10 PAX gathered in the moderate, overcast gloom at a large pink church located in South Charlotte for a Final 4 beatdown of biblical proportions. We welcomed Fido to our merry band of punks, who was visiting from Down East, which means he is from the eastern half of NC to all of you non-North Carolinians. Edenton, if memory serves. Fido is a NCSU grad who is a practicing veterinarian (try spelling this word), in town for the holidays visiting his sister who lives off Carmel Road (not Car-Mel, as he incorrectly pronounced; that is a town in Cali once mayored by Dirty Harry himself – “You got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?”). An insufficient disclaimer was issued, YHC promised musical surprises in celebration of college football’s Final 4 notwithstanding Bama’s absence, and we moseyed into the vast asphalt jungle aka Calvary parking lot(s).
COP consisted of IW, Shoulder Tap Merkins, LSS, Staggered Arm Merkins, LS Jump Squat, and Runner’s Lunge stretch (bro-ga). Good participation, strong cadence, solid start.
Moseyed on the Perimeter Rd stopping at each of the 4 speed humps for HR Merkins and Sumo Squats. After Hump 4 (snicker), congregate at the bottom of the soccer field’s baby hill for Mary.
At this point, YHC pulled out the trusty iPhone and dialed up….a YouTube ad for Stitch Fix. “Couldn’t sign up for the free trial of You Tube Premium, eh?” – Gummy. Full Disclaimer: YHC is a Stitch Fix customer, dutifully served by his Robo AI Stylist Kristi. She just knows YHC….eerie, actually. Anyhow, after the 5 sec ad, LSU’s fight song emanated from the speaker. Mary until said fight song was over. S-E-C!! Voodoo was not there, so no Cajuns were present to enjoy it.
Triple Nickel – WA Merkins, Tuck Jumps. YHC had no idea “Triple Nickel” was not ubiquitous in F3 Nation, so Hydra Site Q Gummy promptly explained its meaning to Fido. Thank you kindly, sir.
Mosey to Courtyard and grab a spot on the Astro Turf. Derkins, Leg Lifts, and something else.
Mosey to Rock Pile bordering 51. Grab a lifting rock. Let’s rock… Curls, Tris, Presses, Thrusters, Squats.
Fight Song #2: Boomer Sooner. Hold plank on said lifting rock. Since this annoying fight song is thankfully only 44 seconds long, a plank hold was not too painful. Considering what LSU did to the Sooners Saturday afternoon, I would say this F3 musical interlude was the highlight of OU’s day.
Mosey to the parking lot with 8 medians for Median Suicides. Alternate Diamond Merkins and Jump Squats. Increase count by 2 ea. median. 3 burpees at starting point every round. This was brutal, as mumble chatter quickly dissolved into “This is stupid” which is code for “This really hurts.” Heard ya loud and clear, Semi. Strong effort by every PAX on this one. Trifusenik power was greatly reduced as even Semi pushed thru the pain. At some point during this death march, YHC’s prodigious nose sprung a blood leak possibly caused by an overzealous snot rocket. Unfazed, YHC pressed the advance and played thru the pain (actually, it did not hurt at all, but the sight of blood caused much angst amongst the PAX). Rub some dirt on it, or in it. Let’s go…
Fight Song #3: Ohio State. Sadly, Hopper was not in attendance to relish in O-H-I-O. YHC was expecting him to dot the “I” if he would have been there. YHC suspects Hopper and all OSU alums are still licking their wounds from the epic game Saturday night. On the flip side, they could be sending boxes of spoiled cabbage aka Kimchi aka Korean garbage to the SEC official who called the fumble scoop 6 an incomplete pass. Ouch.
Mosey to Hwy 51, take left, mosey to Calvary entrance, take left, congregate at the Hot Box. Dips, Derkins, Step-Ups with and without flair, hot laps around garbage cans.
Mosey to launch point vicinity. Time for the North Face. 2 laps. Honestly, PAX was in survival mode by this point. Hoover explained to YHC that 21 diamond merkins were a tad aggressive at the Median Suicides. Point taken, lesson not learned.
Fight Song #4: Clemson (ugh). Marge and Gummy were ecstatic, elated, enthusiastic. The ying to OSU’s yang, Clemson alums spent Sunday nursing joyous hangovers in celebration of their Final Four victory. What a game. It did this old SEC heart good to see some old school defense being played by both teams. It was a shame that someone had to lose that one.
Announcements: New Year’s Eve Convergence in SOB land. Check Twitter or Slack.
Forgot who took us out, but it was a theologically sound prayer that moved me to tears. Or maybe that was YHC’s natural reaction after hearing the dadgum Tiger Rag again. Are you listening, Coach Saban?
Thanks to Geraldo for handing over the keys.