Once upon a time, there was this very smart Greek fella that said that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Well, I can tell ya right now that that fella had never been to Hazzard County.
– Waylon Jennings – Dukes Of Hazzard, 10 Million Dollar Sheriff
A half-dozen showed up this morning to celebrate the 5 year mark of Outland, the OG Union County workout. We told tales of yore and re-enacted some famous scenes from battles past. Some of us even exercised a little.
Warmup at the original shovel flag hill, which despite several attempts was unable to be obtained. We made do.
Mosey to the High School track to discover a new mini-sized fence has been installed on top of the mini-sized wall, blocking entrance in the traditional fashion. We’ll take the long way, a theme which persevered throughout the morn.
Traveling circus around the High School with some oak tree merkins and other assorted things as we made our way to the track for several circuits of 4Cornerz. Nice railslide option along the way. Pax had the option to choose burpees or something easier for the last set, and made the hard call.
Move to the field house for some air presses and BTW. Headrush. Option for bathtub exercises using the mysterious tub was not taken.
Ark Loader on the practice field – bears, crabs, wheelbarrows, and some lounging. Punch the new tackling dummy on the sled in the face and run back. Disturbingly therapeutic.
Meander over to Middle School for circuit of railslide, derkins, step ups, and LBCs while we ran a stair loop. Run this until 7:57 or so.
Option for a short run or long run back to the cars – both AYG. All pax took the long route.
Mary finisher at the cars. 3.something miles and a smoked out Q.
Outland was my first F3 workout. I started just after the site had opened up, which was right at 5 years ago. After this amount of elite training, you too can look and perform like me. I recommend tempering the training with repeated injury and the diet of a 12 year old middle schooler to avoid public shock and awe.
We tried to relive some of the glory days, including the railslides and BTW sequence. The old rails have been fenced off; namely the one that was just too wide for Hairband to stretch across, not too wide for him to try, and perfectly wide enough for us to hang out and mock. Since we’re talking about Hairband, he had another appointment and was not present. Perhaps he was riding around on Madison’s bike carrier, who elected to go and hold up Charlotte traffic this morning instead of rolling the dice on this workout.
We tried to keep things moving this morning, and covered quite a bit of ground. TClaps to everyone for hanging on. Double TClaps for choosing the hard options when presented.
Some of the other fond (and not-so fond) Outland memories that come to mind include:
It’s time to consider the next wave of men who will run this site and continue the legacy. Bo and Luke must decrease while Vance and Coy must increase. Just don’t let Daisy leave Enos at the altar like she did in the 1997 reunion.
Until next time,
7 came out to relive their glory daze with a little old-school Kevlar action.
Does anyone read this anymore? We ran around and did some F3 stuff. Gummy complained, Orange Whip held back, and Night Court jumped over a fence. We busted out the filthy tires filled with 8 month old slime at the end, which nearly got me a standing ovation. I dumped the disgusting contents of one tire directly into my shoe. Old School Kevlar is back. Somehow, this is a good thing.
The action started around 5:25 when Whip rolled up in his Lamont Sanford truck and jumped out wearing shorts and body paint looking like something from Cirque Du Soleil, Mt. Holly edition. He claimed that it was some sort of large sized shirt, but caught so much hell about it that he actually changed before we started. Way to stick with your guns. I thought he looked pretty good and tried to claim his as partner before we started, but he just ran off.
The Gummy rolled in next, with his usual encouragement, and shared some predictions on which pax are due for injury. I’m not gonna jinx anyone with some cute sentence that rhymes with their name, but The Gummy basically has a voodoo doll in his car with rotator cuffs, knees, and other old man injuries that he tweaks on while he is driving around. It’s a little unsettling, but I guess it’s better than texting and driving. By the way, I’m going to try out this The Gummy thing for a bit but I’m not sure if it will stick. Anyway, my take on this is what we call the F3 Fitness Sawtooth. After an initial step change, a man gains fitness in a somewhat linear fashion until injury, during which he experiences another step change downward. After this, the typical F3 cycle of fitness looks like a sawtooth function. Generally, we are about one bear crawl away from the dropoff at any time.
