, Overhead Press x 10, Teabag to Overhead press combo x 10
Clean x 10, Press X 10, Clean and Press combo X 10
Swing x 10, Goblet Squat x 10, Swing to Goblet Squat combo X 10
Snatch x 10, Reverse Lunge X 10, Viking Salute x 10 (click link for video)
20 Swings + 10 Merkins, repeat until 6:15
MOLESKIN:
Here’s a tip – don’t bet on billiards with anyone named after a state (Minnesota Jack, Arkansas Slim, the list goes on) or look for life-changing exercise instruction from someone who ate a pack of Nabs he found in his vehicle on the way to the workout. That said, I noticed some guys really taking my swing instruction to heart this morning and I got a little teary eyed. It could have just been catching a whiff of High Tides tank top (seriously, try some Tide), but I think it was a little bit more. Header had out his preacher notebook and Bulldog was trying to figure out his Evernote password but couldn’t get Siri to understand the letter “R”.
Missing Turkey Leg this morning. Probably posting Strava runs from the Shire again. We await his return. He still working on a autobiography novel about the incontinent jogger, “The Man with One Brown Sock”. A screenplay starting Tom Hanks and Dabney Coleman is also in the works.
Voodoo was off searching for his true calling in life. He was devastated last week upon learning that Elon Musk was not gas station cologne. All of those quarters gone to waste. He’s also trying to find out why his electric car only has a range of 3 miles. Try the 600lbs of kettlebells in the passenger seat pal.
The general workout went a little like a Pandora station. Keep skipping exercises until you have to listen to a commercial. Hope you guys got your moneys worth. It’s all optional, I suppose, but you’re not gonna look like this if you keep doing that. #flex
Welcome Gaylord. The Sorting Hat really flipped you a stinker with that name #notslytherin. Glad you are still coming out.
Rumors of a Brown sighting. Nowhere near a workout, mind you, but the man has been spotted. Keep hope alive.
Ended the workout with a jewel from one of TRs series of “clean but weird” videos – the Viking Salute. I received, in return, some various other salutes from the pax. Smokey took a knee in protest and left his kneecap in the parking lot.
Finally, this morning marked the debut of my genius invention, the “Lockscreen Weinke“. Save the weinke as a photo to the iPhone lockscreen and BAM – instant access during the workout. Problem is, when you are playing the Alan Jackson Pandora Station, the controls cover up the text and it is rendered useless. Oh well, back to the drawer. It did serve to remind me though, that you need to be prepared for when life throws you a curveball. Train to handle the unexpected. Don’t get shaken up when something goes awry – it will happen.
All I can remember from this AM . . .
Probably some announcements too. Contact Bulldog via his America Online email address for these.
HH
10 at Kevlar for a Total Body Workout. We kept it simple.
Thang:
Run to tennis court parking – warmup COP. It was dark.
Run to tennis pavilion. Perform the following, then run to the end of cemetery lane
Run to hill. Perform the following, then run up the hill and back.
Run to back parking lot. Teams of 3. Hairburner grinders across the lot while doing the following:
Work until 6:15, then run back. Whoops.
Skin:
Simple but highly effective. We kept it to 4 total exercises, advertised as the Total Body Workout. Throw in some 600m runs, hill repeats, and those horrible plates and everyone got a good little sweat going. Sorry about the time – I was seeing multiple watches during the hairburners and thought it was 6:05 when everyone started getting a little rowdy.
Just a few observations:
Where, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone.
HH
10 headed out for a Wednesday morning adventure into the hillz of Raintree, with the Q not too far behind.
THANG:
Mosey a bit
Triple Nickel(back) on Rising Meadow – Jump Squats and Merkins
Two sprints to the top with burpees
Mary to recover
Mosey back
Strawberry Suicides w/ some exercises
Sprint to the end with 5 burpees
Mosey back to school
1 lap to get 3 miles for Spackler #promisekeeper
Mary with failed millennial postmodern do-whatever-you-feel-like call at the end by Dollywood
SKIN:
Good to be back in the Q saddle – it has been a long time. I have gotten slower and the DV pax have gotten younger and faster. Thanks for letting me lead from the back today.
Smokey’s hat is disgusting.
Some confusion on the Rising Meadow trip-nick. I thought it was 5 exercises and 3 trips, but it is supposed to be 5 trips. We hit two more trips up to make it right.
Fireman Ed sometimes goes to Planet Fitness at 3:30AM so he can go back home and sleep. If you read anything about strange people at the gym at 3:30, he’s your man. You do have to respect a man who will wear a tank top to a nice restaurant though . . . not that I’ve ever seen Ed do that (thank goodness), but I wouldn’t be surprised.
