The 40-Year-Old Virgin

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

A group of 21 very experienced ladykillers took this VQ under their wings this morning to see me finally become a man. I told them I wasn’t a professional, but I went ahead and decided to make them pay.

First stop was a shady dark utility lot for some warmup. SSHs, Imperial Walkers, LSQs, and some windmills limbered up the limbs and we headed to the track for an easy lap including some Karaoke and backpedaling. 

Then, the fun began…


20 Sister Mary Catherines

20 Mountain Climbers

20 Skater Lunges

Take a lap and make it count on the backstretch

Wait for the 6 in an “Al Gore” seated position and like it

(Repeat all of the above 3 times)

Hand the keys to Champagne and mosey to the turf…


4-legged starfish with 5 double-merkin burpees in center field between each leg…

10 Merkins

10 Wide-arm Merkins

10 Diamond Merkins

10 Carolina Drydocks

(Repeat all of the above twice)


Grinders (‘nuf said)

Mosey to the lot for a new world record 200 flutter kicks and cash it in


Susan G Komen Race for the Cure is this weekend. Speed for Need is pushing 8 cancer survivors and looking for volunteers. Contact Tolkein (aka “Token”) to get involved. (Doc McStuffins gave a heartfelt testimony for “Heathers’ Heroes”. You can have a tremendous impact on the life of a survivor by giving them a unique raceday experience)


Apparently, One Eye needs to be renamed One Ear, because he completely failed to hear my instructions on the track and took off like a Sooner in the Oklahoma land rush of 1889.

A big shoutout to Hops and Champagne for challenging me to lead today, as well as Revlon, Mermaid, Alf, Hopper, and many others for coaching me on my VQ prep. It was also great to catch up with Mall Cop today, since he’s the dirty son of a gun who gave me this awful name.. As many of you know, I moved to town 3 months ago without really knowing a soul, so this group has been a true blessing to me, and I am sincerely grateful. As Doc McStuffins would say, “Moochos Grassyos”.

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4 Comments so far

GummyPosted on2:48 pm - Oct 3, 2018

Looks like a strong VQ, Sprockets. I prefer to think of you as Mike Myers’ Sprocket from SNL – Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance! I think the real name inspiration was from biking, but I’m going to stick with my version. See you at Hydra.

HopperPosted on2:52 pm - Oct 3, 2018

Extremely solid Q Sprockets! I dare say you carried yourself like a 5 year veteran more than a VQ subject! Solid disclaimer, you didn’t let the mumble chatter jar you and you delivered some new/infrequently seen exercises like the Al Gore and the windmills. Alf, if you need a Q school instructor, you may have found him! Glad you found us 3 months ago Sprockets! Wouldn’t be the same without you now!

HIPAAPosted on4:18 pm - Oct 3, 2018

Looks like a job well done. Sorry to miss it.

Gummy – I swear I thought I was the only one who made that connection!

HopsPosted on2:33 pm - Oct 4, 2018

That was no VQ. Outstanding Sprockets. Not sure if it was the SMC’s or the Skater Lunges – but I’ve not had lingering pain like that from a downpainment in a long time. Mercy! My a#$ is killing me!
The utility lot for COP was genius – too dark to see you and too loud (caustic, chlorine-infused exhaust from the natatorium) to hear you. and the random count numbers were plucking my heart-strings. Great stuff. Glad you’re part of the pax brother.

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