Some initial witty banter about the lack of witty banter, which came full circle. F3 is better with a lot of chatter, pure and simple. Working out in that Diogenes Club of a gym you just joined is no good, and discourages fellowship. Pretty soon you’ll be back at home eating cheeto dust from your navel with a homeade Princess Leia doll chained to your leg. You need the 2nd F to keep you going, or at least I do. From Mycroft Holmes himself:
There are many men in London, you know, who, some from shyness, some from misanthropy, have no wish for the company of their fellows. Yet they are not averse to comfortable chairs and the latest periodicals. It is for the convenience of these that the Diogenes Club was started, and it now contains the most unsociable and unclubbable men in town. No member is permitted to take the least notice of any other one. Save in the Stranger’s Room, no talking is, under any circumstances, allowed, and three offences, if brought to the notice of the committee, render the talker liable to expulsion. My brother was one of the founders, and I have myself found it a very soothing atmosphere.
Night Court displayed both his old age and football prowess in a 5 min window by tripping in one of tires (hope your ankle is ok) and then throwing some SuperCam bullets with a stray pigskin on the field. His even superior Perry Mason skilz allowed him to turn away from the Football path though, and he is living his best Concussion-free life now. I’m not sure about the van, the video cameras, and that thing about throwing the ball over a mountain, but who am I to judge.
Missing Cottontail, as they celebrate Baby 13, or conceive Baby 14. I’m not sure exactly what goes on in that house during the early hours, but we hope to have him back soon.
Thanks for coming out. Yes, you should probably get a shot or something from those tires. Ask your doctor if that’s right for you.
P.S. – There is a new Beef Jerky outlet at the Arbo. Somehow, this should get connected with Ghost Runner.
Cliffs Notes Version:
Lebben posted. No kids. Whip told an awkward story. Q self-smoked.
Full Blast for those so inclined:
Eleven at Kevlar this morning. No high-schoolers this week, a departure from recent trends. It was a good thing too, as Orange Whip started us out of the gate with a PG-13 story about his Uber Ride back from Raleigh with Roxxxanne that lasted way too long. The Q itself was more of a R-Rated endeavor, mostly for the excessive gore and violence in watching me self-smoke about 30 mins into the workout.
Here’s what I can remember:
Coat of Human Skin:
Who is the rotten scoundrel that invented the green peppermint? Someone should pay for this crime. Ranks right up there with fire ants, bow ties, and road cyclists in my book. While I’m at it, the new MacGyver guy doesn’t have a mullet. He is basically a walking green peppermint.
Anyway . . . it’s been a while since I have regularly attended any sort of workout. I spent most of April sick or lame in one way or another and I’m not the fitness machine that I once was. I think there is a Toby Keith song chorus somewhere here. The workout today for more of a “see how long you can hang on to this chain” event for me. Unfortunately the chain was attached to a dog collar and I ended up sharing the same fate as Dinky courtesy of the Family Truckster in National Lampoons.
Bulldog, Orange Whip, and Rhapsody talked incessantly during the entire workout. This is generally a sign of great fatigue and physical stress. It’s a good thing the talking Busch was on Q at Joust, or we would have definitely needed plugs. I’d like to see how a trip to the dentist goes for those guys. You know, when the dental hygienist wants to have a lovely conversation with you while you have a mouth full of mirror sticks, pointy things, and bloody foam. I bet she comes out looking like a zombie.
Had some stomach issues running up into the workout. I should have probably stopped eating two of those Bojanglers per day after Lent, but habits die hard. Good thing I had on my shartwool base layer.
The workout itself was pretty hard, at least for me. I think a few guys even sweated . I know that Orange Whip and Rhapsody run around like Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson, but the rest of us have to work at these things.
I’m glad for the turnout. Given my recent absence, I expect that many have forgotten my name. I was expecting something like the Super Bowl Sunday evening worship service, but was pleasantly surprised to see some familiar faces. Given that watching me Q this thing was somewhat like YouTubing neti pot videos, I hope that they come back.