Doing exercises in the middle of the road at an intersection is not the greatest idea. Be careful guys. We’ll end up in the Raintree newsletter again soon. #shadowninjas.
Smokey’s hat is really disgusting.
Spackler likes to name drop. He was talking about the high-roller cougars at the jazz Barre class that he attends instead of F3. Something about a BOGO Groupon for the Tiger Woods Thanksgiving special. I noticed that he was wearing a friendship bracelet that said “Sweet Baboo” on it, so I’m really not sure what he’s getting himself into these days. I think Buttermaker is also involved with this. I heard they had matching engraved Zippos too. Somebody intervene.
No sight of Chelms. I think he fell asleep in the tub listening to his new Robert D. Raiford box set last night. Hey Big Man, let me hold a dollar.
Lots of young soccer players down in the Valley these days. They like to run when I walk and talk when I gasp for air. Wonder how they feel about Matchbox 20. Just curious.
Chin Music is a super nice guy. He even looks good bald. I called him Skin Music, and he just smiled and laughed. He has that Header nice-guy thing going. I bet if he invited you to a cookout and then showed up with Bubba Burgers, you wouldn’t even be mad.
Gotta run – going segment hunting on the Devils Turn apartment loop.
Pro Tip: Don’t ever pour Capri Sun into a clear glass.
Horsehead
Please excuse the brevity of this blast, but it’s a beautiful Saturday and the Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music.
Perfect workout conditions – couldn’t have asked for a nicer morning out there. Some sort of UC attendance bet going on, so lots of guys dragged the 2.0s out of bed to pad the numbers. Commitment claims the win with 18 total and 1 FNG, but GJ has filed an official protest with 7 total and 2 FNGs at the Monroe site. Having no dog in this hunt, I’ll let you guys sort this one out.
Thang:
Skin:
GO COCKS!
Horsehead
Donut Run – 6 miles of a painful hilly loop followed by competitive eating, hairy guys in flesh covered towels, and sweaty butt stains in the freshly cleaned Donut Shack lobby. I’m pretty sure the donuts cancel out the benefits of the run, and the other things are just a bonus negative. If you were to simply add a space to the “workout” name, you could call it “Do Not Run”. Following that advice, you’d probably reap similar benefits without the emotional scarring of seeing SemiNude Gloss traipsing around the parking lot in his wife’s bath towel.
Sounds bitter eh? Well, maybe I am. You see, last week was magical and I thought that Semi and I had a little something going. Nothing weird, you know, but a little #ISI and #firewood to keep us both honest. We actually finished the last 50 yards (emotionally) holding hands like Thelma and Louise. I can still smell the Axe spray and Two Buck Chuck pore seepage. I suppose sequels are usually letdowns, but this one was #jarjarbinks bad. I rolled in just on time at 5:13 (double deuce) all ready to go just to see Semi and his new thang Retread taking off and trying not to make eye contact. Seriously . . . five freaking thirteen? I thought about just going inside to suck the jelly out of a dozen or so, but they were not open yet. To cap it off, WingMan failed to show for the 2nd straight week after Slacking about it and Bushwood just straight up fartsacked.
Anyways . . . the run was about the same as always except I threw up in my mouth a little more than normal at the stretch between the Arboretum and Rea. That’s when TR came alongside to taunt encourage me and asked me if there were any other running workouts in A51 that he could post to. I was also passed by, let’s see, almost everyone else at some point during the run. Fantastic.
What else happened? This part is generally where Bushwood (who was not there because he was fartsacking) usually summarizes the donut shop conversations, flavored with his witty observations and confident-enough-to-wear-women’s-clothing-wearing panache. Since I left early, I’ll have to take my best guess.
Agony is considering replacing the his Summer Sermon Series with reruns of Reading Rainbow (in 4K). He ironically ran the whole route wearing a pair of Geordi La Forge glasses. Rumors are that he has never washed his camo pants and that they have actually posted a faster 10K time on their own than when he was wearing them.
Kirk looks like John Arbuckle. He was searching for Odie along the route, but came up empty handed. He ended up chasing Semi Gloss down with a two fistfuls of velcro and rode the last 1/3 of a mile back secretly attached to his back hair.
Hairball got his hairy dolphin tattoo replaced with one of Calvin peeing on something. He was too fast to for me to make it out completely.
Bunker looked bored during this A51 run without Honeybee and Haggis to chase after. I saw him reading the Simillarion by headlamp about halfway through, trying to understand one of Tolkien’s backblasts.
