Last minute shopping

Last minute shopping

We’ve all been there before. Men, we’re just not good at managing time outside of the essential four walls of our family structure. That’s typically why we get married. To share the work and maybe few other reasons. So what do we do… we never learn and here we are again, one week and a half from the nation’s, nay the world’s most overdone holiday and… we have still not shopped for a single person.

Lucky for us there are wonderful tributes to the capitalist gods like Blakeney Shopping Center, where literally there is a Target one mile from another. Now that’s progress on a Starbucks level. But I digress. This is not a tale of anger and discouragement about our current state of affairs but merely a metaphor for the work we set out to tackle in this week’s edition of FIRESTARTER. AKA the rising phoenix of Genesis. So with no FNGs and a moderate disclaimer stated we set out for a shopping trip like no other.

Lil mosey out to Rea and down AK to circle up in the sun god of money storage’s parking lot to make a withdrawal/overdraft for our whirlwind tour. All the usual were performed. Silly saddle looking hops (that no one likes), star wars themed knee raises, merkins (velvet or not, you choose), super slow squats for the ladies and awkward looking horizontal climbing moves. Feeling fully warm, confident and our pockets flush with cashishe we headed over to take care of the “youngins” first.

Amazingly, there is a toy store, Justice (or like I like to pronounce it “Just Us”) and Old Navy all within 100 yards. Coincidence? I think not. Focusing on the upper body so we can get that picture perfect “kid toss in the air” photo on xmas morning while all wearing our matching pjs was on the list. With 5 rows of parking spaces (get used to this format) we allowed for 10 Carolina Dry Docks on each end. 100 of those smokers later and we were ready to impress the M and her friends with bulging traps, delts and necks. Plankity plank plank to wait on the six, cause bros stick together. Kids – CHECK

Next up – parents. Home Goods it is, although I heard an audible for the ABC store. Agreed! But here we are and Mom’s been talking something special up for the dining room and we might as well get Dad some weird holiday beer/glass gift box while we’re here. And since our parents are you know, old, we took care to remember our core while doing WW2 situps. John Wayne was smiling down on us as each row we sat down and laid in the cold wet puddles to the sound of wet backs slurping up and down on the ground. Taco seemed to feel right at home for more reasons than one. V up while we wait. 100 soggy bottom situps later we had taken care of the Rents.

Now we all have that debate in our families, if you have siblings. Will we buy for each other this year? What about all the nieces and nephews? My god why did Jimmy and Sara have 12 kids? Should we draw names? Secret Santa? Dirty Santa… ohhhhhhhh naughty. Well, what ever you do there’s a place that can satisfy all your needs for what ever situation you end up in. And that place’s name is TARGET, or Tar-Jay as the french say it. More squats were done than was needed for training to walk up and down or back and forth from floor to floor or outdoors to inside at your sister’s  McMansion or your in-law’s hobby farm on xmas day. Al Gore snuck in too. Sibs – Done and DONE!

We took a quick break to grab a slice of pizza hut and a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino to help keep the energy up and the eyes on the prize, cause guess what? That special person, the LOML is last on the list. And even though she says, “I have everything I need and just want the whole family to be together for Christmas.”, you know that’s a trap like Admiral Akbar in Return of the Jedi. Well, maybe not a trap, but a beautiful part of her “mystery”. So what do we do? We get some Jeggings/yoga pants/pj bottoms (death wish), the newest Buffalo Plaid oversized shirt/vest/scarf thing (doing better), a giftcard (safe but insensitive) and a new frying pan (you wanna die for real) to replace that old worn out one with that teflon scrapping off. (Darn kids using the metal spatula) Oh yeah, I almost forgot, she said something about pampered chef things too. Where the devil is that isle? Jokes on you brother. Grinding out some J-Los to get that “my body’s to bootylicious” form, incidentally One Star is wheelhouse at this maneuver, helped us to identify with the “struggle” of doing ridiculous looking ab work. Some LBCs added to the early finishers fun.

With one final lot on the schedule I knew what needed to be done. A wink, a nod and 100 Monkey Humper salute (#crowdpleaser) to this fine establishment and all its wonderful offerings. Until we meet again next year. Wall sit and Arm Raises to finish it off. It was at this time Midriff almost lost a shoe to a triceratops sized pile of poo which we couldn’t decide on a species for. #everybodypoops

Mosey on back home but wait, the day is not over. A last minute request for those Pilsbury crescent rolls or some other equally important dinner item is needed and you alone are the only person within 500 miles who can save the day. With our F3 logos bering proudly from our manly and chiseled chests we stopped off at the HARRIS TEETER (insert echo) to save Christmas!! Only it turned into a race of catch me if you can ’cause they are all out of rolls and we’re looking for any Hail Mary to get the win. Burpee and go catch that King’s Hawaiian roll before it’s gone baby. (It’s in the bakery section, or on an endcap, because they know. And don’t stop to look at the overpriced craft beer!)

Mission accomplished! We saved our A$$, maxed out the Mastercard and did it again. We did all the shopping in one day. And I can’t wait to do it all over again next year. Cause you know we will. It’s like a drug.

PS: Tks to the mustang for coming in hot and nearly plowing us while in our vulnerable positions. Reminder: the money machine starts before 6am. Beware.

NMM: While this is a fun and satirical post, some may feel it hits close to home. It certainly does for me. But it serves as a reminder that we are here to do more than satisfy simple physical needs and check boxes everyday.

We’re here to serve.

As men of leadership and faith it is essential that we serve. It helps us maintain momentum and focus on what is most important. Find your opportunity. Think about it. Pray about it. Then be led to it. We are Freed to Lead, if we embrace it. This is the purpose of F3.

Tks to MK and Teddy for allowing me to demonstrate bad habits and lead you into questionable situations. Always a pleasure.

God Bless men, and have a safe and happy holiday.