Out in the country
Past the city limits sign
Well there’s a honky tonk
Near the county line
The joint starts jumpin’ every night
When the sun goes down
They got whiskey women music and smoke
It’s where all the cowboy folk
Go to boot scootin’ boogie
8 (I think) men braved the artic breeze and rolled out to the country for a little boot scootin.
This little squirrel was made up on the fly, and I have already forgotten much of it, so this is more of a general overview. The entire workout was a large rolling COP to keep pax together.
Mosey to Shiloh Elementary on other side of the world – took some COP stops
6 exercises at each light, loop around the lot. Repeat 6 times. Squats, Plank Jacks, Bomb Jacks, Merkins, LBCs, Burpees. Blue Pill = 6 burpees at each stop. Red Pill = ascending burpees. Flintstone chewable = just run around and fake it.
Wall work – squats and merkin face smasher things
Mosey back to Middle School buses – some more COP stops.
P1 runs loop around buses. P2 does 10 merkins, 10 lbcs, 10 squats, over and over until P1 returns. Flapjack X2. Q Tip: This works out better than assigning guys to do merkins for the whole time because people just end up laying there after they max out.
Pinball run back to covered tables in front.
Supine pullup blaster – 10, 9, 8, . . . .you get the drift
Will keep this one short – Saturday is for the family, you know.
Good to Q again at the Outland. It’s a huge site with a million options. There are 4 schools on the property, with 2 elementary schools back to back on the same spot. The only thing more poorly planned than this workout is the Indian Trail housing infrastructure.
The Late Show is my boy. He gets my jokes and I like his beard. He eats nasty snacks though.
Madison is training for a 1/2 Ironman in June. Putting in some serious work. I just bought the watch.
EE had on the grandma windsuit again, which I think he changed into after a pre-run, and then changed into jeans and normal clothes immediately after the workout. He must do his own laundry.
I think Bullwinkle enjoyed all of the running between stops. He kept telling me how much he loved it in his special way.
Lots of ammo for the FNG naming. Nick gave some options for TV shows, Nickelodeon, etc . . . Caballero had some skater references that I don’t think were fully flushed out. Then his vocation as a soda machine vendor came out and the pax went with Dr. Thunder. This won out over Dr. Perky, Mr. Pibb, Shasta, Surge, and all of the other gross generic sodas people could come up with. I love how we immediately gravitate towards the nastiest and most embarrassing version of whatever someone is remotely linked to during the naming sessions.
Announcements: See SlackTwitter
Until we meet again,
Teen Wolf (1985 movie, not the millennial trash tv show) – Coach Finstock: There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.
Well, I certainly broke the first rule, as I was awakened at 0430 by the blinding light of the Full Blue Blood Supermoon beaming through my window. I thought that an enthusiastic Gypsy (pax, but a real gypsy would be a better story) had set off my motion lights out back, anxious to get an early start on the workout. Apparently he likes to start his twitter wrestler feed on Saturday night for this Wednesday workout, which is when he began soliciting me for information. Well, he wasn’t there. Good thing, because I would have totally tased him with the taser that my sister-in-law gave my wife for Christmas two year ago. True story. Let’s just say that I sleep with one eye open and my massive eyebrow slightly raised.
4 corners to this property, established during the warmup with a traveling COP, to which we assigned 4 exercises. Added in a #candyland shortcut for those so inclined to modify the running distance because #moderate.
Run the 1/2 mile loop AMRAP and drop an exercise of your choosing with each subsequent trip. Nice try Shake and Bake, but you cannot drop the running. By the way, TClaps for posting solo on the prerun in the 20deg weather. I was (not even) there in spirit.
We ran this jewel until 6AM and then moved on to the next thing.
Modified Beast – using the big arrows in the parking lot. After some discussion and significant distrust at my perfectly engineered plan to do exercises at the 6 sets of arrows we eventually got it done. Guys argued that there were only 5 sets instead of 6, which in actually there were 7 #bonus. The last set was extra-credit and skipped by most.