That’s about all for today.
toodles,
Horsehead
18 today to say “Bon Voyage” to the current Kevlar Site Qs and welcome in some new blood. Actually, I looked up “Bon Voyage” and it means “have a nice trip”, and I’m pretty sure that’s not the proper translation for some of the messages I have been receiving. Close enuf.
Given the importance of today, Bulldog and I started planning our workout several weeks in advance. We did a few dry runs in different atmospheric conditions with some hired stand-ins and ran things through a fairly sophisticated software package developed by Union County sausage purveyor (and goat breeder) Skeebo Whittaker to make sure we had all of our bases covered.
The Thang:
Horsehead Q
Bulldog Q
Whew, that was a lot to type. I’m not sure if I got all of the details, but you should get the overall gist of the workout. It was fairly elaborate, but I think we pulled it off.
Moleskin:
It’s been a good run, and we’ve made some memories. Sometimes the great workouts we’ve had come to mind, but mostly the more “memorable” ones do. Given my penchant for mockery, this list seems (in)appropriate:
Top Eleven Worst Kevlar Workouts of All Time (because Ten wasn’t enough)
Honorable Mentions:
Radar Hairburners with 50 of your closest friends, Hoff allegedly taking deuce while Qing a workout (possibly an urban legend), BD and Header preKB listening to Barry White, BD soccer workout, Strikeout ending at 6:05 with nothing in the tank,
Anyway, this one today almost ended up with a high spot on the list as I got a small case of the Horseheads during the 3rd round of tireburners and had to sit out a spell until my triple vision turned back into double vision. Good thing I had that pack of freeze dried Trump steak jerky in the truck to revive with. I think that I missed a calling as an official Garbage Pail Kid.
Thanks to Bulldog for his tireless administration of the site, spending countless hours setting up the schedule and all of the other behind the scenes things to keep this machine running. He’s a prepared little monkey, you know. I think he wears a Leatherman to church.
As for myself, I’ll be taking some time off to do some soul searching. I’m considering a stint at Gong Farming and collecting Burnt Sienna Crayons.
I’m sure that the new guys, Orange Whip and Fault Line, will do what they can to improve conditions. In return, be sure to love them and pet them and call them George.
– Horsehead
Friday 1/20/17 marks a great milestone in American (and British) history as the Kevlar helm is taken by two new co-captains, ready to continue the magical journey that we embark on each Friday morning. We hope that many of you will choose to attend this grand event, especially the long-timers who have helped to make this site what it is by standing around and not doing any of the exercises by giving it your all, rain or shine, each and every workout. For those in protest #notmysiteQ, we hope you will reconsider and give these new guys a chance. After all, it was but a short time ago when I took over the reigns from the apt and able Sussudio, who’s legendary backblasts and attention to detail captured the heart and spirit of this very thing we call Area51.
You may ask, who is leading this thing tomorrow? Will the new mystery Site leaders be given the Q? Surely they are fit and ready for the challenge! The pax has graciously reminded me that the last Bulldog Q lasted about 3 mins before he threw his back out doing side straddle hops (technically, he has led since then, but let’s not confuse this story with facts). Adding to this, the last Horsehead Q was possibly the greatest disaster in all of F3 Q history as he tripped and broke his arm before the workout technically even started. Surely those two idiots aren’t planning to soil this grand event by attempting to lead the workout instead of gracefully giving it to the new guys? Really?
Hmmm . . .
Nah – I think Dawg and I will take it. Pull up a chair boys, it’s gonna be good time. Spackler is bringing a cooler full of #DEALWITHIT to hand out after the workout.
What about Joust, you say? I usually post over there. Freedom is holding a free Gaithers concert and Header’s beard is almost ready. Also, I hear that Bush is leading a 10000000 merkin workout designed to dislocate your shoulders and your spirit. All I can ask you to do is search within the deep recesses of your soul and make the right decision for you and your family. Or, you can go to Joust and get covered in fertlilizer pellets.
Bulldog, I’m not sure if you are able to read these on your AOL web browser, but you better be there too. Bring the George Foreman grill and we’ll fire up some Spotted D afterwards.
your pals,
Horsehead and Bulldog
A bakers dozen of Quick Trip doughnuts posted at the top workout in A51 this Friday morn. The following synopsis is based on events that actually occurred, however some names and other details may be changed for the sake of national security (and ratings, you know).
What We Did:
After a heartfelt disclaimer that nobody listened to, the pax were led for a leisurely-paced warmup run around the campus, finally gathering in front of the main entrance to the sanctuary for COP.
Partner up – pick someone with the same shoe size.