Cut that short for Mary, which was unremarkable except for the Q’s interesting version of Crunchy Frog at the end with uncontrollable accompanying sound effects.
That SuperMoon was bright. It was a little eerie out there in the countryside. I came out for a pre-scout to see if the big field was in play, but it was booby trapped with ice puddles. I think I found the Shrieking Shack in the woods, but I got back in my truck before Professor Lupin found me.
Apparently, we had some sort of Family Dollar / Dollar Tree convention going on with folks traveling in from Georgia to post. I think this involved Drumstick, Scratch and Sniff, and Homeboy somehow, but I missed the connection. Keep selling that Chinese product boys, it’s what makes the world go round. If I can’t buy it for a buck and throw it away that same night, I probably don’t need it.
Bullwinkle took off like a Quick Trip sushi shart during the 1st round of the beast. Shenanigans indeed.
I never know if things are moderate enough or not. I figure that if I can reasonably keep the group together than it’s a success. I know one thing, I hate standing around in the cold – hence the continuous running today. Hopefully it was in tune with the spirit of the site. If not, I may be in trouble. Not as bad as as the kind of trouble you get in from picking out someones wedgie in church unsolicited, but some sort.
Posting here reminds me of when Area51 used to be more into the whole F3 thing. Back in the day, guys used to actually count during COP and wanted to do things like run around with shovel flags and crawl through the mud. The edge has rounded a bit, but the workouts and fellowship are still good. I think it’s just a natural progression of how people progress through this experience. Still, it’s refreshing to go back in time a little every once in a while.
Probably some announcements somewhere . . . Check the shack.
From now on, the only woman I’m pimpin’ is sweet lady propane. And I’m trickin’ her out all over this town.
A dozen posted in questionable weather for a little King of the Hill. The count would have been one less, had I not signed up on the Skunkworkgenius, but leadership and all . . .
It’s always fun to draw the rain Q card. It seems the longer I do this F3 thing, the less inclined I am to want to go and crawl around in the mud and crud. Let’s say that I have developed a more refined palette. Well preference be hanged, it was pouring rain when I flopped out of the sack this morning but the little guy on my shoulder thumped me in the ear and sped me on my way.
I had some other things planned that involved grass and a field and probably a good bit of mud, but that seemed about as dicey as a Craig’s List babysitter so we extended the thrills on the hills.
Blazing saddles was wearing a mysterious vest. I can’t remember if he had on short sleeves under it or not. I don’t trust a man who wears a vest with short sleeves. That’s like a belt and suspenders, but without the fashion benefits. Funny thing, Lex came up to me asking if I had seen a missing vest before the workout. Then Blaze is running around with this mysterious vest on, and Lex just ignores it. It was definitely an elephant in the room.
Harley was begging to go stand under the tennis court pavilion the whole time. I wasn’t sure if he wanted the whole group to go, or just us two, and it got a little weird for a few mins there. I changed the subject pretty quickly but I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings.
Tweetsie and Lois are inseparable. I heard that once Lois convinced Tweetsie to bust into the bottom layer of the M’s Whitman’s sampler before the top layer had been completely polished off. I think that was a pretty awkward Valentine’s day for everyone involved.
It’s good to have Country Livin back with us. He vanished for a couple of years. Word on the street was that he was banned from the local Lowes for using the display toilet and things escalated from there. Anyway, he looks slim and trim and it’s good to see him again.
Haven’t had that much fun at church since I got kicked out of the sanctuary for teaching the kids about Jeremiah the Bullfrog during the Christmas cantata. I’m sure there was a lot more going on that I missed. I was in the zone dawg. Gonna feel that one soon.
8 at the Outland today, enjoying the 3rd headfake of some cool fall weather.
What doeth a man when he stayeth up late and crawleth to his Saturday morning Q? He taketh his Thursday Peak51 Q, which was highly rated on Yelp, and bringeth it once again. You’re welcome to Lumberjack, Bullwinkle, Woody, and Bonhoeffer who got to enjoy this twice this week. We switched it up just enough to stretch the hour.
Warmup COP near the Middle School buses. Run to a random bus after each exercise. Random.
Elementary School bus lot. Run around a bit (with gusto). Starfish with 5 burpee center. Merkins, Squats, SMC, LBC. Repeat until I got tired of it.
Middle School Hill – 7s with burpees/situps
Back to Middle School bus lot for some suicides. Two sets, using the parking spot numbers.
Partner work – P1 wall squats, P2 Supine pull-ups on the rails. Work down from 12 pull-ups and alternate.
BTW / Donkey Kick / Headrush combo
Saturday workouts are long, but the backblasts are short. Gotta seize the day, you know.
Lots of repeat clients from Peak51. Hope you enjoyed it as much as you did Thursday.
Guys enjoyed the magical suicides that somehow got longer on both ends. Anytime there is a bus lot with an invisible bus, stuff like that is bound to happen. #Hogwarts
Woody is having a fundraiser Ba Ba Q, which somehow does not involve the letter R. I’m sure it will be delicious. Great guy, but he would make the worlds worst pirate. Aaaaaaaaaa.
Missing Glass Joe these days. I’m sure he’s off doing something amazing, like turning water into Welches Grape Juice.
Choosing the one spot in the parking rock with the tiny little rocks as the LBC station was my gift to you.
I will leave you all with this.
Get R Done
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be an evil villain with minions, or perhaps just a few go-to henchmen. Big ugly ones like Beastman and Trap Jaw who follow your every whim without (too much) questioning. Let’s find out.
21 at the Peak, if you count the two #walkerstalkers dressed in black – Geraldo and Dora. We’ll take the numbers. They looked evil enough.
Follow me, minions . . .
Snake Mountain mosey weaving around the parking lot. I just kept turning to see if the big train would keep following. Evil henchman conga line – perfect.
Now we circle up for some cruel exercises. Gather round my evil underlings.
SSH X 20
Squat X 20
Mountain Climber X 20
Fire Ants X 100 (minions followed until they figured out it was not an exercise)
Crawl around X 50
Peter Parker X 20
Leave the scene of the crime
Death Star-fish in the parking lot – burpee center with merkins, lbcs, mary catherine, & jump squats in the corners. Repeat until I release my command. That’s right, my evil powers cross the bounds of Filmation and LucasFilms.
Some jibber jabber from Slim Fast about the Mary Catherine technique. He had already tied one hostage to himself with a towel, so I backed away. Can’t risk a mutiny.
7s on the hill – situps and burpees. More talk of mutiny, but I held it together by threat of force lightening.
Partner up for (evil) Alabama Slamma – decending merkins. Slim again with the lip, but we threw him in the snake pit. Rumor is that he has already recruited a BRR team from within the other captives.
What’s left? Time to show your loyalty to the evil master. Suicides. One set until folks started to stagger, then a 2nd set to seal the deal. Flying monkey march (got that one too) back to the getaway vehicles. Somebody led some mary while I circled back to taunt the stragglers from my evil and strangely self-propelled flying chariot.
Other notes from Snake Mountain:
Two of my scariest and most evil henchman have taken it upon themselves to become less-scary skinny versions of themselves. Bullwinkle and Shake & Bake have lost nearly 100 lbs between the two of them. This is unacceptable – we need you back as fat evil villains. Don’t let it happen again.
Benny was named after a group of New Jersey people who are somehow more offensive than the rest of the New Jersey people. I like it, in an evil way.
Lumberjack kilt him a bar when he was only three.
Lois reminds me of the kid who had 100,000 baseball cards. We broke into his car and replaced them with Garbage Pail kids. Much more evil. Used some of them as stickers too.
We need to name somebody Ram Man. He was the best He Man character. Would have been even better if he were evil.