Multifarious Group Fluttering
7s on the hill – burpees and LBCs
Mary led by Orange Whip and TR, who smoked the 7s (TR actually did the burpees)
Unpleasant reverse Bear Crawl and Crabwalk hill climbing work led by Donkey Kong, not 100% participation
Head to the practice field for some sprints
Run to the big rock in front of the HS and back
Planks
Run to the big rock again (was it obvious that this was a time killer?)
Planks
Circle up for some Heels to Heaven and Russian Twists with suspect form
6:14 Eternal Flame attempt
6:15 mutiny, rebellion, and outright refusal
Musings:
Arrived at 5:15 to scope out the site a bit. Bulldog pulls up at 5:20, rolls out a pink yoga mat in the parking lot beside me and just starts looking at me. I’m reaching out to Frasier and Mermaid for some assistance here, because I’m feeling confused and frustrated and I’m not sure what to do about it.
Speaking of Bulldog, last week he showed up with this giant bizarre speaker that he got at Bed Bath and Beyond with one of those 20% off coupons. Well, I think he traded a homeless guy one of the coupons and a bottle of Night Train for the speaker, but anyways – he has this giant speaker thing now. I thought that he was going to always have it, so I wouldn’t have to, but apparently there is some sort of reservation system in place that I did not follow procedurally. Since he’s the last person in North America to still use an America Online email account (which is especially funny, because he ain’t from around here), I think we just got tripped up on some technological hurdles. The end result was no speaker and the final crushing blow to any expectations that he would contribute to being a co site Q whatsoever.
So we’re standing there awkwardly looking at the Yoga mat with no giant speaker to break the ice, and TR rolls up in the Great Pumpkin blasting the Best of Taylor Hicks Soul Patrol at top volume. I wanted to crawl in a hole, but #leadership and all so I stuck around. He started trimming his beard with a cigarette lighter powered Flobee and calling himself Admiral Snackbar (from the straight to YouTube version of the Star Wars Hanukkah Special). We just slowly walked away. I think he’s still there. His jeep was full of “King Trump” signs that he was planting up and down Highway 51, so I really have no idea what’s going on with the former Nantan these days.
Turkey Leg rolls up next. Apparently he was out running with with the weirdos on Mt. HorseyMcFishClock on Monday and ran into Chester, who ironically was just trying to get his attention all summer so he could get a 2nd opinion on a “Chester Drawers” that he got a bum evaluation of on the Antiques Freakshow. We used Bulldogs AOL webbrowser to search Craigslist for “Chester Drawers” and it is a real thing, but mostly in Gastonia and Monroe. Finding one off of Sardis road is a rare bird. I think the man has a point. No wonder he doesn’t wear pants!
Now Turkey leg is all animated about this, and TR’s music is getting louder. As a distraction, some of the guys started doing the Elaine Seinfield dance in the parking lot #sweetfancyMoses. I tried it a little, but injured myself again. It really is a full body dry heave set to music, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. I will stick to my hands-in-pockets shuffle, thank you very much.
I think some strange things happened at the workout too. I do remember giving up the Q at one point to Donkey Kong just to see what would happen. He did not disappoint, immediately calling some weird thing that only like 3 guys did. I was not one of them. Good times.
Also, somebody wrote their name in farts on the pavement during the 7s. That was borderline inappropriate.
Poor time management towards the end, turning on the Eternal Flame at 6:14 led to a violent mutiny at 6:15. Maybe we need a couple of flame-free weeks to make it fun again. Suggestion box is always open.
Thanks for keeping it weird.
HH
Neapolitan ice cream is highly under rated. Instead of a single flavor, you get to enjoy three delicious types of ice cream that can be mixed in many different ways. It is also sold in large buckets. Half the fun is how you decide to serve it.
Sorry, needed to get that out.
Anyway, there were 10 at the workout this morning. EE, Kiefer, myself, and Boondock posted for some preliminary running of various distances. It was delightful – probably should have gone home after that.
Thang:
EE led the first half of the workout.
Group mosey to the practice field – approx 150yds long
Horsehead Q 2nd half:
Some flutters to wait on the six
Line up for 150yd gassers.
Three or four of these, I think I blacked out at some point. Last sprint directed towards the soccer goal. Tulip won. He is 29.
Belly start, AYG up the hill. Tulip won. He is 29.
Mary to close out – let Kiefer and Tulip lead some flutters and LBCs since they have not Qd boot camp workouts yet. Goal is to get some new men leading workouts soon. If you can do it, you can Q it.
Moleskin:
Keep Outland Weird
Horsehead