If you watch one terrible sci-fi movie on Netflix, you pay for life. All of the “suggestions” keep coming in with more terrible choices, serving as a constant reminder of the transgression. It never stops. Just think about that before you click on anything with Sharks, Monsters, or Ian Ziering in it.
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
15 plunged into the depths of the sea of knowledge, and emerged with pearls of wisdom (and possibly some fresh calluses)
20 Swings + 10 Merkins, repeat X 5
Swing / Clean / Hi Pull / Snatch combo – continuous movement
Repeat x3, x6, x9, but not x12
RDL / Goblet Squat / F Lunge / B Lunge – continuous movement
Repeat x3, x5, x9 (sketchy), and most definitely not x12
Teabag x 10, Overhead Press x 10, Teabag to Overhead press combo x 10
Clean x 10, Press X 10, Clean and Press combo X 10
Swing x 10, Goblet Squat x 10, Swing to Goblet Squat combo X 10
Snatch x 10, Reverse Lunge X 10, Viking Salute x 10 (click link for video)
20 Swings + 10 Merkins, repeat until 6:15
Here’s a tip – don’t bet on billiards with anyone named after a state (Minnesota Jack, Arkansas Slim, the list goes on) or look for life-changing exercise instruction from someone who ate a pack of Nabs he found in his vehicle on the way to the workout. That said, I noticed some guys really taking my swing instruction to heart this morning and I got a little teary eyed. It could have just been catching a whiff of High Tides tank top (seriously, try some Tide), but I think it was a little bit more. Header had out his preacher notebook and Bulldog was trying to figure out his Evernote password but couldn’t get Siri to understand the letter “R”.
Missing Turkey Leg this morning. Probably posting Strava runs from the Shire again. We await his return. He still working on a
autobiography novel about the incontinent jogger, “The Man with One Brown Sock”. A screenplay starting Tom Hanks and Dabney Coleman is also in the works.
Voodoo was off searching for his true calling in life. He was devastated last week upon learning that Elon Musk was not gas station cologne. All of those quarters gone to waste. He’s also trying to find out why his electric car only has a range of 3 miles. Try the 600lbs of kettlebells in the passenger seat pal.
The general workout went a little like a Pandora station. Keep skipping exercises until you have to listen to a commercial. Hope you guys got your moneys worth. It’s all optional, I suppose, but you’re not gonna look like this if you keep doing that. #flex
Welcome Gaylord. The Sorting Hat really flipped you a stinker with that name #notslytherin. Glad you are still coming out.
Rumors of a Brown sighting. Nowhere near a workout, mind you, but the man has been spotted. Keep hope alive.
Ended the workout with a jewel from one of TRs series of “clean but weird” videos – the Viking Salute. I received, in return, some various other salutes from the pax. Smokey took a knee in protest and left his kneecap in the parking lot.
Finally, this morning marked the debut of my genius invention, the “Lockscreen Weinke“. Save the weinke as a photo to the iPhone lockscreen and BAM – instant access during the workout. Problem is, when you are playing the Alan Jackson Pandora Station, the controls cover up the text and it is rendered useless. Oh well, back to the drawer. It did serve to remind me though, that you need to be prepared for when life throws you a curveball. Train to handle the unexpected. Don’t get shaken up when something goes awry – it will happen.
All I can remember from this AM . . .
Probably some announcements too. Contact Bulldog via his America Online email address for these.
10 at Kevlar for a Total Body Workout. We kept it simple.
Run to tennis court parking – warmup COP. It was dark.
Run to tennis pavilion. Perform the following, then run to the end of cemetery lane
Run to hill. Perform the following, then run up the hill and back.
Run to back parking lot. Teams of 3. Hairburner grinders across the lot while doing the following:
Work until 6:15, then run back. Whoops.
Simple but highly effective. We kept it to 4 total exercises, advertised as the Total Body Workout. Throw in some 600m runs, hill repeats, and those horrible plates and everyone got a good little sweat going. Sorry about the time – I was seeing multiple watches during the hairburners and thought it was 6:05 when everyone started getting a little rowdy.
Just a few observations:
Where, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone.